Life after College

My New Years Resolution(S) ARE:

2012-01-04T10:22:00.000-08:00

Another year has come and gone. On January 1st, 2012, millions of people around the world vow to utilize this 'new beginning' and 'clean slate' to make their lives better and healthier and happier. Come on, who really follows through with New Years Resolutions?

I myself have made a few:

1) Manage my time better - I'm a natural at procrastination and I'm also a natural and being lazy. Sure I've accomplished a lot, but in my "free time," I'm lazy as crap. As soon as I get home after work, I make myself a nice dinner and curl up on the couch for a rousing three hours or so of Netflix. Seriously? I could read a book, do a 20 minute yoga work out, write a letter to a friend or even WRITE FOR FUN! So my goal is to try to use my time wisely and spend less time sleeping in/watching Netflix and more time being productive and healthy. We'll see how long it lasts. Yesterday was technically my first day and I showered, cooked and watched Netflix. Old habits die hard!

2) Become more social - I know, I was the social butterfly in high school/college...but lately I've lazily embraced the joys of hermit-hood. Its great lounging around in sweatpants, cleaning my apartment and yes...watching Netflix instead of going to social gatherings which could a) help me develop a friend circle or even b) help me find a man. In 2011, I decided that many social gatherings were just too much work. I would only go out on the weekends and even that seemed too tiring. So I'm going to work on attending the events I'm invited to.

3) Write more - school will make me write a plenty, but I haven't freely expressed myself lately. I have a novel that barely has a first chapter and a poetry notebook with about 5 pages filled. I'd like to work on both of these things, since writing is the one talent God gave me. It's the laziness...and the Netflix.

4) Travel - This resolution is expensive but there are many cheap ways to get around these days. You can get to DC or New York for as little as $1 per way if you order your tickets fast enough. Plus there are always cheap deals for one or two night stays at fancy hotels in the area. Now, by travel...I don't mean Cancun, Italy, Ireland...etc. I would love to do that but given resolution 5, that's not plausible. I just want to go on mini-vacations once every two months. They can be close or far, doesn't matter. Just have to get out of the city for more than a trip to Virginia and a conference for work.

5) Budget better - In an effort to be healthier, I'm going to try to ween myself off of things like ice coffee from Dunkin Donuts, those delicious and healthy breakfast sandwiches from 7-11, and on the rare occasions I'm up for McDonalds breakfast, those damn sausage burritos. I ate more fast food in the month of December than I did during the entire seasons of Summer, Fall and Winter combined. My bank account is losing weight but I certainly am not. This also goes for Potsticker cravings and random dresses from Ross because I need "a pick me up." Done.

6) Become more spiritual - I'll be honest, I haven't been to Mass since November. I know, shocking for a girl who spent a year living with Catholic Sisters. I got so busy with school and work and life that I neglected to take care of my spiritual life. I pray, occasionally....but that is about it. I'd really like to get my butt back to Mass more regularly and incorporate some devotions in my life too. I think part of the reason I'm typically under-motivated and lazy and off balance is because my spiritual life is like that too.

That is it. Why have one resolution when you can have 6! I'm also planning on creating a new Bucket List for 2012. I'll recycle some of the old tasks that were never completed as well as come up with some new ones for the year as well. Hopefully I can accomplish more this year than last year.

Here's to a happier, healthier, wholesome MA! Hurrah!

Until next time...

The Joys of Clarity

2011-12-29T08:24:00.000-08:00

Well blog, I apologize for neglecting you for so long. I neglect things a lot, which is a key reason I don't have any children, or pets, or living plants...

Anyway a lot as happened since my last post. I completed my first semester of graduate school! I'm at Temple University pursuing my Masters of Journalism. Believe me, it was hard, I bitched a lot, I cried, had panic attacks, walked around with crazy eyes but somehow managed to not only successfully complete my first semester but get A's in both my classes as well!

During my final presentation for my Critical Perspectives of Journalism class, I made a 2 minute movie to introduce my presentation: (it was on comparative news coverage of Turkey's recent earthquake and Haiti's devastating one). As the intro ran, I saw my professor exchange looks with one of the Ph.D students in our class. I stood there in the corner, smiling. At the end of my presentation, my friend says "I think you have a future in this field." We all laughed. My professor loved the intro and asked if I put it together on my own - Yes I did. It was a great moment.

Now, I didn't know I was carrying a 4.0 GPA until right before Christmas. I re-checked my grades to see if there were any updates and low and behold I had a 4.0. Then over Christmas break I went to a Chinese restaurant with my parents and received a fortune cookie which read "you are headed in the right direction." Well, that is always a good thing.

Once accepted into grad school, I didn't feel so certain about anything since I joined the RMC program. I love looking back to see how I ended up where I am today. William and Mary Graduate, volunteers for a year and lives with Catholic nuns, works full time for free, gets hired and a decent salaried job, lives in Center City Philadelphia and goes on to Graduate School for Journalism. It all seems like a grand master plan and I'm happy to be going along with it.

Christmas break was nice, short but nice. I like sleeping oh so much. haha I got an Ipad for Christmas and well...I'd addicted to it. I feel the need to hold it just a few minutes each day when I'm not even playing on it. I think at one point I was watching a movie with my mom and I was clutching the Ipad like it was some sort of memorable keepsake. Its awesome, and its going to be even more awesome using it for school.

This semester I'm taking Editing the News and Leadership in Communications Management. I heard Editing is a doozy, so I'm nervous. Way to set the bar so damn high I might not be able to reach it again. The pressure I put on myself to achieve is insane. I haven't cared so much about school/grades since high school! I'll admit it, I could have been in to the top ranks of my class at William and Mary had I actually tried.

As for the New Year, I guess I'm going to redo my bucket list and try to be healthier. I'm not going to say "I wanna lose 10 lbs!" That just sets you up for failure. I just want to be healthier, more active and more cultured. I also want to travel more around the East Coast when I get the chance.

That is about it! 2011, you were pretty awesome. I liked you a lot.

Until next time...

The 100th Blog Post

2011-08-24T18:30:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to find a momentous occasion in which the 100th blog post could be dedicated towards and I suppose this is it. Today I turned 24 years old on August 24th. It is my Golden Birthday. It was a pretty epic birthday filled with cards, cupcakes, a delicious dinner with a dear friend, margaritas, and lots of well wishes. I was on a bit of a euphoric haze after an exciting orientation at Temple University School of Communications and Theatre where I will begin my Masters of Journalism in approx. one week. It was so refreshing to be around like minded people my own age. There is great hope that I'll be able to form my own little grad school crew of friends to do fun things with. Maybe I'll find some future bridesmaids. haha I'm kidding

Over the past few months I've learned a lot about myself. I've had to reshape the way I see myself and adapt to interesting aspects never before brought to light until recently. I've been challenged at my job in a way I hoped to never be ever again. I ended up in the ER after falling down steps at work and slamming my head into a glass door. I found out I owe about 9 months of gas money to PGW because I hadn't established an account when I moved in and now...sadly...Gilbert is dying.

Gilbert and I began our journey a little over a year ago. Me and this red and blue Betta fish moved to the big city of Philadelphia where we spent our first freezing cold night with our teeth chattering and I wrapped a towel around his bowl to keep him warm. Since then we've both adapted nicely to our new surroundings. I love this city and plan to stay here for awhile and Gilbert soon grew to love his Christmas present of a 5 gallon heated and filtered tank with castles to hide in and plants to sleep by. About a week ago he became listless and spends all his time on the bottom of the tank. He is not eating or swimming and it is just a matter of time before his little fish soul floats to the surface and I have to bury him. I'm not going to flush him down the toilet. I don't care if all drains lead to the ocean. I'm thinking about burying him by the river where I like to fish. Its ironic and peaceful at the same time.

Despite these downs (with even more downs in between) I've discovered that, like many in the human race, I am quite resilient. I didn't fall and cope with various vices but I probably could have done more healthy things to deal with the onslaught of a lot of shit in a short amount of time. Nonetheless I think I'm on an upswing.

I start classes on Tuesday and will go to school Tuesday and Weds nights. It is going to be tough working full time and going to school part time but I think I can handle it. I'm super excited to be back in school and am going to try my best to be the best. On orientation day, I felt like the first episode of Grey's Anatomy where the chief says "4 of you will make it, 2 will quit, 3 will be asked to leave." I mean no one said that at orientation but I felt a sense of competitiveness within myself. That is good, that is what I need.

So now I'm just waiting for classes to start and enjoying the East Coast Apocalypse with our East Coast Earthquake and now the potential doom and wrath from Hurricane Irene. I hope no one dies but I have to admit, I'm a fan of a big storm. I like hurricanes...probably because I've lived through so many of them. I know they can be destructive but in a weird way, they can be kind of fun too.

I dedicate this blog post to Gilbert, my beloved and surprisingly still living Betta fish, to my dear friends who made me feel so special on the day of my birth, to my family who loves me dearly and to the new friends of my future in graduate school. Life is good today.

Until next time...

Who Says You Can't Go Home?

2011-07-02T21:10:00.000-07:00

Alas, I'm on the Eastern Shore of Virginia for what I'm willing to call a "vacation." I'm spending my all time favorite holiday (the 4th of July) at home with my parents. I was starting to get a little homesick for the great ESVA while watching "Friday Night Lights." This show, my new favorite show, portrays a high school football team which is the epicenter of a small town called Dillon in Texas. Now, the Eastern Shore doesn't revolve around a football team, but the small town factor of the show reminds me of well, home.

I can't go anywhere without running into someone I know. Whether its my friend who beat me out for class president my freshman year of high school, or my guidance counselor secretary or even my supervisor from my high school job, the fact of the matter is, you can't go anywhere on the Eastern Shore without bumping into someone you know. Try going to the local Walmart and you'll find people you worked with, lived by, went to school with, dated...etc. And I love every minute of it.

This evening I found myself at the Wachapregue Carnival, a small town fireman's carnival where anyone who is anyone comes out for fried food, kareoke, and a few carnival rides. I used to frequent the carnival when it was held in my old town, Onancock. I remember getting all dressed up just to walk around the carnival grounds and show off. Well now, years later, I find myself at this other small town carnival. Now I've been there many times before, but after living in my concrete jungle and working pretty close to the ghetto, its almost like a reverse yet refreshing culture shock to be amongst the small town folk.

I'm standing there, watching a guy sing a country song while wearing a cowboy hat and everyone and their mother is sitting at picnic tables, happily listening. Then I walk by the bingo tables (where I spent some quality time myself). At one point, my friend and I left the carnival for a bit and ended up at a little outdoor gathering/party where we scored some free Miller Light (because everyone is nice on the Shore) and some really good live music. I found myself sitting on a picnic table, with the seaside breeze blowing my hair, sipping on a Miller Light, listening to "Sweet Home Alabama" while overlooking the beautiful waterfront of this small shore town. It was an amazing feeling. I feel sort of displaced from it all. Its hard to realize that I spent my formative years on this little strip of land surrounded by water.

I returned to the carnival and just embraced the whole enviornment. When I come home to the Shore, I tend to look at the beautiful waterfronts and the acres and acres of farmland and listen to the stillness of life, thinking "why in the world did I give this up?" Yet this time I feel differently. While watching the locals mingle at the carnival, part of me was like "people, there is so much more out there besides the Eastern Shore." I know most of them travel to other places, but to be born, live and die on the Eastern Shore has me mystified. I know it is an amazing place to live but I think about all the fun an opportunities I have in Philadelphia and feel sad that everyone here is missing out.

The Eastern Shore is quiet, peaceful and nobody asks me if I can spare some change. It is clean, open, and incredibly friendly. Yet Philadelphia is loud, busy, cultured, entertaining, and in its own way, beautiful too. So for the first time since venturing back home and leaving my city life for a bit, I feel content with my past and my future. The Eastern Shore of Virginia will always be home to me. It will always be a place to come back to and just soak up the peaceful life it holds. However, Philadelphia is my home too. I'm proud to live there and love the city very much.

While both places are vastly different, I still call both of them my home. :)

Until next time....

How I Became a Tourist in My Own City

2011-05-28T19:28:00.001-07:00

My Memorial Day Weekend plans were set to the tune of something like this. Friday I'd leave work with my best friend and we'd go to this Mexican bar we went to last weekend for a happy hour to start the holiday. Saturday I'd fish along the Schukyll River all day while wearing a cowboy hat and listening to my Ipod. Sunday I'd attend church, a West Philly BBQ, and end the day either watching movies in bed or finding something fun to get into. Monday I'd clean the apartment and exercise or something.

That was the plan. Friday was solid, those things actually happened. Saturday, not so much, but I found something else to keep me occupied. As it turns out, Modells and KMart do not sell fishing supplies. I guess they figure people living in Center City Philadelphia have no use for such things. Either that or fishing poles are not allowed on SEPTA buses. Anyway, I was bummed. Fortunately I found this out Friday night instead of wasting a trip to the Gallery on Saturday.

So Saturday comes and I make a delicious and healthy breakfast. By 2pm (I woke up around 11) I'm ready to go. I decided to visit the five original squares laid out by William Penn in Philadelphia. That would be Rittenhouse, Washington, Franklin, Centre (City Hall) and Logan Squares respectively. They make up a large rectangle surrounding downtown Philadelphia. So I walked 5.5 miles, enjoyed some site seeing (and gelato which I've never had before today) and took a lot of pictures. Overall it was a great way to spend a "plan-less" day. Tomorrow should be on track and Monday...well...we'll see what it brings.

In other news I finally submitted something to the Philadelphia Writer's Group. Wait, not just something, but the first chapter and the introduction to my novel, "The Writer's House." That's right, I'm finally working on a novel. I was really excited to submit it and I'm prepared to handle the critiques come June. If anything I need it since I've never worked on a novel before. My goal is to marry this project (divorce my work for a bit but still keep seeing him) and finish it! No set date but just to steadfastly work on it for awhile.

I walked 5.5 miles today. Wow!

Oh, look...a chicken!

I'm kidding. The heat is making me very scatterbrained. That's about all I had to say. Enjoy the holiday! (Wow, that rhymed!)

Until next time...

How I Survived the Rapture and Made New Navy Friends

2011-05-22T10:56:00.000-07:00

For Rapture Day 2011, my cousin, Erin and I decided to hang out in Philly. It ended up being an epic day and an excellent idea.

We started off the day by getting a cup of Chai Tea (the best Chai in Philadelphia) at The Random Tea Room. Then we ventured down to Penn's Landing for Deleware River Day. We got to the River and immediatly gravitated to the USS Kauffman, a giant Navy ship that was docked at the landing. We wanted to tour it but the final tour had just been let onboard so we weren't able to go.

We decided to stalk the Navy guys, kind of blatnetly, and I found one who was absoutly adorable. I wanted to come up with some catchy Rapture pick up line but settled for asking for a picture.

Afterwards we went to visit the tugboats and then found a sailboat where we could take a one hour cruise onto the River for $5. So we did. It was about an hour till the rapture and we were about to "go on a boat, with our flippy floppies..." We met a guy and his daughter on board and had great conversations during our epic voyage. We took some fun pictures too.

Then I went back to stalk the hot Navy guy, to no avail. It was now about rapture time and the sky became dark and ominious. We took a few rapture pictures and then went down to South Street to have some delicious pizza at Lorenzos. After consuming a slice of pizza the size of our heads, we walked back to Old City and decided to have a beer at Mac's Tavern. This is when it gets interesting.

Erin and I were sitting at the end of the bar and I was in direct sightline to the Navy guys who happened to be in there. There were two seats open next to them but we didn't want to sit there and be obvious. Thankfully a guy and his friends tried to play darts behind us and Erin, slighly fearful she'd take a dart to the head, expressed her concerns. The bartender overheard us and relocated us to the seats next to the Navy boys. Call it fate, but I was overjoyed at our new placement.

After about 20 min we started talking to the one guy next to us. We played age guessing games, spattered some flattery back and forth and then the boys left. Erin and I were content with our brief interaction. We went to catch a bus to head back to my apartment so she could see it, and low and behold our Navy boys walked down the street towards us and invited us to come out with them again. We decided we'd go to one more bar but NOT on South Street. I took the guys and Erin to Drinker's on Market Street. I'm not going to lie, the highlight of my life was probably me leading a group of Navy guys down Market Street as if we were our own elite group. We got a table in Drinkers and had a merry ole' time.

Before we left, we took a group picture and wished each other well. It was a highlarious night filled with fun, eye candy, and epic stories. Before this weekend, I joked with my co-workers saying I'd spent the Rapture making new Navy friends and sure enough that is exactly what I did.

Until next time...

How I Got $1 After Escaping from Crazy Lil John

2011-05-18T20:24:00.000-07:00

It was getting a little late in the evening on a Monday night. I had just finished up my personal training session followed by my weight management group which I affectionately call "fat class." After picking up some snacks for a work meeting for the following day, I went to 5th street to head back home. I hopped on the EL and got off at 11th street. I wanted to take a bus back because my bookbag was so heavy with the snacks and drinks. I didn't feel like walking home from City Hall.

As I waited at the vacant depot, a guy saunters up to me and sits down on the opposite end of the bench. He is Lil John's doppelganger. This guy even has the golden grill teeth. Maybe it was Lil John. All I know is that he was high, drunk, and crazy. He kept talking and rapping to himself. Then, when cars would stop at the traffic light, he'd scream at the cars and wave a cd around saying "HEY! BUY MY CD ITS HOT SHIIIITTTT!!!!"

Normally crazy people don't bother me. I typically avoid eye contact and find something shiny to stare at. Unfortunately the only shiny thing around was this guys teeth. There wasn't a bus in sight and I had to make muffins for the meeting as soon as I got home. I decided to hail a cab because I couldn't deal with the singing, slurring, crazy guy anymore.

The cab pulled up and I hopped in. Lil John screamed at the cab, trying to sell his hot shit CD. The cab driver, who looked like he could be from Turkey, said to me "what is he selling?" I told him "a music cd...and probably a poor one at that." "Thank you for rescuing me from crazy Lil John." Hailing from a foreign country, as most of the Philadelphia cab drivers do, my driver had no clue who Lil John was so the joke was lost.

I put my bus pass away and stared out the window. The driver interrupted my thoughts by asking me, "so what do you do?" Now, in the past I've had cabbies hit on me. One was a really hot Spanish guy who to this day I regret not getting his number. But this guy was just making polite conversation which was a switch from the Arabs who prefer to talk on their bluetooth the entire ride in their native language.

I told him I was a social worker who helped homeless women and children. I didn't know his scope of knowledge of shelters, transitional housing, and youth advocates so I played it simple. After giving him this information, he reached into the center console and whipped out a $1 bill. He handed it to me and said "for the donation bin."

I was touched and startled by the gesture. I was also really tired yet still managed to not make a crack about how we weren't a church or whatnot. I thanked him and told him I'd put it to good use. We continued our small talk which also included a brief conversation of what he should do with a bag of new baby clothes that a guy left in his cab and were now in the cab driver's personal car. In the end he decided to put them in a donation dumpster. He asked me if they'd reach needy people that way.

Having made the mistake of putting a ton of my clothes in the donation dumpster, I should have warned him that 9 times out of 10 the clothes just get torn apart and the fabric is recycled. Instead I wanted to keep his hopes alive and told him that "of course, the baby clothes will make it to a needy person."

We reached my stop and he said "It was a privilege driving you this evening. I really admire someone who helps others and does good for others. Its a rare thing. Have a great night." He gave me his number in case I ever needed a ride. I appreciated the gesture because he was so sincere. He clearly wasn't hitting on me and he cared about the human spirit. It was kind of a rare situation to cherish.

So the following day I brought in that dollar and told the Executive Director about it. We're not sure how it will be put to use but I assure you, it will help someone, someway. I'm a firm believer in donor intent so I'll be sure a resident or child benefits from this man's nice gesture. Yet, his kind words and thoughts behind the action were worth way more than the dollar.

Until next time...

M.A.'s Top 10

2011-05-03T10:05:00.000-07:00

In light of feeling unfulfilled, here is a top ten list of things I'd like to do before I die:

1. Write/publish a Great American Novel, or at least one worthy of a noteworthy literary prize

2. Skydive

3. Go tent camping with a significant other

4. Interrupt a street break dancing routine with moves of my own and then walk away as if nothing happened

5. Learn to surf and purchase a surfboard

6. Own a boxer dog named Bronx

7. Travel to Italy, Australia, Africa, Ireland for the first time and visit Nicaragua again

8. Write an original song and have someone famous sing it

9. Dance on the Ellen Show (yet this requires me to become famous...oops)

10. Be married in a large cathedral

Eat, Pray, Love

2011-05-03T09:15:00.000-07:00

On Sunday, after an epic night of going to the most bizarre yet really fun party in my life, I spend the day watching "Eat,Pray,Love" on Netflix and running over to my friend's house to do laundry. The story of "Eat,Pray,Love" is very interesting. I felt compelled to read it a little after the buzz of the story had died down. A good friend of mine lent it to me and I read a large portion of the book during an RMC retreat. Then, as always, I got really distracted by life and it took me a month or two to finish reading it. It was a great book, but I tend to not finish things when I start them and reading books that are lent to me is always one of those things.

Anyway, so I watched the movie (book was better but I still love Julia Roberts) and I felt so unfilfilled. Not because the movie, as most movies do, left out major and important parts of the plot, but because I found I was longing for my own adventure. Now, I'm not talking about an Italy, India, Bali kind of adventure for I do not have the money, resources, or time off for that. I'd be happy with a local vacay for a few days. But I feel I don't have enough vacation days or money for even the smallest of adventures. Additionally, I'm trying to go back to school and once that starts up (pending my acceptance) I really won't have time for a little getaway.

On top of that, I am not living up to my full potential. Between the weight management classes and work and an ecclectic social life made up of a variety of different people, corresponding into different groups, I don't have time. I feel off balanced, rushed, and like I'm just going through the motions. Here I am, at 23 yrs old and I have an amazing fulfilling job which allows me to make a difference every day. I have a great pay, great benefits, my own apartment in the heart of a buzzing city. Yet I wake up, roll into work, go home, cook, shower, sleep.

Do you want to know what I am NOT doing enough of? Writing. For myself. I don't journal anymore, I just update this blog. I haven't produced creative material in forever. I keep promising myself that one day I'll put myself out there and create and submit work to writing contests...etc But I keep promising and not doing.

What else am I not doing? I'm not praying, ever, unless someone close to me gets stricken with a sickness or a tragedy. I go to church but I just go through the motions, saying the responses, mumbling the words, and daydreaming about what I'm going to wear/eat/do afterwards and beyond into the week.

What else am I not doing? Taking care of myself. I can be the most selfish person you've ever met and also the most selfless. Lately, I feel like I'm living for everyone else but myself. I'm not taking time out to relax, meditate, walk for lesuire and yes...write. I'm too busy planning things for work, attending to my friends' mini crisis and whatever other trivial things that come my way.

These things are important but what is really important is finding balance. The weight management plan is stressful when you have to constantly be aware if your food is high or low glycemic. This gets particularly out of hand when your refrigerator dies in your apartment, like what just happened to me, and despite starving, you have to resisit the temptation to order an entire pizza and live off of it for a few days. The program has worked so far, but the demands are higher. I'm supposed to increase my exercise, do personal training, get up early and drink hot water with the juice of half a lemon squeezed in it, eat a big breakfast with protein and vegetables...yes vegetables for breakfast. Please, I'm lucky if I scarf down a banana or an orange before bolting out the door and rolling up late to work.

My job isn't particularly stressful right now, but I really, really HATE that my mind seems to think that the best time to brainstorm ideas for my job is while I'm laying in bed trying to fall asleep. My mind gets going, the wheels start turning, and before I know it, my alarm is going off and I realize I haven't slept. Forget all of those great ideas because I'm so angry I didn't sleep that I trudge into work looking like a hateful hateful person because I'm so damn tired.

All I have to do is find time for the things I love, maintain my responsibilities for the things I have to do and balance life between it all.

But first I have to try to pull myself together because there is no logical reason why I am falling apart.

Until next time...

Easter Joy and then Some

2011-04-25T08:45:00.000-07:00

This past weekend was Easter Weekend. Prior to this epic weekend was Holy Week, a week of religious ceremonies that I've come to hold very near and dear to my heart since Freshman year of college. Its the four days a year when I feel like I can be overly Catholic with reckless abandon. I feel happier, a sense of Catholic pride, and I'm reminded of when I was confirmed during my freshman year.

This Easter I chose to spend this meaningful time with the Sisters of the Holy Redeemer. I don't know too many people who would be excited to spend Easter with a bunch of Catholic nuns, but these wonderful Sisters are like family to me. Since my parents are all the way in Virginia, and I took my GRE for grad school on Saturday so we couldn't arrange a visit, the Sisters were the next best thing to family. I got to spend time with some of my favorite people, sleep in my old room where I lived for a year during my RMC service year, and just enjoy life.

I love being transplanted. For example, when I'm home on the Eastern Shore of Virginia, I'm suddenly reminded of my roots. I remember fishing out in the bay or eating fried chicken and drinking beer on Cedar Island. I remember catching crabs off the local dock and working as a waitress at the local nursing home. I remember the simplicity of life and the large and elaborate dreams I once had.

The same goes for spending a night in the convent I once lived in. I was transplanted. I remember the joy I felt when asked to do a reading at mass. I could recall how excited I was to start my RMC year. I remember sitting in the chapel, writing in my orange notebook, trying to "discern" what ministry was right for me. I remember sitting in the living room of the convent, going over my expectations for my year of service, simple living and prayer. I remember my interview, when I pranced around the dining room as if I knew all the Sisters my whole life instead of just meeting them for the first time.

The realizations that came to light over this weekend of being transplanted were actually not of any religious nature. I forgot how much I loved nature, quiet and being outside. The Sisters mother house sits on acres and acres of land, with green trees and beautiful rolling fields. Its amazing. When I went to bed on Saturday night I was amazed at how quiet everything was. I forgot how quiet the suburbs were compared to my street corner in the heart of Philadelphia.

I also forgot how much I missed journaling. Lately I've been writing for everyone except myself. I miss nature, I miss writing, I miss quiet moments of meditation, and I miss not having anything to do. I miss having a choice about what activity to do instead of feeling obligated to do laundry, clean my apartment, go to some event or write for others.

And its sounds conceited, but at times we all need to hear from other people just how special we are. This weekend was full of praise and compliments on my reading, my existence, my writing, and my sense of humor. Sometimes we just need to get knocked over by the wave of accolades in order to remember that we are special and we have a lot to offer to the world.

So today, on Easter Monday, I have a bit of an inner peace. I'm done with obligations for awhile and am really going to try to find more time for myself and my personal writing. I'm going to bike along the river and try to explore some local parks. I'm going to do the things I missed and enjoy the things I loved. I'm going to live in the present.

I'm at peace today. I hope its sticks around because its a great feeling.

Until next time...

Things that go bump in the....Ipod!

2011-04-11T08:19:00.001-07:00

There are very few things that I'm actually scared of. The list includes the following random fears:
* fear of climbing up things like trees, rock walls, stools..etc without something to support myself on for balance. (Pretty much scared of scaling heights)

* crickets: don't mind the sound they make but I freak out if I see one

* Getting burned: prefer those lighters with the long rod at the end. Hate lighting candles with matches or a regular lighter

* and the latest....playing Call of Duty Black Ops, World at War: Zombies on my Ipod Touch!

I had played this game before with a friend about a year and a half ago and loved it! I'm horrible at video games since I grew up playing computer games from Donkey Kong to Mega Race to Forever Growing Gardens and eventually the original Sim City. However, I enjoyed the one time I played this epic zombie shooting game and was beyond excited to download it to my new Ipod Touch.

Until I tried to play it...The music is creeptastic and the field of vision on the Ipod is very limited. So you're frantically trying to touch screen your way around the map, hoping that the zombies are not behind you...which they totally are all the time. The first time I played it on my Ipod, I lost in about 1 minute. As the zombie killed me I literally GASPED in surprise! Then I laughed at being scared, pressed restart, and go so wigged out that I had to stop playing. Granted, I was alone and it was late at night. But still, a video game? Come on!

I hope I get better and get over my fear of creepy video game zombies. :) Just thought you could use some amusement for the day. As a side note, I had a very productive weekend which included doing some maintainence on my bike, grocery shopping, two loads of laundry, cleaning the apartment, studying for the GRE and more! I feel accomplished.

Now, if only I could destroy those zombies.

Until next time...

Its not a Diet, Its a Lifestyle Change/How I Became Vegan for a Week

2011-04-04T08:37:00.000-07:00

About two weeks ago, I went to the Art of Wellness in the Bella Vista section of Philadelphia to get a massage. I'm addicted to websites such as "living social, deal yo, and eversave" so I scored a very cheap one hour massage through the online discounts. While in their very nice and relaxing lobby, a staff member gave me a tour and told me about their weight management program. I was interested, I've been wanting to "manage" my weight for awhile. I could definetly use the support of a weekly group, fitness coach and a weight loss plan that didn't involve pre packaged meals, shakes, or a sure fire failure when you're done with the diet.

So after an overview of the Transitions Lifestyle System, I decided to do it. I decided to drop the dough (literally and figurativly) and invest in a weight management program that has the potential to change my life. The first portion of the "diet" involves a 7 day detox. This is..well..intense.

Basically you're Vegan for 7 days. However, you're like super restricted vegan. No nuts, no tofu, no bread (even whole grain), nothing to drink except water and herbal decaffinated tea. In addition to consuming nothing but 3 servings of fruit and unlimited vegetables, you also take a Fiber clensing kit thing. So in the morning I take two capsules that look like they have microbes on them and drink a glass of water with this fiber powder in mixed in. The fiber powder tastes delicious. In the evenings I take four supplements before bedtime.

Honestly, with each day its gotten easier. My first day I was craving carbs like crazy. On day two I went to work. Of course this day was the day the bread truck donates tons of pastries to my workplace for our residents. The stupid shelving unit with the bread is set up on the hallway to my office. So I had to smell that delicious bread all day. On top of that, my boss had leftover hot dogs to share with the staff in honor of the Phillies season opener. Hot dogs are by far one of my favorite foods. Needless to say, day 1 and 2 were very hard.

But today I'm on day 4 and I'm fine. My co-workers have been pretty supportive to. Today when I went to get my lunch there was a big platter of brownies on the table. My boss saw me look at them and covered them up. haha Plus apparently several co-workers are eating healthier because of me. They're not going full jungle vegan but they are eating more vegetables.

Once I get through this week, I'm able to incorporate some protien into my system. I'll be able to eat chicken, fish, and other lean meats into my diet. I'll still be eating vegetables as if they're going out of style but it will be worth it. The hardest part is the 6 week pasta/grain/bread fast. I can't have any pasta, breads, grains, nuts, cakes, or any kind of pastries for 6 weeks. This is to change my need for carbs and even my taste for them. I guess if I can get through one week eating nothing but fruits and vegetables, I can do anything.

I've already lost almost 5lbs. I'm pretty sure its just water weight. I do feel cleaner and even more energized. Maybe it is all in my head, but I feel a lot healthier, empty (in a good way), clean, and peppy.

The program lasts 12 weeks. I'd like to see a siginificant change by then. I won't make it in time for bathing suit season to try on that bikini, but at least I won't ooze out of my plus size swimsuit as much. :)

It's not a diet, its a lifestyle change.

Until next time...

Spring, Where are you? / What's with the noose?

2011-03-30T07:53:00.001-07:00

Why hello, it has been a while. I haven't dropped off the face of the earth or anything, just been hiding in a busy corner of it. The past few weeks have went by in a blur of illness, major events for work, and a slow yet growing social life.

Highlights have been a successful academic awards ceremony for the kids at work, a highly attended book fair for work (my brainchild) and an epically successful major fundraiser that I sold my soul to (at least for the night).

So there are two major things on my mind. I really want to be like Peter Griffin from Family Guy and say, "You know what really grinds my gears?" Well, I'm frustrated that it is March 30th and the weather is still cold as shit. Ok well literally, shit is not cold, but I'm unhappy. I was hoping to retire my winter coat days ago. Now, they're predicting a Nor'Eastern with snow and crap this weekend. WHY??? This winter started early, is lasting forever, and is horrible. I know I sound like a whiney brat, but I am so sick of the cold weather and ready to break out the flippy floppies and t-shirts. In fact, on the four warm days we had, I did just that. My fellow Philadelphians thought I was crazy and they stared at my exposed feet while wrapping their heavy jacket around their body out of habit. I knew what I was doing, I was milking the warm weather for what it was worth.

Second thing. So today I'm on the EL, commuting to work, late, and this guy gets on the train car that I'm on. He's wearing a big green trench coat, and a variety of other clothes. I figure by the look of him, he might be really poor or homeless. I don't judge so I just sat there minding my business. He took a sip of something from his water bottle and then took off his jacket. He reached into his bookbag and pulled out a rope. Then he stood in front of us, the confused passengers. I figured he could be an old navy vet or something and would demonstrate how to tie knots in exchange for money. Its not a crazy idea, I've seen the evangelists, the people preaching the world will end soon, trumpeters, drum lines, break dancers, acrobats and just about everyone out in the streets of Philly trying to earn some money. Then you have your "hungry please help" people, handicapped people with cups, and the occasional, "do you have a quarter, $1, $5, anything?"

So I'm sitting on the EL, wondering why this guy has a rope, and then see its actually a noose. A feeling of awkward and discomfort started to come over me. The woman sitting across from me got up and either left the EL or changed seats. The people behind the man were oblivious to his...awkward display. I sat there, wanting to move but also trying to figure out what's with the noose?

I thought of the practicality of hanging yourself in a SEPTA EL car. He was tall, it wouldn't work. Plus, his rope wasn't that thick. It would probably snap if he tried something crazy. Maybe he was an exhibitioner, or and old member of the modern day Black Panthers that hold rallies outside the convention center requesting all black men to find Jesus, become better husbands and sons, and overcome the adversity of the majority. Or perhaps he'd whip out a sign that read "hung out to dry, need food and money" and the noose was there to prove a point.

He also had a fanny pack in addition to his bookbag and I didn't want to think what could possibly be in there. Thankfully my stop came before I could figure it out. I might never know what he was doing in that EL car unless it makes the news. I know I was uncomfortable and for the first time, really alarmed by a "strange person." There are tons of reasons as to why he had a noose draped over his shoulders. Right? I guess we'll never know.

Until next time...

Relaxation Fail

2011-03-03T10:06:00.001-08:00

So last night, after a particularly not so great day, I decided I was going to take a nice hot bath. I really wanted the relaxation experience so I lit candles, put on classical music and poured myself a glass of wine. Now, I have never taken a bath in my bathtub in the apartment but it looked a lot larger than most bathtubs I have been in. So I figured I'd fit nicely in it and maybe have to bend my knees for ideal soaking comfort.

The problem is, I don't have a plug for my drain. I decided to use a coffee cup because it turned out to be the perfect size to cover the drain hole. I began to fill the tub and put a whole bunch of bath salts, bubble bath mix and even one of those gel bath balls. The tub filled up with hot steamy and bubbly water.

I stopped the water after the tub was a little over half full. I figured my body would cause the water levels to increase significantly. So I turned the lights off, put the candles on the ledge of the the tub, and stepped in.

The heat from the water felt awesome on my feet. As I submerged myself into the tub I realized I could use some more water. I turned on the faucet and alas, nothing but cold water came out. I had used up all the hot water! Giving up on that, I tried to lay back in the tub, bending my knees so the water would cover my stomach and chest. Well, this failed for obvious obesity reasons.

While lying in this awkward position I heard the faint sound of water draining. It was then when I realized that my coffee mug was not sufficently blocking the water drain. So I ended up sitting in the tub with water barely covering my legs until there was no water. I then got up and took a cold shower since I had used all the hot water.

After my cold shower, I blew out my relaxation candles, chugged my glass of wine, proceeded to watch my fish swim around for a half hour, and then decided it would be a great idea to read the cards from the Cranium game. I tested myself to see if I knew all the Humdinger songs. Then I pulled down my high school journal.

While reading my high school journal I was embarassed. One, because the writing is AWFUL. It screams hormonal teenager who can't write for crap. (I've improved in my writing so much by now) Two, because I did some really stupid and embarassing crap in high school that unfortunatly I still do today. I found a quote that I think I came up with on my own. It read:

"Don't make someone your world only to become their option."

Wow. If I wrote that, that is the most profound thing I have ever said! Words to live by.

So tonight I'm not going to try any cool relaxation technique. I'm going to get off work late, go home, watch Grey's Anatomy and go to bed early. I can relax in my sleep.

Until next time...

Life is Not Like the Movies

2011-03-02T12:06:00.000-08:00

You know in the movies how the couples work? Usually you have one person who is really busy or going through a rough patch in their life. They're trying to figure themselves out and do what is the best thing for themselves. Then you have the other person swoop on in and completly turn the stressed out person's life upside down. The couple starts going and doing things that the one person wouldn't do on his or her own. The other person brings the life out of the crazy stressed out one. I think the words, "just live a little" are uttered at some point.

I always thought I was going to be the creative and wayward life changing one. I never even considered the possibility of being hit by a Mack truck of surprise and having my world turned upsidedown. I didn't think I would be the one laying under traffic lights or taking random road trips without a concrete plan. Nope, never considered it.

I wish I could tell you that all of those things are happening but they are not...and that is ok. I'm not even complaining for once. I think I just realized that I need to be open to getting the wind knocked out of me as I am swooped into the arms of some crazy adventure. The thought of laying under traffic lights or road tripping spotaneously, makes me happy. The thought, that is...of course with my structured life and marriage to my job, there is no room for such spontaniety.

So maybe I don't have to be someone else's whirlwind. Maybe someone will come along and save me from myself. Maybe he'll be MY whirlwind and once I'm slapped out of my work clothes and stressed out outlook, I'll be a whirlwind too. We could be whirlwinds together. However, I prefer to be more like a hurricane.

Until next time...

You are Destined for Greatness

2011-02-25T09:31:00.000-08:00

I pondered the idea of writing "You are Destined for Greatness" and taping it to my bathroom mirror. It sounds like an incredibly cheesy idea straight out of a self-help book, but I thought it was worth trying. Upon further relfection of this idea, I realized it would fail. Not because I would laugh at that statement daily, but rather, I take 100 degree showers. So the ink would run and the paper would crinkle. Plus, I need the whole mirror to examine myself in the morning anyway.

What is greatness? Is it the attribute of world leaders and life changers, or is it a quality in which we can all possess? Is greatness a thing we strive for? Does the prospect of greatness motivate us?

I think it may motivate me. In high school, countless people told me "Mary Anna, you are going places." "Mary Anna, you're going to do big things." "Mary Anna, you're going to be somebody big someday." I'm trying to capture some of that high school MAness I had. Back in the day, I wasn't scared of anything. I felt I had nothing to lose. I wore confidence like a Coach purse and felt...powerful. Maybe it was all the potential people bestowed upon me. Maybe it was because I was president of my class for three years, prom queen, homecoming queen, president of the FLBA, vice president of the PTSA, and played God in the school play. Maybe because I got into one of the most prestigious schools in the state, or because I had a closeknit group of friends always at my side.

I remember walking the halls of my high school, when this freshman girl bumped into me. She said, "What do you say?" I looked at her, trying not to laugh at her rudeness when her friend whispered to her, "Don't you know who that is? Thats Mary Anna Rodabaugh." Of course, the scrappy freshman said, "I don't give an *bleep* who she is..she needs to say excuse me." I was already past her and down the hall, laughing to myself that her friend had a sense of awe in her voice.

I know this sounds like a horribly concieted memory and you might be rolling your eyes at my bragging but it is important to note these things. When I arrived at William and Mary, I carried my confidence around with me until about 12 hours into my freshman orientation. It took 12 hours to knock down a spirit of fearlessness that had been built within me for 18 years.

I trapsed through college, enjoying various nitches. I felt accepted by my sorority, reveared by the radio station, and respected by my workplace. However I couldn't help but think I reached my peak in high school. With a life full of potential infront of me, how could I possibly think that high school was the high top to my mountain?

Looking back I still want to believe that I am destined for greatness. I guess I've done "big things" by solidfying myself in the Youth Advocate position at my work. After all, there was no position until I started volunteering and some may say that I made myself a bit indispensible. I try to help people everyday, isn't that greatness?

It is, to some extent. But I feel I am destined for more. The world is going to know who I am. I'm on the brink of making some exciting life changes which I will share with you later. However, I find myself following my passions and designing my path to greatness. It will happen. I took the confident and fearless high school spirit and coupled it with the mature and slightly cautious and responsible adult I am today. Coupling these two extreams and balancing them into one person...I can only become great, I can only change lives each day through my compassion, my love, and my passions.

Until next time...

I HATE Valentine's Day. :-)

2011-02-14T07:40:00.000-08:00

I hate Valentine's Day with a fiery burning passion. However, I've learned a lot of things over the past few weeks. One of those things is that Singles Awareness Day sucks a lot less if you hate it less. So instead of plotting the death of couples and projectile vomiting when I see engaged facebook status updates, I decided to embrace the holiday with all the love I could muster.

I'm at work today with a bright red dress covered in tiny little hearts. My mom made me this dress a few years ago for Valentine's Day. I'm also donning a heart shaped necklace, a red bow around my high pony tail and yes, bright red lipstick. My Valentine's Day didn't start the way I wanted to because the Cupid's Choice Donuts at Dunkin Donuts were all sold out...everywhere. I knew this would happen but I was really discouraged when reality set it. Everyone and their mother wanted those donuts...shaped like hearts with pink frosting and little sprinkles. I wanted to start my day with that donut, but not everything works the way we want it to.

Anyway, I encountered a rather awkward experience two weekends ago. I was at a bar with my friend on a Friday night. There was a guy sitting one seat over to my left and from the side profile, he looked kind of cute. My friend, a juke box junkie went to pump some dollars into the machine so we could hear some old school hip hop. As I sat at the bar, I started at the liquor bottles displayed in front of me, trying to think of something to say to this guy. He was alone, drinking a Miller Lite, looking kind of angry.

I thought about saying "so what is wrong?" but then realized that was the social worker coming out in me and that question was far from flirty. I considered asking him if he lived around the area but thought that was lame as well. I also was hit with a huge amount of insecurity. In my mind, if I spoke to this guy, I imagined him saying hi and then excusing himself from the conversation only to leave the bar. I imagined that in his eyes, I was just that "big girl," that the guy I bumped into on the street called me on a summer evening.

Or on New Years Eve, when I porused the bar, scoping out the seemingly single guys. I asked a bunch of guys where their girlfriends were. They both responded, quite quickly with "at the bar." I smiled, recovered quickly from this awkward moment (I might have been buzzed at the time) and simply stated that the bar employed me to make sure all the single guys had a lady to kiss at midnight. I then retreated to a safe place to pick up the broken shards of my dignity. When I went to the restroom about an hour later, I glanced over at that same cluster of guys only to find that there wasn't a single girl around them. They totally rejected me with a lie. I'm probably a lot better off for it, but it stung for a hot second. I then proceeded to rant in the girl's restroom about the encounter only to be hailed a gutsy hero of the single woman world (according to the fellow ladies in the bathroom). Right...

Back to the awkward encounter: My friend came back and a huge group of people took her spot at the bar. Apparently one of them just got engaged...engaged people follow me everywhere. Upon my friend taking that vacant chair, the guy immediately lit up and began talking to us...more so my friend than me. I knew he wasn't her type so I wasn't worried about her "stealing" this guy from me. In fact, as he started talking I realized he was pretty wrong for me. But I couldn't help but envy her for a hot second. Line us up on the side of a gym and ask the boys to pick a girl to dance with and they will most certainly choose her. She is petite, sassy and half Cuban. I'm the poster child for the average obese American. :P

I came to the realization that I might be incapable of being in a relationship right now. Not only is my time spread so thin with activities and work, but I also require a bit of alone time to decompress from the work week. I might be socially incompetent right now to be with someone. I say these things not with despair or loathing, but actually with a sense of thoughtfulness. I mean, I've been pining to be with someone when in reality...there is still a lot of self exploration to be done before I can add a guy into the equation. For once, I'm not distraught at that realization. I'm actually at peace.

So that experience coupled with the severe mood swings/depression/unexplainable lows that my doctors blames on my medications...has led me to spend Valentine's Day in a special way. Tonight I'm going to help out with a dessert/game night for homeless men. Its a service event the church I sing at is sponsoring. I've decided that Valentine's Day is about loving everyone, including yourself. Why not spread some love to some people who might not have anyone to love them right now?

So last year I adopted this "love hard and love fully" philosophy and it was great. Valentine's Day really sucks less when you hate it less. Embrace it, eat a lot of chocolate and smile at the couples instead of glare. You'll feel better. I know I do.

Until next time.

Here It Comes

2011-02-07T16:57:00.000-08:00

There are a lot of things coming up. In about 5 posts, the 100th post of Life After College will debut. It is huge because I can never commit to anything so I'm proud of keeping up with something for over two years. Spring is coming up and that is good. It was in the mid 40s all weekend which was actually warm to us frozen Northerners. I actually saw poor souls in tank tops and shorts because they wanted to embrace the chilly springish weather. If I wasn't on a heating strike with PECO, I'd be out there donning my short sleeves too. (Last month's bill was OUTRAGEOUS so I'm engaging in a heatless strike). It doesn't benefit me or PECO but I like the perserverence. I'm not using my heat for the month of Feb. They don't get my money and I bundle up like an Eskimo. Valentine's Day is coming up. I hate Valentine's Day. But it is going to be about 50 degrees on Vday. So maybe I'll go out for a walk along the river after work. All the couples should be having dinner together so I should be able to escape the dressed up guys with flowers and the girls looking head over heels in love. Enjoy it peeps.

The past few posts I wrote were never published because they were too full of depressed stories and self loathing. While I'm pretty certain I may be suffering from clinical depression and I'm too stubborn to seek the professional help that can cure it, I will spare you a boring, sad sad post. Instead I thought I'd just share some interesting things about myself for the sake of entertainment. After all, that is what I live to do.

So here we go:

5 Random Trends/Fads I Never Caught On To:

1. Jeggings - I tried a pair on one day and was terrified with what I saw. I think they were made for skinny people only.

2. Reality TV - Yup, I don't really watch American Idol, Survivor, The Bachelor, The Amazing Race...etc. However, I did get engrossed in Project Runway last season. But I don't watch that anymore either.

3. Glee - Never jumped on the "Gleek" bandwagon. I watched about 10 minutes of it and thought "nope not for me." It could be because I don't really care for musicals...which is like a Christian saying they don't really care for God if you're a theatre major (which I was).

4. Victoria Secret Apparel including the "Pink" collection - I just can't bring myself to buy a $35 bra when I can get 3 bras for that price at the Hanes store. Now I know there is some sort of sex appeal when you walk out of VS carrying your pink bag which you tend to use as a lunch box, purse, and whatever means which allow you to flaunt your bag in public. I never caught onto that trend. It seems expensive and pointless.

5. Apple mania - I have to admit, I own an Ipod and I will probably purchase the new nano soon. I was against the Ipad until I learned you can compose digital music on it which peaked my interest, however, I do not own a Mac, Iphone, Ipod Touch, or any other Apple project (minus an Ipod...Gen 1). I loved the Motorola commercial where everyone is wearing white...because its true the world is brainwashed by Apple Products. Crackberry Lover For Life! (cradels Torch).

5 Random traits that make me seem like a man (sometimes a gay man):

1. I find sentimentality in everything: "oh boy! This is that parking lot where that song came on and we sang at the top of our lungs together" enough said.

2. I despise wearing heels. I know they make me look sexy and jazz up any outfit but I hate that they are so uncomfortable. I'd rather be comfortable over looking jazzy. Therefore, I'm a dude.

3. I think pizza and beer is one of the best meal inventions since the beginning of time.

4. I'm starting to grow a blonde mustache. Trust, I don't embrace it and it makes me uncomfortable.

5. I use words like "bro" "dude" and "yo" on a daily basis. I take pride in belching and tackling others and not only do I like sports, but I actually understand them.

5 Elements of My Current Life Crisis

1. Physically, I'm a disaster...I'm obese, I have one of those grandma pill containers filled to the brim with daily meds, I can never get my hair to look normal, and I've been sick three different ways in the past month.

2. I lack the self esteem I once had. I feel insecure when I have to call the phone company let alone talking to strangers or GULP guys.

3. I'm suffering a severe bout of self-loathing. Nothing anyone says or does makes me feel like the multi-talented and valuable person that I supposedly am.

4. I'm terrified of rejection in all forms. I'm scared to submit my writing to anywhere because I'm scared of rejection. I'm scared to talk to guys because I assume they will just dismiss me because I'm so insecure right now. I'm terrified to try new things for feal of failure and thus rejection of myself.

5. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I'm doing well in my current field but I am uncertain I want to pursue this field as a longterm career.

5 Random Talents I Have:

1. I'm one helluva radio dj

2. I get myself into the most awkward and interesting situations, most of the time without even trying.

3. I can make people laugh until milk comes out their nose.

4. I am a damn good writer.

5. I am great with working with people, from college kids, to the elderly, to homeless women and children.

5.5 I'm a damn good performer.

5 Random Guilty Pleasures/Quirks About me

1. I enjoy watching Jeopardy and answering with a question aloud

2. I like saltine crackers with cake icing on them as a snack

3. I'm slightly addicted to Grenadine Syrup

4. I sleep with a stuffed dog named Scrappy...and I have since 1st grade

5. I feel the need to clean my apartment every weekend.

Thats it, no more.

Until next time...

Hold On To 47 Degrees

2011-01-19T08:40:00.000-08:00

On my way to work this morning as I walked the streets of North Philadelphia, I did something I haven't done in a long time. I SMILED on my way to work. I still adore my job and things are busy but not particularly stressful. However, during this walk I recalled a time when my friend and I were at Penn Treaty Park eating sandwiches and sweating buckets while an elderly man with his shirt raised over his stomach kept running laps around the park, making comments each time he passed. Why did I remember such a bizarre memory? Because it was 47 degrees outside...the first time in two months where I could walk to work without seeing my breath. This weather has been horrible and apocolyptic. I think I've devloped that seasonal disorder where you get depressed because the sun doesn't shine...ever. No wonder people in Alaska go crazy! I take Vitamin D twice a day and I still don't feel all that happy and perky.

I need abundant sunshine. Warmth. Blue skies and an occasional rockstar thunderstorm.

This week has been anything but easy. I've battled "normal" reactions to my new medications, stomach cramps that make you want to go to the light, and general uneasiness/moodiness with a nice slap of pessimism.

On Saturday I had a great day with my friend David from William and Mary. We went to the Academy of Natural Sciences and enjoyed a fun day of nerdin out. What was refreshing about being with David is that I could be my silly self....a certain part of myself I tend to conceal when I'm with older or new people. There is just something liberating about sticking your head in a dinosaurs mouth for a picture or pretending you're falling head first into a snow covered fountain. For one day, I was a kid again and I loved it.

Saturday night marked the beginning of "the week of the pain." That night my stomach and female organs rebelled against me in such a way I thought I was going to die. I was exhausted from a long and fun day. All I wanted to do was sleep but sleep I could not. Not with all of that pain. I think it finally subsided around 1:30am or so. It was just a rough night....that led to a rough week of pain, fatigue, and ill feeling all over.

But I'm married to my job and lack common sense so of course I come in to work to make everyone else miserable! I spend the day, strapped to my desk chair, being non productive and complaining about everything. In my mind, its the right thing to fight through the pain and come to work to do my job. In reality, I should have stayed home, recovered properly, and came back to work refreshed and ready to be very productive. Fail.

So today is the best I've felt in awhile. I finally picked up my new TV at Walmart and have become somewhat addicted to it. The stars are aligned and I can start focusing on what is important.

That would be....trying to figure out what I want to do with the rest of my life because I love my job but I'm not sure this is the career path I want to head down, sticking to a firm and disiplined fitness regieme, actually practcing my 12 steps to happiness, learning new things like increasing my proficiency in Spanish, writing something to submit to my montly writer's group, and actually being social. I'm too young to be a hermit.

Let's work towards getting these things accomplished!

I'll start tomorrow...or maybe Friday.

Until Next Time...

insert sound of noisemaker here

2011-01-07T13:58:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year everyone! I had a post about post-Christmas fun but I never had time to finish it. Christmas was great, got snowed in, had a wonderful time with family. Got to stay home an extra day because of the crazy snow. A true highlight would be my dog, Ralph, on Christmas morning, barking and wagging his tail like an excited 5 year old because Santa came and he was allowed to rip up paper. Ralph was very happy. :)

The end of December went by in a blur. One day at work which was a late day. Then New Years Eve. I went out with some friends to a bar in Old City and rang in the new year with the best of them. Had a few drinks, watched some fireworks and went home to thankfully my own bed. Went to the Mummers parade on New Years Day and enjoyed some mummery. Then spent the rest of the day recovering from my escapades.

I didn't make a resolution but rather a 12 step plan to happiness. I thought that if I made 12 individual goals and worked towards each one I'd be a healthier, happier and better person.

With fitness being a top priority, I decided to take a Bikram Yoga intro week set of classes. My first class wasn't as bad as I was expecting. It was hard but it was fun and I could get the just of a lot of the poses. When I went to take the class again two days later, I could barely stay in the room. I was suffocating in the heat, I couldn't hold a single pose, I cheated throughout the poses just to get through them.

I left that second class feeling tired and defeated. I swore I'd never give up but I was really considering doing so. I spent the evening feeling sick and just not in a great mood. I take my third class on Sunday morning. I hope it goes better than before. Afterwards I'm planning on switching to a new Yoga studio closer to work and see if I like their yoga better. I'll be able to take a variety of classes including Yoga for Fat People (politely termed, Yoga for Larger Bodies). I'm excited to be in a room full of my people as we wobble and groan our way through the postures while constantly readjusting our tanktops to stay covering our massive bellies.

I was recently put on Metformin, a drug used to help with insulin production and regulation. I do not have diabeties, but my endocrine specialist thought that maybe this drug will help me lose weight and regulate things better. It causes heartburn and an upset stomach the first week and then it is supposed to reduce your appetite. So I thought this drug combined with healthy eating and exercise should help me lose weight and become a healthier person!

I knew it would take hard work with diet and exercise in combination with the drug but I didn't know it would come with huge sacrafices. I am almost forbidden to drink alcohol on this stupid pill. I have to take it twice a day. An occasional glass of wine is acceptable. This news is nothing short of devastating. For someone whose mini bar consists of Long Island Ice Tea mix, Tequila, Pink Lemonade Vodka, Everclear and Rum....this is just sad. Now, I do not drink as much or as frequently as I did in college. When I go out with friends, I'll have a few mix drinks or a few beers. When I'm home in the apartment, I might have a glass of wine once a week with a nice dinner I cook. However, I feel like this restriction put upon me is unfortunante. It means when I go out with friends I have to be happy with a beer. The drug interactions are so terrifying (chance of developing a disease which has a 50% mortality rate increases by drinking alcohol while on this pill) that I don't want to drink at all.

Cutting down on drinking was not part of the 12 step plan to happiness. Guess it is now. So I'm pretty bummed but hopefully I'll save money on cab rides and booze since my going out on the town has been cut down. Bring on all the museums, concerts and church events because the bar scene is going to become a less important part of my life.

Until next time...

Love is What You Make It

2010-12-08T07:24:00.001-08:00

The title of this blog has nothing to do with the blog. I'm pretty sure Tommy Tom sings a song called "Take Me Out" and the title of this blog is a song lyric. I'm listening to the song right now.

That being said, I owe the world an update, I suppose. Two weekends ago I went home for the Holiday. I had a nice and lengthy stay (A WHOLE WEEK)on the Eastern Shore of Virginia. I was finally able to go hunting with my dad! I don't think I'm cut out for waking up at 4am every morning and sitting in a shooting house for several hours while freezing my butt off, but I am cut out for the afternoon trips. I was the only person who saw a deer all weekend! It was out of range and behind some trees though. I got to go out about two times and I really enjoyed it!

I also got to visit my favorite places such as the Thrift Stores, the new Wal-Mart and others as well. I ate plenty of turkey, had plenty to be thankful for, and overall had a wonderful trip.

I returned to my oh-so-glamorous life in Philadelphia on December 1st. It is hard to believe that I have been living in my apartment for almost a whole month now! As I write this, it HAS been over a month! I still have a few boxes I need to unpack and the Christmas lights need to be put up. Other than that, the place looks great. I have my little Christmas tree up and the fishtank area is all decorated.

Work was crazy because once you're gone a week it is as if you're gone a whole year. I spent the greater part of the tail end of the week, catching up on paperwork, assessments and other various odds and ends.

This past weekend was pretty epic, though. I finally know how to work those bike racks on the SEPTA busses since I had to use them about 3 or 4 times over the weekend. I traveled to Huntingdon Valley for a birthday party at the Sisters of the Holy Redeemer motherhouse. It was great to see my old friends that I used to live with and interact with each day. I even stayed overnight in my old room where I lived when I volunteered! I went to Mass on Sunday with the Sisters as well. It was a great weekend of merriment and partying and well...a lot of traveling in this cold cold weather.

On Sunday I had a meeting in Fishtown about a potential writing gig. I can't say much about it except for the fact that I'm really excited about it. It is more of a project than a long standing freelancing job. This project is unlike anything I've ever done before! I'm still trying to convince myself 100% that I am capable of taking on such a unique project. That is all I'm going to say about that! Sorry to keep you wondering. :)

By the time I arrived back at my apartment on Sunday night, I almost kissed the floor. Bike riding in the city is quite the experience. Cars are about 6 inches away from you on all sides. You have to ride dangerously close to parked cars too! I'm also pretty sure that I ticked off every SEPTA bus driver who had to wait while I put my bike on the bike rack. To get to the suburbs I had to ride my bike about 6 blocks, take the subway, take TWO buses, and then ride my bike another 8-10 blocks up and down hills in 30 degree weather!!! To get back, I had to skip after mass lunch and catch a bus to catch a subway. I had to store my bike at work because I don't have a U-lock yet. Then I went to my meeting, walked back to work, biked to the subway, got off in the city and biked 6 blocks back to my apartment.

I met a lot of interesting people along the way. There was the old man who kept repeating his stories of waiting for the bus while we waited for a very late bus. Then I met a really nice guy who talked to me about bike riding as I waited for the elevator to get onto the EL platform. He was really nice and wished me Merry Christmas about twice. :) I also can't forget all of the people who offered to help me carry my bike up mass amounts of stairs. There were more encounters and interactions but I can't remember them right now.

So today I am on the tail end of a cough/cold. I'm excited about my new project, relativly caught up at work and desperatly wishing for warmer weather. The holiday programs at my work are about to be in full swing so I forsee being very busy until after Christmas. Other than that, life is just...well..good.

Until next time....

I've Moved!!!!

2010-11-11T07:55:00.000-08:00

That's right folks! I have officially moved! The day I have been dreaming about, whining about and pining for, finally came. It was an epic adventure of a weekend (to which my body is still recovering) but it was worth it. As promised, here are the deets.

Tuesday 11/2 - I officially signed my lease and was supposed to get my keys but they were not available. So, I got to see the place and started freaking out. The sink in the bathroom was clogged, the fridge was a total disaster inside, there was dirt everywhere, the painters left their stuff and the apartment was a lot smaller than I had imagined (since its been almost a month since I saw the place). I was starting to stress out about a variety of things. However, Pop said he'd clean and fix things up for me and that keys would be waiting for me at the pizza shop when I moved in.

Fast forward to Friday 11/5 - I was supposed to do two car loads with Sarai and clean the apartment before moving in on Saturday. I wanted to bring stuff like dishes, cleaning supplies, boxes without lids..etc. That two load, turned into one load which turned into a minor disaster. We hit traffic upon leaving the burbs and finally got to the apartment an hour later. Well, as luck would have it, the keys that were left for me did not work in the front door. I called my landlord and an hour later...he still didn't show up. Sarai was really sick and was feeling worse by the minute. I had no choice but to unload the car onto the sidewalk and around the front door and send Sarai home so she could get to bed. So I stood there, on busy Race street, with a large portion of my belongings including a case of beer, toilet paper, cleaning supplies and various odds and ends.

Suddenly the door to the building opened and a guy about my age popped out. I nearly pounced on him as I said "I LIVE HERE LEAVE IT OPEN!!!" I took a deep breath and then calmly explained that I just moved here and my key didn't work. I guess he's seen it all because he seemed unbothered by my frantic crazy eyes. He left it unlocked. I then began to trudge up 3 flights of stairs and carry my crap into my apartment. The key worked to my apartment door, thank God!

In the middle of hauling my stuff single handedly, I met one of the pizza shop owners. He asked me where my future husband was and when I told him I was single...he promised to find me a "big strong man" for me to marry. Oh, how I love Greeks. Anyway, my landlord showed up and seem perplexed that I had gained access into the building. He tried my keys and they worked! I couldn't stop myself from laughing...the door was unlocked...of course they worked! I locked the door and we tried the keys again. Of course, they did not work. The problem? I was given the wrong keys. Pop gave me a key off his key ring and BOOM it worked. He apologized profusely, observing that I was a hot mess, literally, and went about his way.

I had a lot of cleaning ahead of me but the sink was unclogged and the fridge was cleaned! This time, the apartment seemed bigger than what I observed on Tuesday. I puttered about, putting some thing away and cleaning as much as I could. The job was too much for one person. I didn't leave until about 9:30 at night (mind you I arrived to the apt around 4). Then I made a trek that I am all too familiar with. Bus to the subway, subway to Frankford, Frankford bus to suburbs, 8 blocks walk to house. I didn't mind considering it would be my last time doing that journey.

I arrived "home" around 10:50 and decided to haul all my crap up from the basement and put it in the garage. I didn't want my moving helpers to have to trek up and down the basement steps. About an hour later, the garage clicker stopped working for me. After hauling ALL my stuff into the garage...I thought I LOCKED all my stuff in there forever. By this time I was tired, frantic, stressed, and doubting that I'd be able to fit all my stuff into my Uhaul. I went to bed at 1am.

Saturday 11/6 - MOVING DAY. 6 hours of sleep later I got up and tried to tie up as many loose ends as I could before picking up my Uhaul. I found a garage clicker that worked and managed to haul more stuff into the garage. Still intimidated by the sheer amount of my stuff, I had no choice but to get my Uhaul and hope for the best. I had a bag of clothing donations to drop off along the way. As it turns out, I RECYCLED my clothes instead of donate them to the needy. I was freaking out about this until I convinced myself that they clothes are sorted before being turned into rags and whatnot.

I get to the Uhaul place, fill out my paperwork and they pull up with my Uhaul. It had a big Venus Flytrap on the side, which I liked, and it looked...small. My biggest fear was that we wouldn't be able to get everything in that Uhaul and it looked so tiny to me. I was disappointed.

Then I had to drive the Uhaul to its first destination. I hate driving on Roosevelt Blvd...and I had to drive a Uhaul on it! (For about 20 feet but still!) I was doing really well until I hit a curb on a Northeast street. I panicked, lost my sense of direction and went to the wrong house. I had to follow my friend to get to the first destination since I spooked so easily. Once we got to the house to pick up my couch...we waited for 20 minutes only to find out the rest of the moving party was at the other house waiting for me!

After I turned the keys over to my friend...the move went smoothly. ALL of my stuff fit in the Uhaul AND it could have fit more stuff if needed. I felt so bad for not believing in my Uhaul and its sheer size. We didn't even use the "mom's attic" section of the truck. The rest of the day was kind of a blur. We pulled up to the apartment and 7 people helped me unload everything. It took us maybe, an hour and a half to get all my stuff into my apartment. Afterwards I bought everyone pizza and returned the Uhaul. We stayed under the gas limit and mileage so I didn't have to pay any extra fees! I wish I took more pictures of the move but everything was happening so quickly. Plus, I didn't want to stand around taking pictures while everyone helped move my stuff.

When I returned from the Uhaul drop off, I discovered that I didn't have my apartment keys. I looked back in the car I drove, around the car, in the apartment, and even had people check the Uhaul drop off place. My keys were nowhere to be found. So my first night in my new place was a little rough. I saw my first bug. I couldn't figure out how to take a nice hot shower. There was an incredibly about of cleaning that needed to be done. I was stressed about the lost keys, the apartment was freezing, I was incredibly exhausted, and I couldn't believe how quickly the process went. I am so grateful for everyone who helped me with this move. I couldn't have done it without them!

Sunday 11/6 - I woke up in the middle of the night freezing and shaking. I wrapped Gilbert's fishbowl in a towel...hoping to warm his water a little bit. I put on fuzzy socks and about 3 blankets onto my already blanketed bed. What a night! When I woke up I kicked into major productivity mode. I put together my kitchen, washing each dish and putting it away. I arranged the living room to roughly how I want it. I called my landlord to get a new set of keys and fortunately, he was understanding of my situation. I was chained to the apartment but at least I got a lot done.

Friday 11/11 - Its almost been a week and I have some clothes in the closet. I've figured out how to take nice hot showers. I'm slowly creating innovative ways to keep the heat inside my building and to keep the draft outside. I haven't seen any bugs (although the mouse trap under the sink worries me). I found the best way to sleep on my bed is close to the wall. I still sleep with socks on but I can sleep though the night easily. I've managed to break down tons of cardboard boxes and recycle them. And most of all, when I open that door after a long day at work...I feel like I'm home. Two nights ago I made Tuna Helper and danced in my kitchen. Sometimes I'll take down my ghetto curtains (a blanket and a huge cardboard box) and look at the PECO building thinking to myself that I always dreamed of living in a big city and here I am.

I made it.

Until next time....

I Can Hear the Allelujah Chorus

2010-10-15T08:17:00.000-07:00

What a whirlwind of a week. One week ago I had off from work for the first time in forever and my mom drove up to PA with a carload of my stuff to store at my current homestead. I drove us back down to VA and spent the weekend with my parents and of course, Ralph, my adorable yet elderly dog. It was a short stay, but I enjoyed it very much. Inspired by the show, "Hoarders," I decided to de-clutter my bedroom and purge of all clothing that didn't fit and donate toys and other items to the needy. I then packed more necessary things that I'd like to have with me as I start my independent life in Philadelphia.

I was privileged to visit the Eastern Shore of VA Wal-Mart which was AWESOME. It has been a long time coming. I recognized about 20 or so people in the famous Wal-Mart but seemingly wandered the aisles un-noticed. It was like wearing a disguise and watching your neighborhood interactions. I think it is because the last time a lot of these people saw me I weighed about 70 lbs lighter and had bleached blond hair. :)
After the Wal-Mart trip, I treated the parents to some Chinese food at Dragon House. Now that I'm gainfully employed, I've decided I need to start paying "parent support."

Sunday came like lightening and it was time to pack up and head back North. My mom and I split the drive and she stayed with me for a few days in my friend's house that I'm staying in. I got to leave work a little early to spend the evenings with her. We got to go to the park and eat out a few times. It was really nice having her in that normally empty house for awhile. (My friend is on vacay).

That was the highlights of the week in short...oh wait one more thing. So I've spent a lot of time wallowing in self pity, complaining about my weight gain and thinking that "once I get my own place my life will improve." To be honest, I don't know if having my own place will solve all of my problems. Chances are, it will probably create new ones. Needless to say, I've overcome these self deprecating thoughts with a new hope.

Here is a worthwhile story:

Monday morning rolls around and I'm in work. I have TONS to do but I spend a good portion of my free time stalking Craigslist. My mother is in town and it would be great to take her on a few apartment tours with me. So I spend the day desperately finding places we can go look at so her visit here seems to be productive. I checked Craigslist every 15 to 20 min for new listings. I found out the house I wanted to see was already under an agreement. I was going to go look at a place in the ghetto if I had to. Well, suddenly I click on an apartment listing that is in an area that I wasn't even considering due to the price.

The ad was two sentences and in all caps. There were no pictures, no descriptions, just a number to call for showings. Normally I just move on to the next ad but something inside of me said "call this number." The end of this fairytale is predictable but we're going to enjoy the suspense anyway.

So I called and by the end of the phone call I had an appointment to see a one bedroom apartment right outside Logan Square in CENTER CITY at 4pm. I called my mother and she picked me up at 3:30pm. I drove us though the city, trying to suppress the panic attack welling inside of me and the heart attack that was bound to happen since we got lost twice on our way to the place. For some odd reason, my heart races, my lungs close up and I get really nervous before viewing an apartment. It happened at the last one which was a tiny little apartment covered in layers and layers of filth. As I'm driving through the city I think to myself "This better be worth it."

I arrived at the location 15 minutes late, but I called to warn them I missed the exit off the interstate. The guy who put up the ad told me to go to this pizza shop and ask for "Pop." "Pop" would show me the apartment and if I had any questions I could call this other guy. Ok...random...but I thought what the hey. It was in a great location at an amazing price. I figured it would be this small little hole in the wall that had barely enough room for a bed and a table.

So I walked in the shop, asked for "Pop" and was greeted by this elderly Greek man. We walked outside and I talked to him, trying desperately to make a good impression in case this apartment was indeed, the one. Meanwhile my mother is trying to parallel park and having some difficulty. I'm staring through the car like its not even there. So Pop steps in and helps her park with hand motions that aren't exactly helpful. She gets situated and then we were finally able to go see the apartment.

After three mini flights of stairs we stopped at a door down a short hallway. Pop opened the door and I walked inside.

To Be Continued.....

I'm kidding. Inside the apartment I was greeted by lime green walls which I found kind of charming. There was a living room, a kitchen, a bathroom and a HUGE bedroom. I couldn't believe the size of everything! I immediately fell in love with the place. It was charming, big enough for me but small enough to maintain.

That evening we drove by the place to see what the area looks like at night. Between the Brownstone mansion row homes and the plethora of museums, taverns, shops, and art galleries, I think I'll be fine. I'm a skip and a hop away from parks, shops, landmarks, and other fun things. I called them up and told them I wanted the place! They were going to show it again at 1:30pm the next day. Well, fortunately they were understanding and asked me to sleep on it. So I did, called the next morning, and once again said "I WANT IT!"

I should be moving in around the first weekend of November. I couldn't have asked for a more affordable price and a more amazing location. My landlord is Pop and his son helps out as well. Laundry is a Brownstone away. Everything is electric. The bus picks me up two blocks away and drops me off one block from my place at night. I'm in the middle of EVERYTHING Philly so I will never get bored. Ever. I'm beyond excited!

After a weekend home with the family and a whirlwind week where for once in my life "things just happen to fall into place," I couldn't be happier. Enough wallowing, enough complaining. It is time to live the life I dreamed of. I've got a great job. I've got loyal friends and I have an amazing place. What more could I ask for?

Until next time....

A Likely Story

2010-10-04T12:23:00.000-07:00

Picture this. Girl meets boy. Girl likes boy. Girl falls head over heels for boy.

Boy might like girl. Boy clearly likes girl. Wait, does boy like girl?

Girl makes attempt to hang out with boy. Boy can't go. Girl makes attempt to hang out with boy. Boy can go but something comes up. Girl makes attempt to hang out with boy. Boy forgets. Girl makes attempt to hang out with boy. Boy has really good excuse.

Girl is scolded by highly feminist best friend. Girl makes attempt to hang out with boy. Boy has really good excuse.

A likely story, right? On my never ending quest to find Mr. Right...who am I kidding....Mr. Right Now...I've set myself up for a one-sided game. In a sense, I'm basically playing fetch with myself. I'm throwing the ball and waiting...and waiting...and eventually throwing my hands up and retrieving the ball myself. That is, only to throw it out there again.

No America, I am not that desperate. I met a very kindred soul that produced instant
sparks. Now I'm on a quest to capture the heart of that kindred soul. As you can see, I am clearly failing. It is kind fun, the chase I mean. In the eye of the feminist, I should just strap on my apron right now, tighten up my girdle, quit my job and begin practicing domestic living. It is a horror to actually pursue someone so...adamantly and with reckless abandon. Its kind of misogynistic.

It is not called desperation it is called fortitude. Never giving up. I once waited 8 hours in line just to be a foot away from Queen Elizabeth II for a hot second. I waiting in line for the Cage the Elephant Concert for 3.5 hours just so I could be in the front row. I'm good at waiting and I'm good at never giving up. It would be one thing if I kept trying and trying to throw the ball and picking it up where it landed. But honestly, I think I throw the ball and it does get picked up and dropped closer to me. Because each time I go to retrieve it...it doesn't seem as far away as the last time.

Until next time....

A Public Apology

2010-10-01T07:52:00.000-07:00

Dear Friends,

Hey besties, family, friends, aquaintences, stalkers, and even enemies. I would like to apologize to all of you for my absence from your lives. From the bottom of my heart I am truly sorry that I do not call, text, Facebook message, reply to anything or e-mail. I used to pride myself as that person who never loses contact with the people I love...considering I still keep in touch with my first grade teacher. (Granted, I haven't sent any messages her way in awhile either). However, I can now shamefully admit that I'm not that person anymore.

Friendships and relationships take effort on both sides and I have been lacking on my side. I don't have excuses, but it is interesting how life just happens. You go from high school and hanging out everyday during the summer. Then you go into college where you lose daily touch with your high school friends but make new friends in the meantime. After college you have graduation day and suddenly your ripped from your little social circle and you and all your friends become young professionals.

You get your first job, you enter graduate school, you live with nuns for a year while doing a volunteer program or you take a year off to explore the world. Whatever it is, you're forced to make new friends, and try to keep in touch with your old ones. It is hard. Especially when you live far away from all your friends and your day consists of waking up, walking 8 blocks uphill to the bus stop, working for 8.5 hours, coming home, eating dinner, vegging out and going to bed. 5 days a week.

I've become a recluse. It takes enough effort for me to get out of bed each morning and try to do my best at my job (which as much as I complain, I do love). The extra effort it takes to call friends up on the phone or write a little e-mail is beyond what I'm capable of right now. This is sad, because I value my friendships even though I feel like I don't have any right now. I know I do...I just....yeah.

So I'm sorry I only have enough energy to get me through the motions. My life is not my own anyway. I really think that once I have my own place and my own life and my own schedule I'll be able to be social again. I'll call, post pictures of my new apartment, send texts to you when something reminds me of the good times we had and maybe even write letters by hand. Who knows. But until that happens I'm an exhausted caveman, waking up each morning only to count the hours down to when I can go back to sleep again.

I miss you all. I hope we'll re-connect soon. A life without friendships isn't really a life at all.

Love,
Mary Anna

Society Esteem

2010-09-29T06:54:00.000-07:00

The Ancient Greeks considered larger women to be strong and fat was a sign of health and wealth. There is a country in North Africa which considers larger women beautiful. 90% of all nude portraits in the 19th centry contain large cherub women. Wide hips meant a woman was ready for child bearing and "curves" were adored. You are healthy if you have some heft to you.

Well, thank you, America/Western Ideals/21st Century. Today larger women would rather be invisible. Larger women are scorned in today's society. Obesity is the number one cause of preventable death. Healthy Americans encourage fat people to get off our lazy fat ass, put down the McDonalds cheeseburger and work out. Ugly fat can be contained, controlled, and eradicated with hard work and dedication.

I might vomit.

Thanks to today's insane and improbable beauty standards, I will never be considered drop dead georgeous unless I pay someone thousands of dollars to do my make-up each day, go under the knife to slice each slab of fat off of my body, just like we slice meat off a turkey and get fake crowns put on all my teeth so they blind people with their whiteness. Yeah, right.

I just finished reading a book called, "Good in Bed." No, it was not a racey romance novel or a karma sutra book. It was a novel about a young woman, Cannie, who is a journalist and lives in Philadelphia. She is a size 16 and hates every part of her body. The book takes readers into an adventure of self-esteem, self-loathing, unexpected surprises, ignorant ex-boyfriends, depression, and self-acceptance. This book has now made my favorite book list because Cannie was incredibly easy to relate to. She has my dream job - journalism, she lives in my city - Philadelphia, she has a dog and great friends. I love how she says "There are many words that are used to describe me such as genuinene, loving, loyal, funny, honest and hard-working but the only word I can think of myself is fat."

Ditto kiddo, and triple it. Throughout high school I had a decent body. I wasn't a skinny super model and I never looked good in a bikini, however, I was decently slender and had curves in the right places...namely my ass. Of course college happened and my nice little body became morphed into a large oozing mass of too much cafeteria food, late night pizza, and underage beer. The heft around my midsection began to collect and expand. By senior year I was huge. My double chin rolled over the collar of my graduation gown and my full cheeks resembled Santa Clause. Not to mention that I thought I looked good with blonde hair and by graduation my hair was half greasy brown and half over processed blonde. Hot.

Then I lived in a convent for a year where ample food was at my disposal. Every Sunday I was treated to an amazing buffet of home cooked meals. We ate as a community on Weds and Sundays so whatever was cooked...you ate. Every meal was delicious but I doubt every meal was healthy. Of course I went to the doctor who told me I needed to lose weight or else. I found the motivation somewhere and limited sweets, sodas, beer, and fast food. I drank water like a champion and worked out at least 3 days a week. It was hard and I was tired a lot, but the gym was right next door to the convent so I had no excuses not to go over and work out. I lost a total of 20 lbs! I looked great and I felt a lot healthier.

Naturally I fell off the wagon. I discussed this in a previous post. I gained all the weight back and now I'm out of control. I am living with a friend and am subject to her diet. I don't get home from work until close to 7pm and sometimes don't eat dinner until almost 8pm. Our meals are always delicious and normally home cooked but we are big fans of unhealthy as well. For example, last night I got home around 7:40 or something. We went to Wendy's for dinner. I had a Crispy Chicken Sandwhich, Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger, Fries and a Salad. Then we split a Frostee. Mmmm Healthy.

I don't have time to work out. I don't have a venue to work out. I was trying to walk every other night at my favorite park but when I get home close to 8pm, its just not feasible. I really don't think I'm going to be able to reverse the effects of this dramatic weight gain until I have my own apartment and can purchase a gym membership or find a new walking route. I kind of wish I had a dog so I'd be forced to get up early every morning to let him out for a walk!

I have always been a little self conscious (except in high school when I was perfectly happy with my weight despite the fact other people didn't think I was skinny enough). I think the tip of the iceberg wasn't my new doctor prescribing diet and exercise again. I think it was the night I went out with my friend, Sarai. We had a few drinks and didn't have dinner so we went to Lorenzo's a sweet pizza joint that sells giant slices of pizza for $2.50. I was eating one of my two slices of pizza the size of my head when I accidentially knocked into a guy on the sidewalk. (I remember it being kind of crowded). I just bumped his arm but he actually said to me "watch it big girl." I can still hear those scornful words.

Then there was a guy I was kind of talking to at a bus stop for awhile. We swapped numbers and I thought we might actually hang out. That night I thought to myself "Oh my goodness! Maybe he didn't notice that I was fat! Maybe he actually thought I was beautiful and wonderful and amazing!" I let myself think this only to find out that he thought "it would be nice to hold me because I have more body to me." This other girl he was crazy about was "really thin." See, fat chicks don't want a guy who loves her because she is has more body, is fat, bbw, thick or curvey. Fat chicks want a guy who loves her and doesn't notice she is fat. Or if he does notice....he doesn't say anything about her weight.

The night I caused a whole club to clear the dance floor while I danced to "Baby Got Back" was memorable....but I can't help but think that everyone was so impressed by me because of my "courage." Despite my undesirable body size, I still went out and danced. I gave hope to fat people everywhere. I don't want to give hope to anyone....I want someone to see me as a good dancer before they see me as that fat girl who can dance. Just like successful black people want to be known for being smart or successful instead of black and successful or smart and black.

Your parents tell you that you are beautiful, but they have to. They brought you into the world and even if you are an ugly duckling now, they can't throw you back. If I'm so damn beautiful than would someone explain to me why no attractive, normal, single male is interested in me. Why have I been single for going on 6 years now? Even if I was happy with myself, society would beat me down to remind me that I'm not pretty enough for the guys out there. I can't be happy with myself if I'm this huge blob that takes up space.

My best friend up here is 30 years old. Our age difference is rarely realized until we get on the topic of men. My worst fear, I decided, is dying alone....childless...without a husband. My friend thinks that is ludacris because she has come to the realization that some people will walk the planet, never finding their souls counterpart. Granted, she only knows of one or two married couples her age when I know about 75 married/engaged couples. People tell me I need to embrace the single life because it is the only time I have to be by myself and to find out who I am. Believe me, I've spent plenty of time with myself, I'm aware of who I am, who I will become, who I wish I was and who I'm glad I am not. I don't need any more time for self discovery or I'll just destroy myself.

I guess I'm just to young to understand that dying single and alone is not the worst thing that could ever happen to me. I guess I'm too immature to realize that I am beautiful. The average American doesn't give a shit what you look like on the inside. Its all a superficial game of judging books by their covers.

So while "Good in Bed" was empowering, I'm still resting by the poolside of self pity and I'm comfortable here. I don't have the energy to make a change in my lifestyle right now. In a way, I don't even have any control over my life until I can be on my own.

Until next time....

"I'll Be 23" or "No one likes you when you're 23"

2010-08-25T06:51:00.000-07:00

These are two songs about being/becoming 23. Which is what happened yesterday, for me. So I had a birthday and it was awesome. I had to work (my birthday tends to fall on the 1st day of college classes, the 1st day of volunteer work...etc) but it was all good because clients and coworkers wished me happy birthday all day. I had an overwhelming 123 facebook posts for my birthday (admit it, you count too just for fun) and my parents did everything they could to make my birthday a special day short of actually being in PA.

Becoming 23 made me think...alot...about a lot of things. No I'm not questioning the meaning of life or reflecting about how "old" or "young" I am. Rather, I realized how meaningful it is to wish someone happy birthday. I'm making it a personal goal to wish my facebook friends happy birthday on their respective days. I'd usually ignore the birthday list and check my OWN stuff. Well, people from high school, middle school, college, random parties...etc were wishing me happy birthday. I thought, if all of these people can take 30 sec out of their busy day to wish me, someone that many of them have not talked to in some time, happy birthday...why can't I try to make someone else's day by doing the same? So I'm going to work on that. I also decided to thank each person individually on their wall. It took forever, but it was certainly worth it.

I also got an appreciation for the value of life. I'm a member of a Writer's Group in Philadelphia. This morning I awoke to an e-mail to the group from our organizer. Well, one of the members passed away. I had never formally met this individual and only knew them because they were at the last meeting. Death never ceases to amaze me. One day you are here and the next day you are not. I hope this member's family will heal from their loss. This person was working on writing fiction...they were retired and really into writing. May they rest in peace.

So about that novel...yeah...kind of need to get started on it. Because..you never know...

Anyway I'm here at work trying to find motivation anywhere. I've checked under my desk and behind the door and even in my half empty cup of coffee. No motivation to be found. I have to make back to school packets for the clients, do some assessments, organize some protocols and all sorts of fun stuff but I'm tired. I stayed up late watching the Phillies lose in a 16 inning game. Bah, it was horrid.

Here's to being 23!

Until next time...

Betwixt and Between

2010-08-16T07:17:00.000-07:00

So I started working for pay on July 26th. As you must know by now, Project Rainbow hired me as a full time PAID Youth Advocate. My boss jokes and says "she made herself irreplaceable." That was my goal, right? To be honest, work is the only consistent thing in my life right now. With the school year right around the corner, I'm gearing up for launching the tutoring programs again and helping our families get ready for back to school. It is a busy time for me and I love it. So, work is awesome. I've gotten some new responsibilities as well but I'm always looking for that task that makes me feel like superwoman. For example, last week my boss and her assistant went to a meeting. They came back and told me about an essay contest for kids. If they did the contest they could win a gift card for back to school but the entries were basically due back that day. I thought it would be damn near impossible to get the kids to write the little essay, get the parents to sign off on them, and fax them to the agency before the day ended. Sure enough, I did just that and all but one entry was sent before 3pm! (I got this assignment at around 12:30). "She was on a mission," my coworkers said. That I was. I love moments like that.

I'm still getting used to the 8.5 hour days. As a volunteer, I'd work through my lunch break to earn more hours. Now I HAVE to take a lunch break because I don't get paid for that. haha I also have to stay until 5:30pm. It isn't that bad but I find myself staring at the clock from 5pm on, just waiting to be released. Wassup, real world.

As for my life life, well, it doesn't really exist. I'm in a perpetual transition and I'm sort of just rolling with things. I moved out of the convent yesterday and in with a friend from work. Basically, I realized that the convent, amidst its own little transitions, would need some time to form a new community (2 members moving to a new house, 2 members moving in). So I politely excused myself from the whirlwind of change and moved in with said friend. The irony is, I had less than 24 hours to settle in my new habitat before I drove to NJ to house-sit/cat-sit for my friend who is on vacation. I'm staying at her house for a week before returning to the friends house. My commute from Jersey to Philly was a breeze today. Something tells me I'm not going to be so lucky during the rest of the week.

So look at that, I moved out of the convent a little earlier than expected, in with a friend for a hot second, temporarily out to house/cat sit, then I'm moving back in for a month or so. I'm halfway unpacked because, as homey as my new home is, it isn't MY home. It is someone else's home. I'm welcome in it, but its not MINE. So I want nothing more than to drop 2 grand on a apartment and start living my life. However, I don't have 2 grand when I have credit card bills, phone bills and yes, those Godforsaken student loans. I had about $70 for my first paycheck (1 week's pay) after the rest of it went to pay off loans and crap. Sheesh. It makes me wonder if I can really survive out there on my own. I'm having to adjust to new bills and figuring for how much car insurance would cost (an arm, a leg, and your first born child in Philadelphia per month), as well as get my doctors appointments straight (yay health insurance and new doctor) and apartment hunt as well. Talk about multi-tasking. :-/

As you can see, I've been a little bit stressed. It kind of reminds me of my fish. Every time I change his water, he has to readjust to it. I know the temperature and Ph isn't matched exactly. So he has to adjust with each new environment, which changes weekly. So far he's been doing great but I bet all that adjusting takes a lot out of him. And he isn't gracefully put into the clean bowl either. I don't have a fishy net yet so I literally DUMP him from his carrier container into his clean bowl. So he enters the new water HEAD FIRST and then he must adjust. That is EXACTLY how I feel right now. Although I'm getting the hang of this adjustment thing.

Bad news and good news. Bad first--remember my weight loss challenge? Lose weight to look great in that bathing suit by Sept 12th? Yeah..well...the house in NJ has a great high-tech bathroom scale, which, against my better judgement, I got on. I weigh exactly the same amount I weighed ONE YEAR AGO when I realized I had to lose that damn 50lbs to live a healthier life. So I lost about 20lbs, looked great, got too stressed out for my own good, fell off the diet wagon, and gained it all back. So I am literally back where I started one year later. It depresses me beyond words. The good news on this topic is that cat/house sitting friend gave me money to buy groceries. So I'm going to treat myself to some watermelon, cucumbers, lean chicken breast and peaches. I'm going to drink way more water. The other good news is that friend I live with has an elliptical in the basement. The elliptical is making sweet love to my exercise ball. I assure you both will remain dust free. Its like a mini gym 30 seconds from my bedroom. So time to lose weight...AGAIN. I'm starting to get really wigged out by my weight. Last Saturday I accidentally bumped into a guy on the street while eating a big slice of pizza. "Watch it big girl, " he said. That still gets to me.

The other news is just some epic stories. You know me. Two weeks ago I went to the Piazza with my bestie to see Needtobreathe and OK Go play, live, for FREE! Afterwards we went on a drinking tour of the city. No, really, we bar hopped, enjoying over proofed drafts of strong beer and cheap delights. We ended up at my new favorite bar, Jons Bar and Grill on South Street. You can not beat their drink specials. I'm making friends there as well, including a regular, her fiance and the bartender. After indulging in alcoholic goodness, we went to end our night at this nightclub on Market street. I finally looked at the place sober so I know where/what it is. (The first time I went in because I heard hip hop and never knew what the place was called).

So we're in this small club dancing, watching retro rap videos on the screen, jumping to Vanilla Ice and sweating out whatever we consumed over the past five hours. I get some water and "Baby Got Back" came on. Well, these girls on a couch saw me dancing earlier so they get all excited and say "THIS IS YOUR SONG GIRL, GET OUT THERE!" So I'm like, yeah it kind of is, and I give my friend my water. I start dancing and I'm totally in my element when all of the sudden I realize I am the only person on the dance floor. Everyone cleared the floor, formed a circle around me and started cheering me on. At one point a girl got in the middle but she couldn't keep up. So its just me, dancing, like I walked out of a plus size hip hop dance video to "Baby Got Back," which I do got. When I realized it was the MA show, I started dancing better, dropping it like its on fire, getting my eagle on..etc. Yeah, it was awesome.

The song ends and I go back to my seat to find my friend drank all my water. Bitch. haha but it was all good. This really drunk girl comes up to me and says "OMG I LOVE YOU SO EFFING MUCH. YOU ARE MY HERO. YOU ARE THE HOTTEST CHICK IN HERE." Mind you, I am not at a gay bar. So I thank her for her um...kind words. The lights come on, its 2am and time to go. So I'm leaving and all these people are coming up to me and saying how I really know how to throw it down. The DJ pulls me over and gives me a high five. "You know how to party." "you can dance like woah." "You know how to throw down." "Girl, you were on fire out there." "That was amazing." I leave the club and walk down busy Market street only to be greeted by more....can I call them fans? I walk through a high five gauntlet of guys and girls alike. People are calling me out and high fiving me left and right. I am just walking with a huge smile on my face, thanking everyone for the compliments. Meanwhile, my best friend is like "OMG I WISH I HAD A CAMERA. YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN WHAT I SAW. IT WAS SO EPIC. I THOUGHT NOTHING COULD TOP THAT PIZZA I HAD." haha. Step Up 4. what? what?

I would have went there to dance this past Saturday night, but I ended up staying at Jons...which is where I tend to find myself every Saturday night now. Its kind of funny. I have to drive to the subway, take it into the city, walk 5 blocks to South Street, walk 2 blocks on South Street, just to get to my bar. Its not convenient but I love that place. I'm networking with my friend there, the bartenders and my friend's fiance. This weekend I had Cafe Patron, a coffee liquor mixed with Patron tequila (OMG IT WAS SO DELICIOUS). At one point the whole bar did a shot together with the bartenders. The theme of the night was bombs, Jaeger and Irish Car. I learned what a pickle back shot was (1 shot Jameson chased with a shot of pickle juice), and my friend was promoting what she was drinking to the rest of the clients. A fight almost broke out over a seat at the bar. I sucked at darts. I had a guy buy me drinks and it was a jolly good time.

I don't even want to think about how many calories I consumed. Then I had late night McDonalds and returned home at oh....4am.

Typical Saturday. Typical MA. :P

Time for work. Until next time....

Its So Hard to Say Goodbye

2010-07-26T13:31:00.000-07:00

Connie and Stephen left on Saturday and there is this feeling around the house that somebody died. We knew it was coming, we knew they'd be leaving, we knew change was on its way. However, that knowing didn't quite change the impact their absence would have on us. Saturday was a particularly difficult day.

So on Sunday I bought a fish to help fill the void that Connie and Stephen left behind. He is a male Betta and his name is Gilbert.

He keeps me company. I kind of introduced him as a new member of the community. I'm not stupid, a fish will never take the place of Connie or Stephen, but I like that he is a new addition to my life.

Monday was my first day of work. I found out my benefits are super sweet and my first check will come next week. Whoot! My new name tag says "Youth Advocate, Residential Services." I'm so excited to get back to work. I have a feeling that I have a lot of work to catch up on since I've been gone.

The past week has been all about change and transition. Some things work out and some things don't work out and I'm learning that. I've had to make a lot of "adult" decisions as of late some have been easy (waiting to purchase my new laptop instead of buying the first really great deal I see), to some hard decisions. I'm having to get quotes on car insurance, set up health insurance, figure out taxes, and apartment hunt like woah.

Ok real world, lets do this.

Until next time...

The End of an Era

2010-07-22T13:20:00.000-07:00

I find it very fitting that I write this post at the Motherhouse of the Sisters of the Holy Redeemer. About 12 months ago, I was writing a post at this very same computer. I wrote of how excited I was to be here with the Sisters and how I hoped they would accept me into the Redeemer Ministry Corps Program. I was blown away by how "at home" I felt here. I had made friends with the Sisters quickly and easily. As you all know, I was accepted into the RMC program and begin my year long commitment on August 16th, 2009.

It has been a ride.

I lived in a community of four Sisters, one lay-person and two volunteers my own age. I can't even begin to attempt to recapture the many memories I have made throughout this year. I'm sad to say that change and transition is on its way. Connie and Stephen will be headed back to their respective homes on Saturday, this Saturday. Two of my current community members will be moving to a different community and will be replaced by two new members. I start my job this Monday, just three days after the RMC program ends. So I have a lot of adjusting to do.

I'm so happy I decided to do a year of service because I know I've picked up so many tools and gifts along the way that I won't even realize I have them until I'm out in the world. The friendships I've made are lasting. I've found my current niche in social work and am beyond excited about continuing my job at Project Rainbow. I'm finally going to be out on my own in the big city. It is hard for me to believe it.

Goodbyes are inevitable and while this transition process will be slow I feel I will adapt quickly like I always do. I'm like a social chameleon, changing my color when my atmosphere changes.

This year I learned how to be more assertive and to embrace conflict rather than flee from it. I learned how to better manage my time and how to practice effective time management skills. I rediscovered my creativity and really my true sense of self. I built my spiritual life up a bit and had time to figure out who I am, what I want and where God fits in to it all. I know I will be a social worker and a writer and damn good at both. I know I'm a wild and crazy paradox of empathy, spotlight seeking behavior and fortitude. I'm affectionate and enthusiastic like a Labrador, running on all fours with excitement and knocking things down in my path. And I'll always have that child like delight about EVERYTHING from good food to anything related to water.

I'm ready to take on the "real world" so all I can say is, Bring It On!

Until next time....

Ew.

2010-07-11T20:34:00.000-07:00

That my friends, is me at the beginning of June in a bathing suit in Sea Isle City. Why am I posting a horrendous picture of me in a bathing suit? Well, I'm challenging myself. A few months back, when I started the volunteer program, my doctor told me I had to lose weight. I dieted and exercised and lost about 20lbs. It was great and I was in the best shape I've been since high school. Well...there is a diet wagon and I fell off of it. Not only did I fall off the wagon, but it ran over me, broke because of my speed bumps and collapsed. So, I need to rebuild that wagon and get back on it.

It all started about two months ago when I thought "I'm dieting, I can reward myself with a brownie." Every time I "rewarded" myself was a fail. I have an affinity for all things sweet, salty and alcholic. Therefore, I've managed to gain back a very large portion of the weight I lost. My photo was taken during our opening ceremony for the RMC program. My face is huge and chunky. Now I've lost the weight in my face but I think I gained it in other places. The other day I noticed this horrible hunk of flesh dangling from my lower arm. I seriously thought about jumping off a building, holding my arms out like wings because the flesh would help me glide to the ground.

So I'm challenging myself. I'm giving myself 2 months to lose weight. No pound goal, just to look better in that very same bathing suit above. In two months and one day (two months from today will be 9/11 and I really don't want to be taking bathing suit pictures on that day) I will take a picture of myself in this bathing suit an dammit I will look better! I'll post updates along the way. I really need to get back to the gym since I haven't been inside of it for about two months. Blah.

This challenge is not self deprecating. I'm not losing weight to attract guys. This time around it is for me. I'll be living on my own in two months and I need to be in shape. So Sept 12th, look forward to a new bathing suit picture. Hopefully you are not scarred from this one. Ew.

In other news, I've had epic weekend after epic weekend. Last weekend I had a date on Saturday and then on Sunday, the other two stooges and I went to the city to celebrate the 4th. I enjoyed playing in fountains, fire hydrants, meeting random people and drinking random rum and coke, as well as listen to the Roots and Goo Goo Dolls in concert for free. I also salsa danced on the street with a hot guy from Minn. All in all it was a great time! This weekend was the Mercy's farewell party so we spent quality time with them. :)

The volunteer year ends in two weeks. Holy crap. I'm going to Niagara Falls this weekend so that will be a blast. Then we have a week of debriefing and poof! Connie and Stephen are gone and I'm the last one standing. I'm totally psyched about my job, apartment hunting and all of that stuff. However, I am really going to miss this year and all the fun times I've had. I'm sad to see the year come to a close but I know the future is going to be just as epic.

Until next time....

Caught up in the whirlwind

2010-06-25T18:25:00.000-07:00

I think I could write a book about this week. Literally. From start to finish and it could be about 200 pages. ONE WEEK. Sheesh. I told my dad that I feel like I've been swirling around in a hurricane and I have finally been spit out. Fear not friends, it has been a pretty happy hurricane...but a hurricane none the less.

At the beginning of the week, I dropped my phone in a pool which was awful because it is my lifeline. (Don't we all say that about our phones). Its own life was uncertain for a time but it was miraculously resurrected after drying in a bowl of uncooked rice. I had very little sleep on Monday night, thus bringing me to a very tiring Tuesday. Of course this would be the day I get my new office mate and apply for my job with Project Rainbow and lead prayer with Connie and Stephen for all the American, visiting German and visiting Tanzanian Sisters. I don't know how I survived Tuesday...but somehow I did. My new office mate is incredible, our prayer moved the Sisters which was great and I have never been so happy to shower and crawl into bed in my entire life.

On Wednesday night my phone regained life! I actually said if God fixed my phone I'd go to confession. Well..that's what I did Thursday.

Thursday was also the day in which I "interviewed" for my position at Rainbow and by interview I mean "here is your benefits, here is your salary, you start July 26th, congratulations!" So I have finally been granted gainful employment (And yes, I went to confession and Mass that day just to say some extra Thank Yous to the Good Lord above.) It was also the day I was planning my bestie at work's suprise birthday office gifts. I was trying to get up early, cook bacon (she loves bacon) and get to work where the maintainance man would help me break into her office and leave cooked bacon, brownies, a photo frame, a card and some other stuff on her desk and then decorate her door with "Happy Birthday Baconator!" Well...I woke up at 8:30am, the time I was supposed to be decorating her door/breaking into her office. So I got to work at 9:15am...and tried to surprise her. I failed even though I got the exclaimation point on the door before I heard her coming down the hall. Oh well. She loved the surprise. Get this, I wanted to take her out for pizza for lunch but no, SHE took ME out to a nice Mexican place for lunch to celebrate me getting the job. Additionally she told me her birthday present was getting to work with me for another year (and more)! I have great friends! I ended my glorious Thursday by watching some trashy Jersey Shore.

Friday morning I got up and went to get all my FBI/child abuse checks for my new job. As I was driving to work which is near the place I had to get fingerprinted at...I rearended the guy infront of me. So yes, I got in a fender bender the day after find out I got my job. Welcome to my life. Fortunatly everyone was ok, my car was fine and his car was only suffering minor damages. I think the thing I am most proud of is the fact I was able to remain calm. Usually I flip out and shake and cry over the smallest mistake, but I was able to be cool and calm throughout this one. Thank God. (again) I still feel like a dumbass though.

So here I am, Friday night, with a job and a working phone and a pretty undamaged car. I'm supposed to go out with the guy of my dreams tomorrow but I fear he will not call tonight (he said he would). Honestly I couldn't ask for anything more at this point. I'm alive and my future is pretty stable. The rest can wait!

Until next time...

A Walking Trashy Romance Novel

2010-06-12T19:25:00.000-07:00

Hello America! I have been nicknamed a "hurricane of excitement" and told I should try to get my own reality television show or write my crazy escapades in the form of a book for all to enjoy. I truly believe my adventures are quite ordinary compared to the rest of the world's happenings. However, the trouble I manage to get into tends to bring about laughter, smiles, and shaking of the head. In light of these affirmations...I now I want tattoo of a hurricane and am contemplating a book idea. My first meeting with the Philadelphia Writers Group is in July and I need some works to showcase. haha As for the reality tv idea....well...that isn't going to happen. I think people lose respect for reality tv stars and I need to hold onto all the respect I have left.

Where to start...well...lets see...last weekend I was at Sea Isle for the "end of the year" retreat for my volunteer program. It is so hard to believe that this year is rapidly coming to a close. I feel like it was just yesterday when I was counting down to my interview. The retreat was a wonderful experience. I spent all my free time in the Atlantic Ocean...as a Shore Baby typically does. I boogie boarded like crazy, catching some serious waves. Of course "sophisticated" bikini clad bitches and tanned guidos looked at me like I was 5 years old. Sadly they don't realize there is more to the beach than walking up and down it hoping someone looks at them. As for the retreat part, I suppose I left with two revelations. Both were common sense but you have to truly hear something from inside of yourself in order to believe it. The first was 'be yourself.' That is, if people can't accept you for who you are at that moment then they are not worth your time. Yes, people have told me this my whole life, however, this weekend the message was magnified and resounded inside my head. I hope it lasts. The second revelation was also common sense but it was basically confirming that I need to write. By need to write, I need to seriously commit to a project, write, and attempt to be published. My life's journey involves writing and in order to start living, I need to write! I hope that makes sense. So I'm trying to figure out what or who God wants me to write about. It is a tricky decision. Overall the weekend was great with plenty of time to reflect, pray, relax, and just have candid fun with Connie, Stephen and our director, Maryellen.

The week was crazy though. Holy crap.

Some point during my retreat weekend I heard a voice in my head that said "soon you will be dealing with more guys than you can handle." I didn't believe it until sure enough a guy from one of the Internet dating sites I'm on texted me Sunday morning and asked me out for dinner! I was stoked. So Tuesday night I had dinner with this guy in Philly. The dinner part went great. Then he took me behind the airport to this spot where you can watch the planes fly right over your head as they prepare to land. It was really neat. However, as luck would have it, this guy became way too forward in an inappropriate manner. I'm not a prude by any means, but he almost offended me. I really didn't think we had a lot in common anyway. I wasn't feeling it. So, figuring I might not see this guy again, I reached into the trunk of my car. He said "what are you doing? Getting your gun?" I laughed and said "Nope, I'm getting my anti-biotics." Which I totally was. How is that for being forward? haha It was the least I could do.

So I let that fizzle but in the mean time I happen to get a text from a friend that works at a restaurant by my work. This was a guy I was casually talking to about two weeks ago. He kind of dropped off the face of the earth but now he is back. It is nothing serious, we're just talking about random stuff. Then another Internet guy seemed interested in me but in fact he keeps wanting to know if I wear a bikini...anywhere. This isn't a turn off for me, the poor guy just wants to know. He is probably being flirtatious. However, I'm ashamed to admit I don't wear a bikini, ever, for the fear that I might scare small children. Therefore, I have to admit that I am indeed gaining weight again. I'm not sure how much but it is enough to make me realize I am slowly sabotaging all the hard work I did during the beginning/middle of the year. Now I'm just gaining the weight back to the point I could look just as fat as I did during my opening ceremony picture. This thought literally disgusts me. I wish I could just purge my lard and be good to go. Granted, I need to find time to work out and be diligent about it again. Also, limiting the sweets...and sadly...the beer. This was a year of self improvement and I'm not about to lose everything I worked so hard for at the end of it!

So why the raunchy blog title? Well, I feel like I'm a walking, living, breathing romance novel with drama and excitement. The Sisters have demonstrated their usual compassion and have interest in my crazy love life. This has made the drama and the ups and downs even more enjoyable. However, I fear it has now come to a close. The guy I'm crazy about isn't really a factor anymore. I think his life is too complicated and it can't handle me. It as in his life, not him. I've written off my Internet dates. The guy from the store is just a friend who texts/calls me at random. So it kind of was a hurricane of boys for a week. The after effects are ever so present. I had to work today, but after work I was overcome by exhaustion. I literally passed out and slept for 3 hours. I wanted to get up and swim but I couldn't even open my little eyelids. I'm STILL tired even though I slept. So I think all the excitement finally got to me. I'm crashing just as the crazy love life comes to an end. It is sad to let all the attention, fun, expectation go...but for now I need to focus on ME because clearly I have been neglecting my health.

In other news, I had the best day ever yesterday. We had our employee recognition party at work for the whole staff. I helped decorate. We had a "Rockin the Rainbow 1960s" theme. It was so much fun. I wore a flowing pink skirt and a blue tie dyed shirt with a purple ribbon around my head. Several co-workers commented that I looked like I had rolled out of that era. "Are you sure you weren't born during that era?" Um, yes. haha MA-Circa 1987 We had amazing food and dancing and fun all around. I laughed so much! Then we gave awards to everyone and I received the "Collaboration" award. The best part was when we raffled off 5 pairs of Phillies tickets and I scored a pair! I was so excited. I said "I am going on a date!" To which our director said into the microphone "I hope it isn't with the guy from the other night." Which sparked a lovely chorus of "oooooooooooooooooooo" among the staff. It was classic.

After work I went to the mall to look for this shirt I was interested in only to find that it didn't fit quite that well. I left the mall, changed into my swim suit and went to the Provincialiate to swim for an hour. It was beautiful. The weather was cool but not cold, the water was nice and clear, the sun was shining behind some clouds and the bells from the chapel were playing a pretty song. I was so at peace in that water, just like how I was on retreat. It felt great. I had an amazing day.

Today was just so so. I woke up and went to Rainbow to work a special event from 1-3. Got home and crashed. Woke up and ate. I'm hoping I'll get to get in the pool tomorrow but if it thunderstorms all day I might have to settle for a nice run in the rain or something. We'll see.

Until next time....

5:38am

2010-05-31T02:38:00.000-07:00

Woah...the sun rose. When did that happen???

It's almost 5am and I'm wide awake

2010-05-31T01:48:00.001-07:00

I awoke around 3am only to discover that my cartilage earring had somehow escaped from my ear. Part of me was actually concerned that the hole might close and part of me just wanted to go back to sleep. Needless to say my concern kept me awake, led me to a morning bathroom break, and eventually lead me to said earring. I remember after my shower yesterday I felt something fall and hit my foot. I didn't think anything of it until I started searching for my earring at 3am. Sure enough that is what hit my foot and I found it at the threshold of my bedroom door. So I popped it back into my ear without the struggle I was expecting. Those holes close fast! Then I crawled back into bed with the hopes of drifting peacefully back to sleep.

Fail.

I have my window closed because yesterday I woke up with a dry throat and I felt sinus pressure all day. I figured it was in my best interest to sweat a little bit rather than come down with a nasty cold the week before our "end of the year" retreat for RMC at Sea Isle. Yes, I have air conditioning but I don't want to freeze to death or dry up the air that way either. So my throat feels better and my headache (I've been getting a headache each night) is gone but I find that I am a hot mess, wide awake and now it is 5am.

So this weekend didn't go as planned but I won't say it was horrible either. I thought with the men prospects in my life I'd have a hot date Friday night. That did not happen. So as I was getting ready for my bestie/beach trip with David I got a text cancelling that too. Turns out it was threatening rain all day on Saturday so the beach was a no go. That was highly disappointing since it did not rain at all. Perhaps if we went we would have faced downpours. I've been in a relatively bad mood the past few days so this did not make matters any better. On Saturday I was trying to muster up some positive thoughts and go out and face the world with a smile. Of course, the elderly Sister in my community trapped me into taking her all over greater Abington for errands. Now I really don't mind helping her out but I was just about to finally get off my ass and go to the park for awhile when she came in and asked me ever so nicely to take her to this medical supply store for stockings and then to this restaurant where she has a gift certificate to "just to look at the restaurant." See, she has this thing where she can't stand having gift cards on her person. She's been hounding me about this gift card where you need to spend $50 and then you get $25 off. The whole ordeal is quite complicated, no fault of her own. So she wanted to just go and ask questions (most of which I already answered) and get a menu to take back to the community.

We get to the medical supply place and I am beyond grumpy. They are closed, of course. So then we go to the restaurant and she asks the waitress questions which I already answered. Then she decides she wants to get lunch there. This was her plan all along, to blackmail me into eating out. I really didn't mind but I could have withstood not eating high calorie BBQ. I refused to order until she said "I'll have what you're having," thus forcing me to order something. The whole gesture was really nice of her and the food was amazing. However, that is not what I had planned on doing on my fell to shit Saturday. So we ordered all this food and took it back to the community. I enjoyed lunch with her because I really do enjoy her company. I just wish she hadn't blind-sided me to take her out. Its funny because first she asked her brother to take her, then she called in sick to work and told her brother she didn't feel like it, and then she asked me to take her. haha

So after lunch it was too late to go to the park so I decided to spend money. I went and got my eyebrows waxed and my hair cut. Got some tights from Target and red nail polish. Went to a few more stores and picked up cute shoes at Conway. By then it was almost time to book it to church because I had planned on going out Saturday night and didn't want to get up on Sunday. So I made it to church with 5 min to spare and enjoyed Mass at Mary Mother of the Redeemer. I couldn't concentrate on the mass because the girl in front of me was crying throughout the whole thing. At first she went to the restroom and her mom asked dad if she should go with her. I was sitting thinking 'your daughter looks like she is a teenager, I'm sure she can pee by herself.' When the girl came back her mom gave her this worried look. Then at some point mom put her arm around the girl and dad held her hand. The girl started crying softly and did so for the whole mass. Additionally a girl several pews back on the other side was crying too. At first I thought it was a kid but then I realized it was a 9 or 10 year old girl. So I have no clue why these girls were so upset but I hope everything works out for them. Maybe some passed away from there school or something. I don't know but it was kind of heartbreaking.

After mass I came home, eager to go out into the city for dancing and drinks. I had invited Connie to come along and figured if she didn't want to go I wouldn't go either. Well, she bailed of course and I just wanted to sulk for the rest of the night. I didn't, however, and instead watched "Dear John" with Connie and the Sisters. It isn't that I mind staying in, because I don't. But I haven't gone out in awhile and my epic epic weekend lost its epicness with each day. The movie was good and afterwards I did laundry, ate half a box of Cheese Its and had a beer. It was classic white trash.

On Sunday I had two events to attend. Fortunately the world didn't blow up so I was actually able to go to these. I woke up feeling the first signs of a bad cold. I decided to make myself feel less of a fat ass I'd go to the park first. So I did. When I came back I showered and got ready for my first BBQ. I of course got lost and arrived an hour later than planned. It was nice and there was a lot of food. My coworker was hosting it so some of my other coworkers were there along with her family. Fun fact - at some point during the BBQ her nephew gave me his number and told me to call him sometime but not to tell her. I was amused because for 1) I wouldn't go behind her back like that because she is like a mother to me and 2) all the men in my life have somehow disappeared at the same time so it was nice to know I still have game.

I left that BBQ at 5 or so after numerous hugs from one of my very drunk but one of my very favorite co-workers. I missed the turn to my dinner event and wasted about 15 minutes back tracking trying to get to my destination. I got there at about 6pm right as dinner was being served. I had a nice time and left around 9 something.

I have off today and if I'm conscience at 10:30am when my alarm was set to go off, I'll go to Memorial Day Mass and lunch. At this rate I for see me being awake until then anyway. I'm not prone to insomnia but this must be what it feels like. And like I said before, I've been getting headaches every night for the past few days. I don't know what is up but I hope it is just allergies and sinus pressure.

Also like I said before, the men in my life have disappeared. I mean literally evaporated. At one point I was getting texts, e-mails and calls up the wazoo and now....nothing. Its like God is making me go cold turkey or something. I do now realize that love will not come when you're looking for it. Just as a watched pot never boils. Perhaps the reason why I've been single for oh, 5 years is because I've spent that time searching desperately for love. I think I'm at that point where I've almost got everything I need. I'm looking for housing, I might have a job, I am moving to a new city (well year old but still new to me), my faith life is somewhat in check, so naturally all I need is a guy, right? haha People either shake their heads at my insane desire to be loved or play along with my dramatic stories. Either way, neither is fulfilling. :( If one more person says to me "you have your whole life ahead of you." I might scream. I think Bridget Jones sums it up well in her diary when she says something along the lines of "a whole weekend ahead with no one to love and no dates to look forward to." Its so funny because Jones is so whiny about not having a man throughout the whole book. I see myself in that. Then I shudder in fear because she is 30 something and still single. There is nothing wrong with that but that is something I do not want to face...going to smugly married people's parties, having people question where I'm going to get kids from since my expiration date is rapidly approaching (if I was 30), etc. It makes me relieved that I am only 22!

So I guess that is it. It is almost 5:30 and I am still very awake. I might put some music on and try to sleep to that. I figured since I had the time I mine as well update the world on my not so epic but not so horrible weekend.

To our deceased veterans: Thank you for giving up your tomorrow so that I may have one.

Until next time....

Where in the World is MA?

2010-05-24T13:43:00.000-07:00

Philadelphia, still. I promise. Life has been crazy and busy. I think I say that in at least every post. Backtracking a little bit I'll try to hit the highlights.

On the 7th we had an event at my work. I was put in charge of a classroom to help the kids and visitors make Mother's Day crafts together. I will admit that I was terrified at first. These are the kids I normally teach once a week but I had no clue if they would listen to me. The event went on without a hitch and the kids really showed some respect to me and to the visitors. I was impressed and others were very impressed with me.

My mom came up to visit me May 14th - 17th. It was awesome. See, a lot of my friends are really busy and can't come up to see me. I was getting kind of lonesome since Connie and Stephen have people visit them and they go visit others all the time. So my mom decided to come up to stay with me. We went to see my Aunt Pat and several of my cousins on Saturday. The weekend flew by but I had a great time. :)

I spent the past few weeks catching up on developmental assessments for the children who have moved in recently. It was a crazy busy time.

On the 20th my work had another big event which I truly felt a part of. It was a cocktail gathering at an art gallery. I had designed the flier to promote the event. I also led tours of our facility before the big cocktail gala. I'm getting used to giving tours but I had a pretty big crew so I was a little nervous. As I began my tour, my face got really red and I started sweating and my mouth instantly dried up. But as I got going, I felt more comfortable and was able to lead a quality tour. I received several wonderful compliments from the attendees. Our Provincial told me that I was truly amazing and that I gave an incredible tour. She is a very nice person in general but when you receive a compliment from her, she really means it. I tried not to let my ego grow but it was kind of hard. It was yet another occasion where I was able to witness the value of myself and my efforts in my facility and within the health system. It was one of those moments where I realized that I was incredible small in the grand scheme of things but people were beginning and continuing to notice me. Big people, powerful people. It makes me want to continue to work hard and put in all the love and passion I have to be successful at my job.

This past weekend I saw a middle school rendition of Beauty and the Beast. It was a trip down memory lane to my old theatre days. I really enjoyed the production since I haven't seen a play since college. On Saturday night I went with Connie and Stephen to play cards with the Sisters. On Sunday I worked yet another event...the Sisters' Pancake Breakfast. I sold over 3,000 instant win games throughout the event. I found this sign, advertising the chances 4 for $1. So I took out my hair ribbon and tied it to the sign and wore the sign around the dining rooms, screaming "Nevada chances, 4 for $1 can win up to $50." It was a successful event overall but once again I was able to see how my efforts helped to make it so. I had one little old lady who threw her losing chances at me in a joking manner. I don't think she realized the connection I had with the Sisters until I did the 2nd reading at Mass. As she's coming up in the Communion line, she pats me on the shoulder and says "peace be with you." I couldn't help but smile. I figured people that were already at the breakfast made the connection and thought "that's the Nevada chance girl...isn't it?" Yes, I promote gambling in a convent and then read the word of God. That sums up my life perfectly.

Now I'm facing another work week. Still no word on any official job interviews. I'm just hoping I can apply for something soon. Some certainty would be great right about now. I'm still looking at apartments in the area and coming to the slow and painful realization that I can't move anywhere until the end of August or mid-September anyway. Bah.

I lost the "Biggest Loser" challenge by a lot...Throughout the stress of the huge video project, Spring Break groups, and family issues...I overate and lazily avoided the gym. I've mustered up some motivation to keep at it and try to get back in shape. I've been consistent for about 5 days. Let's hope it keeps up. I lost a few pounds over the weekend with all of my running around and my 2 hour work out on Saturday. I'd like to keep that losing up!

So that is about it. Nothing to exciting to report besides my past adventures. I'm still searching for Prince Charming or Prince Right Now. I'm sort of talking to this guy I met at a restaurant he works in. (I met him in August and have consistently visited his restaurant just to see him). I'll provide a life update on that when I have more time. I've got Spiritual Direction tonight and have to get ready for tomorrow.

Until next time....

One last thing: I swear my grandmother is out on the ice with the Philadelphia Flyers. :) If they win tonight, we go to the Stanley Cup Finals. The first time in 13 years!!! Mom Mom has the best seats this year.

Censorship

2010-04-18T06:31:00.000-07:00

Greetings America! After a brief hiatus I am back on the blog. Multiple issues have prevented me from writing as of late. The primary one is work...I have been swamped with assessments, classes, meetings, conventions and this special video project I'm working on encapsulating the entire history of my workplace through interviews and photos. (Through it, I even get to interview top executives such as one of the key leaders of the entire health system and two members of our board.) I have loved every minute of the craziness but it has also been stressful. My days have consisted of work, dinner, shower, sleep. I've been hitting the hay at about 10pm and sleeping soundly until 7:45am, sometimes even waking up during REM sleep. I've been plagued with random, vivid, and sometimes scary dreams. So basically I've been too busy to write.

The second reason of my hiatus is because it seems as if I had fallen into the black hole of censorship. Apparently whenever I write a post, I have to sit and think "will this offend anybody? how do my words impact others in a negative way? should I be saying this?" Instead of writing what is on my heart, which, is what good writers do. I am not one to write serious tasteless and offensive content. So I've spent the past two weeks wanting to write but wondering what neutral topic I can write about without any apparent backlash. If you are wondering, I'm actually referring to some controversy around the posts about my grandmother and her passing. In all circumstances regarding that situation, I have no regrets. Also, my last post, the young mother post received excellent comments. :) All in all I've managed to bash the ever persisting awareness that every word I write is being judged in some way.

Life has been busy but fruitful. I've been accomplishing a lot of things at work. Currently there are only four original families from my early days in August still residing there. The rest have found housing. So we have a lot of new families right now. There has been some good news breezing by the rumor mill: more talk about hiring me. There is nothing official really, but there is more of an effort to hire me as full time staff. Basically more talk and more encouragement. :) Always a good thing. So I have the potential to possibly become a permanent fixture in Philadelphia. I've been listening to the song "I Made It" by Kevin Rudolf on repeat. Basically I'm loving the line "I look up to the sky and now the world is mine." and "I used to dream about the life I'm living now. I know theres no doubt. I made it."

These words really speak to me because if by some miracle of God I proved myself to be indispensable, which was my goal in September, I will have truly made it. I remember when I was a little girl riding up to Philly to either go to a Phillies game or visit relatives. I was always captivated by the skyline. One time, while attending a game with my Aunt, Uncle and two cousins, we had seats which were right in front of the skyline. So when the game paused I could just look straight ahead and see the tall brightly lit buildings. I never had a strong desire to live in Philadelphia. By never having a strong desire I mean I never wanted to live here. I always wanted to live in a big city like Chicago or New York. Then when I was trying to put my life together before graduation, I realized that Philadelphia wasn't that far away from Virginia. Actually, it is. haha But it isn't as far as the other places.

I figured I would do a year of service here and then use that experience to find a job elsewhere. Then the unexpected happened. I fell in love with my job, the kids I work with and yes, Philadelphia. Suddenly I can't see myself living anywhere else. I have new friends at work and in the Philly area. I love the culture and even the dirtiness of it. I love the music, the art, the people and everything the city has to offer. I feel bad that I judged Philadelphia by its cover as a great place to visit but never a great place to live. Please don't think I am naive. I know that there is tons of crime, that it ranks in the top 20 dangerous cities in America, that people are shot, robbed, and raped daily...but you can find that in small suburban towns too.

My biggest concerns is how I will set up my new life after the volunteer program ends. The new journey will begin, which is great, but I have no resources. By resources I mean I'll be broke, homeless to some extent, car-less, and have a lot of great material possessions that need to go somewhere. How does one start a life with no money? I guess I'll be finding out. Don't get me wrong, I'm pretty sure I'll have plenty of support from the Sisters, co-workers and people who have gone through the same thing. But I like to know I have security. I have to be able to do more than just hope it all works out.

In lieu of new beginnings, I have come to the decision that I want to also pursue further education. I swore up, down, and sideways that I would never be a social worker. I always pictured social workers as those people who bust into dirty homes and take kids away from parents and put them into foster care. No, those are social workers for Department of Human Services. I'm technically a social worker now, I'm just called a Youth Advocate. Therefore, I plan to get my Masters of Social Work as a part time student. It would take about 2.5 years if I started classes this January. But where will you go to school? I'm looking into a variety of places but my soul is set on Temple University. The campus is actually within walking distance to my work (but no, I don't plan walking to night classes). So it is a shot in the dark and it depends on a lot of factors. The Utopian future world of mine involves me living in the city in a cheap but relatively nice apartment, being employed full time at my current service site, and attending Temple University part time as an MSW student. We'll see if the Utopian world can become a reality.

So all this planning, dreaming and scheming is great but it also makes me realize that my service year is rapidly coming to a close. It ends in mid-July but it is already mid-April and I feel like Easter Sunday was yesterday. Now I'm trying to take careful steps to make sure that I milk up all the fun, resources, and community moments now before it is too late. I'm trying to appreciate the present now more than ever because I realize my life will never be like this again. I'm pretty sure I will never live in a convent again, or have a community of Sisters to hang out with all the time, or live in a sweet house where almost everything is paid for, or have moments of spiritual reflection in a group setting or any of that. Live in the present is the motto for now.

In other news, I hung out with my friend David from W&M today. He took me to Columbia, NJ where they have a HUGE Farmers Market. You need to go if you're ever up north. This place has everything you could ever need from fresh food to shoes to knock off sunglasses to wall hangings. They even have air rifles, tools, DVDs and t-shirts. My biggest find of the day was a green Phillies Irish t-shirt with Victorino 8 on the back. I think I've found my new favorite shirt. Ever. In the history of all of my shirts. It was a good time and I spent more money than I should have. :P It was really fun catching up with David since I haven't seen him since graduation. It is nice to know I have a W&M connection so close because I find myself missing W&M all the damn time.

Tonight I'm going out with the community to the Trolley Stop, a restaurant in Philly. 15% of the proceeds go to my work. :) All in all it has been a great weekend!

Until next time...

The Young Mother

2010-03-26T14:59:00.000-07:00

First let me extinguish your current suspicions. I am not pregnant. :) This post is sociology related.

A certain situation has happened to me not once but twice. It is thought provoking, amusing and in a way kind of sad. I was talking with a young mother today and somehow the topic of birthdays came up with her kids. I told them I would be 23 years old this year. The mother, whose age I can not recall, said to me "do you have any kids?" "No," I responded. She responded with something like "Oh, you don't want any?" To which I wanted to reply "No, I do want kids but I really want a stable job and a husband before I have kids." Of course I did not say this because I would never blame or offend someone for their life choices.

This same thing happened to me a few months ago. Again, the mother assumed I didn't want kids because I was 23 and didn't have any. If anything, working with children has made me want to have kids even more so than before! I totally want to raise kids and have my own family. The very thought of it excites me. Yet the thought of a promising career as a social worker and a writer excites me too. I want to establish myself in my field and find a great husband before the kids enter the world.

So it kind of depresses me that a lot of these mothers think it is normal to have their first child at 15, 16 and 17 and have four or five kids by the time they are my age. In their eyes, I'm not interested in having kids since I'm 23 and single and childless. This doesn't offend me in the least but just sparks some thought provoking sociological ponderings.

I'm making different choices than they are.

Until next time...

I Promise I'm Alive

2010-03-10T11:57:00.000-08:00

Ok so I haven't updated in a little under a month. I apologize for that. Valentine's Day came and went and so did February. You really don't realize how quickly that 28 day month goes by until you are out of school. In school, the days just mesh together. Out of school, you're like holy crap its March already. When did that happen?

I sort of mulled through Feb. The Cage the Elephant concert I went to was amazing. The lead singer crowd surfed and pretty much fell on top of me. So did the hot drummer from the first band, Morning Teleportation. I was first in line and front and center. It was a wonderful concert. Afterwards I scored the set list and Matt, the lead signed it. Then I got hot drummer to sign my ticket and take a picture with me. I made a few friends from Delaware Valley College in line while waiting for the concert. The security men kept telling everyone "the line forms behind HER." haha It was so worth it. After the concert Connie and Stephen drove all the way out to South Street to rescue me. I was equipped with a slice of Lorenzo's pizza the size of my head and my new bottle of water from the Mini Mart. We went to Dunken Doughnuts where we ordered a chocolate doughnut, a box of 25 jelly munchkins and a cream puff. What we got was a box of almost 40 munchkins, a chocolate doughnut and 3 glazed doughnuts. We weren't charged extra. It was a very kitchen sink kind of deal but it was also hilarious.

That was February, or at least all I remember about it. Now it is March. I got sick in the beginning of the month and had to take another sick day from work. Blah. The sad thing is that I am still pretty congested. Michigan State University are staying in Huntingdon Valley at the mother house for this week. It is there spring break. They are doing their service at my work which is cool. I've been so busy I haven't had the chance to interact with them all. The funny thing is that I'm supposed to be busy with the same stuff they are. Tonight we're going to a nursing home to play Senior Olympics. I enjoy having extra opportunities for service and reflection but it has killed my schedule. I won't see the gym all this week or next week. Somehow work has picked up significantly too. So I'm sort of just trying to survive each day right now. They're good days, just long, busy and eventful.

I don't have big plans anytime soon for anything. I'm staying up here for Easter. I even volunteered to read at Passion Sunday. Last weekend I went out to South Street with Connie and Stephen and Jr. We went to the Tattooed Mom, officially my favorite bar in Philly. Then we went to Lorenzo's. After that we went to Cuba Libre, a latin dance club. Unfortunately Jr was not allowed in because he was wearing sneakers. So Connie, Stephen and I went in just to use their restroom. Well sure enough I get picked up in the bathroom line and a guy asks me to dance. I hadn't been in the club more than 3 minutes. So after I did my business I danced with him. He was a nice guy but I later found out he was 37. A little to old for me....

Weight loss is still happening. I gained a quarter pound since last week. (I'm in the Biggest Loser Challenge at work so I get weighed each week). I really need to work on that because I want to win this contest. As for my spiritual life, well, things are getting better. I went to my first spiritual direction appointment on Monday night. It went well and I have lots of stuff to ponder. Not bad stuff though.

Other than that nothing is going on. Just trying to survive, make plans for post July and enjoy each day.

Until next time...

I Survived Valentine's Day (with a smile on my face)

2010-02-15T07:14:00.000-08:00

While watching the movie, Valentine's Day, starring tons of celebrities, I thought I saw myself as one of the characters. There is one character played by Jessica Biel. She is a work-a-holic who literally lives in her office. (She has a futon and an exercise ball and a treadmill). She is closest to her Blackberry. She throws an Anti-Valentine's Day party every year at an Indian restaurant. As sad and pathetic as that is, I kind of saw my future looking like that. I could totally live in my office. If I ever get an Iphone or Blackberry I will probably be addicted to it. I own an exercise ball, all I need is a treadmill. haha

Despite these negative feelings I decided to "love hard and love fully regardless of my relationship status." (Which is stone cold single). I went to Mass, visited the Sisters in the Infirmary to wish them a Happy Valentine's Day, ate lunch and cheesecake, went home and facebook messaged all my friends, wishing them a happy Valentine's Day and telling them how much I loved them. I went out and bought presents for people (birthday, Valentine's Day...etc). I got cornered by one of those shiny nail people at the mall. I almost bought a St. Patrick's Day flask but decided against it. I talked to some of my best friends on the phone for long periods of time. I then went home, sorted through my belongings, and ate dinner with the community.

I topped the night off by going to Hollywood Tavern, a bar down the street from where I live, by myself. I thought it was fitting, being so happy, upbeat and positive during Valentine's Day to go to a bar alone. So I did. It was awesome. The bartender introduced me to the locals and before you know it I had made three friends (who were two to three times my age but whatever). One of the guys said to me, "Hey Mary Anna...you've found your 'Cheers' bar!" He was right. The atmosphere was so friendly that I have to go back and hang with my new friends. I had a Valentine named Steve who likes to fist bump and Johnny who prefers to "potato" (one fist on top of the other). I left laughing at myself for going to the bar alone. I had two Rolling Rocks because I wanted to switch up on this 'special' ordinary day. Usually I'm a Miller/Miller Lite girl.

I came home, showered, and crawled into bed. This was after I read a few pages from my LOVE book. (A small and fun book that has love stories, poems and quotes). I also gave Connie and Stephen IPOD shaped Valentine's made out of Sweetheart boxes and Reeses Mini Cups.

I was sappy. I was happy. I was not bitter or resentful. I loved hard and loved fully. I might still be single but at least my positive attitude got me through the hard day. Yes, I wanted to be an idiot and tell the guy I like how I feel but I chose not to. I rememberd all the times that did not work to my advantage (all of them) and kept my mouth shut. What will be will be. I plan to love hard and love fully everyday, regardless of the holiday. It is really the only way to live.

Until next time...

The Tornado Inside of Me

2010-02-12T11:07:00.000-08:00

First let me start this post by saying "no, I am not depressed right now and my life has not fallen to shit." I'm serious. Life is decent and I'm in an ok mood right now. The dark and scary tornado picture is sort of what is going on inside of me right now. Or at least inside of my head. As you can see, the tornado doesn't actually touch ground. It kind of just hovers above the Earth.

So why the dramatic photo? Well, I'm all mixed up inside. I'm plagued by nostalgia which makes me miss certain people and certain places. I feel like I'm on the brink of some sort of creative outpouring. This brinkish feeling is easy to describe. I feel like I'm about to burst with some great writing or creative idea to make the world a better place. I'm going to EXPLODE with thoughts, passions, love, hate, life what have you. The only problem is that I also feel like a stopped up drain or a geyser that can't burst. Brink or no brink, I find I can't explode with expression. Something is blocking that explosion and I have no idea what it is.

In addition to the feeling of needed to burst with creative expression I feel tired. Yes, despite being on edge I also feel weary. I know I need to recharge and re-evaluate certain aspects of my life. I'm always creating "new beginnings" for myself. This is when I feel I'm back on track and start living my life in a positive way. Right now I'm in a rut. I do not have the energy or motivation to get the daily mundane tasks done. I haven't been to the gym in a week and a half (this is due in part to the snow). I think I'm eating healthy but I'm not sure. I made a list of things I had accomplished so far this year and a list of things I need to accomplish. So, in theory, i should be working on accomplishing those things, right? Nope. I would rather rest, do mindless tasks, listen to music and be nostalgic and stopped up.

I suppose I'm out of sorts. Singles Awareness Day is coming up and I'm bound to be bitter. However, I know that no one I live with wants to put up with me feeling sorry for myself because I don't have a Valentine. So I know I have to strive to not let Vday bother me. I have to continue to think what other people want to hear and censor my thoughts/feelings that they don't want to hear. Does that make sense? I don't think so either.

So I'm sort of unsettled but I'm not sad or depressed. I'm just in tumult. I'm lacking energy and the key that unlocks that door of creative outburst. For all I know, it could be pent up emotions that need to explode in the form of laughter that makes your stomach hurt or tears that give you a headache. Maybe there is nothing creative about the blockage at all.

Cryptic yes. However I found this exercise helpful.

Until next time....

Snow, Stomach Viruses and Seeking Future Employment

2010-02-09T08:23:00.000-08:00

Snow: Holy crap we have a lot of snow. Philadelphia got 28 inches! AND we're about to get hit by two storm systems which are converging into ONE. It is SNOWAGEDDON for real. The streets are decent but they are not as good as they could be. We're expected to get another foot or so dumped on us. I was talking to a guy on the bus yesterday and he said this is the most snow Philadelphia has seen since the mid 90s. Yeah..it kind of figures that we get a large amount of snow the year I move here. I don't mind, really. It is just funny because on my orientation day at work I asked my boss how I was to get to work when it snowed. I asked her this on a 90 degree summer day in August....Snow was on my mind even back then. So bottom line, we have tons of snow and we're getting more and more and more of it. Perfect storm snow style.

Stomach Viruses: There was/is a deathly plague infecting Philadelphia residents and those of surrounding areas. At least this is what I heard. I had some stomach issues last week but I didn't think much of it. Then Thursday night came where I had stabbing, crippling pain in my side. I thought I was going to be paying a trip to the hospital. (The whole time I thought "I will not go to the hospital without my sweatpants!) Anyway, turns out it wasn't a life threatening illness or infection. It just felt that way. I was cursed with the evil stomach virus from hell. My system was washed out completely. I lost 5lbs in the process. I was out of commission all weekend and even took off work on Friday. I am pleased to report that I can now digest solid food that is not bananas, rice, apples or toast. And I'm 5lbs lighter. Whoot! Sadly some of my co-workers were slammed by the virus too.

Seeking Future Employment: Hahahaha. I know I always say I'm going to focus on the present and not worry about the future but I'm compulsive when it comes to the future. I'm still seeking future employment. I continue to look at apartment complexes which I can afford, figure out the cost of living in Philly suburbs, and try to conceive a life plan. I'm kind of jealous that a journalism job has opened in Maryland which I am qualified for. I may be veering off the journalism path but I am still sticking to writing. I have decided I am going to commit myself to writing a book. I'm not sure what book yet. I want to write a book on stories of the homeless but after a nice debate with my dad I started to question my original intentions. He thinks I should start the autobiography I've been bragging about writing someday. His twist was "Never a Dull Moment: The First 23 years." True, if I were to write my autobiography it would have to be in volumes. However, how do I convince a publisher to publish a book about my life? I'm interesting, but am I interesting enough for the general public to give a crap about me? My dad also suggested I use my flare for drama to explore fiction writing. Thing is, I never finish what I start and I question my talent when it comes to fiction. Oh, I was talking about future employment. Yes, the life goal is to write/publish books. However I am a realist and I know that I can't eat and live on that alone. So I'm exploring local social work opportunities. I love what I do now but will I love it in another setting? Could I feasibly survive in Philly?

I had always dreamed of being the metropolitan business woman at the bar with a martini. I'd have some swanky apartment that overlooked the city and I'd own a Boxer dog. I'd have great girlfriends, I'd love my job, I'd have a continued opportunity to advance my career and my life would pretty much mirror the metropolitan woman books I've read my whole life.

However, I threw those dreams away when I decided to seek something MORE. I could have been a cop in Williamsburg. I could have eventually landed a journalism gig. While yes, law enforcement isn't a selfish profession...I wanted to do it to advance to the FBI. Journalism is a selfish profession. After reflection I wanted a career that served others, that would allow me to find God in my work, that wasn't totally selfish and that had a small impact in our big big world. So I work for free and I live with nuns and I have no clue what to do when July comes. How do you change the world though writing? It has been done but I can't figure out how to do it myself. So I could change the world through social work and write on the side. But how do I do that?

I want to be a writer, a mother, a social worker and a world changer. Ever since I was little I have felt compelled to break though the ordinary to become extraordinary. However this extraordinary endeavors can't be for my own gain. It must be done for humanity.

So I sit here on the brink of creativity, feeling like a butterfly about to bust out of my cocoon. Yet I have nowhere to fly yet and no concrete goals. :) There is more hashing out and obsessing to do!

Until next time....

Oh Happy Day

2010-02-02T06:46:00.000-08:00

To the quick observer, it would appear that I go through extreme highs and extreme lows on a regular basis. This may or may not be true. I refuse to investigate the observation further. Needless to say, this week (so far) is a high. It isn't an extreme high, but it is high enough. Today is a happy day.

First of all, Puxatony Phil saw his shadow. This isn't the best news in the world. Six more weeks of winter kind of makes me want to cry. That is because I'm such a summer baby. I'm literally wearing open toe high heels today IN THE DEAD OF WINTER. I'm doing this because I can pretend it is summer in my mind AND because black does not go with navy blue. My skirt is navy blue and all my closed toed shoes are black. Therefore, I'm minimizing the blackness of my shoes by wearing strappy heels (that are comfortable) just not practical for the weather.

Today I'm headed to St. Joe's University to meet the volunteers for the service learning project. Basically students from SJU get credit for doing a service project for a semester. I went last time with my partner in crime, but she is out on medical leave now so its just me. I hope I don't screw it up. Talk about the opportunity to be a young professional. I also have to network with local providers so I can make connections regarding supplies. (Last time I scored a bunch of school supplies).

After this meet and greet I have to teach my emotions class. We're still working on teamwork and team building. This week I'm making them draw for partners and then in teams of two build a bridge with the materials I provide for them. The catch is that each team gets a bag of different materials. The lesson is sometimes you have to work with what you have and with someone you wouldn't necessarily choose to work with. My kids are kids but hopefully they understand the lesson. The materials are pipe cleaners, cups, cardboard, straws, paper clips, foil and other various odds and ends. I'm excited to see what they come up with (pending them getting into the activity).

I'm cooking for the community on Weds. We're having pancakes both chocolate chip and plain, scrambled eggs and sausage. For our activity we're doing a sort of show and tell. Everyone is picking two items that mean a lot to them and they will share with the community the special-ness of each item. Even though we've lived together for over 4 months, we still don't know each other as well as we'd like to think. Hopefully it goes well.

So it is looking like a good week. Singles Awareness Day (Valentine's Day) is coming up. Fortunately it is on a Sunday so I shouldn't be too bitter. Although I am tempted to wear black and watch "My Bloody Valentine." haha

This past weekend was a lot of fun. Friday night I went out with Stephen to his friend's house party. His Jr. roommate from Notre Dame just moved back to Philly. So he had this sweet party. Fun fact: Stephen and I went to the WRONG party first. We heard a party next door to the house we were supposed to go to. Some people shouted from a car that we should go to 142, that is where the party is at. So we listened to them.

We opened the door and was greeted by at least 60 or 70 already drunk high schoolers and college freshman. They were clearly younger than us. Everyone was wearing white t-shirts because it was a highlighter party. Stephen and I walked from one end of the house to the other and up the stairs and back down. We could find no sign of his friend. So I asked a few drunk people if they knew where Tony was. Yeah...no one had a clue. That was when Stephen and I realized we crashed the wrong party. So we left, went next door, and was greeted by Tony's brother. This house was much nicer. They had two big screen tvs in the living room and a table that looked like a counter at the liquor store. The atmosphere was chill and we had a good time. At one point I was promoting a drink I invented called the "Starburst." It has lemonade, sprite, sour apple pucker and strawberry rum in it. A few people asked me to make it for them. I remember proclaiming I was a bartender in training.

Saturday night we went to the Mother house and played cards with some of the Sisters. That was a lot of fun and a good way to spend a Saturday night. Sunday I cleaned my room from top to bottom, did my community cleaning duties, and then went shopping for a bit. I scored a $5 dress, and two $7 shirts. Got to love Marshalls.

In my next post, I'll elaborate on a situation that happened to me yesterday. It was...interesting. So for now, life is good. I'm getting back to the normal swing of things. The only hard part is I keep wanting to call my grandmother and then I realize I can't. I think this will go on for quite some time. I have been wearing the jewelry she left me. I guess she is always with me. :)

Until next time....

I Will Survive

2010-01-27T12:22:00.000-08:00

Remember that expectation that I should perform top notch work at ministry? Well, I may be the only one who is holding myself to that expectation but this week has been insane. Most of my fellow staff is out sick so we're short staffed. Missing two and a half days of work was like missing two weeks. I can't seem to keep my tutors straight in our programs because there is so many tutors! Homework club was cancelled on Monday and Tuesday because the students had a half day at school. I don't have the master list of all the tutors. No one does...so I have volunteers making half hour trips to help out only to find they have no one to tutor and nothing to do. It makes me look unprofessional and it wastes the volunteers' time. I can't do anything about it because I can't get the master list. I'm going to have to have a running list at the club and get the tutors' info that way.

I'm single handedly planning and preparing for our Star Student Awards Party. All the kids that earned perfect attendance or honor roll are going to get a certificate and a special prize. I've been getting gift bags together, making fliers and invitations, trying to get a hold of my tutors whose information I have and make certificates for each of the award winners. It is a lot of work. This is one of those lessons in delegation. I'm supposed to delegate tasks to my co-partner in this event but instead I'm doing everything myself. I don't mind doing all the work but it is Wednesday and I'm almost at burn out point. That is when I start getting passive aggressive.

This week has been full of stomachaches, fatigue, lack of sleep, and headaches. Also I think I'm gaining a little bit of weight which freaks me out because I have been on such a roll. I really just need to sleep for a week straight and then I should be ready to go.

I do have some exciting news in spite of another debbie downer post. I bought tickets to see Cage the Elephant perform at Theatre of the Live Arts in Feb. I'm stoked! The tickets were really cheap and its general admission. Connie and Stephen are probably going to go too. We make time to do fun RMC activities together. For example, we went ice skating in December and this month we watched Harry Potter 6 together. Well, next month it is Cage the Elephant concert! (We do hang out more than once a month...this is just planned hanging out). I'm the only person who knows and loves CtE, but I think it will be an awesome time for all involved. Whenever I hear their songs I think "I want to see them in concert some day." Then at work the radio announced they were coming to Philly. I bought my ticket within 48 hours.

So there is the ray of sunshine amidst the storm. I'm just a bit stressed right now. I enjoy being busy but I don't like being on edge. I will survive...even if it is only Weds.

Until next time....

Baby Steps

2010-01-24T13:59:00.000-08:00

Ok, I admit that the last post was beyond depressing. Unfortunately, I wrote exactly how I felt that day. I'm pleased to report that I was productive on Saturday. I tried to stick to my weekend routine. I actually dragged my butt to the gym for a solid hour and a half. I showered, cleaned my room, and ran errands. That evening, the Mercy Volunteer Corps came over and we played some games. It was fun and I'm glad they came. Originally, before I went out for my errands, I didn't want to do anything Saturday night except write and sleep.

I have these mini-rituals regarding my Mom Mom. I'm not ready to remove her picture from my facebook profile yet. I am not ready to wear the jewelry she left for me. I don't eat the peppermints that are in this small flowerpot with our pictures on it. I wear the charm bracelet she gave me in in 2004 everyday. The items I have from her house rest in a pile on my floor. I look at them often, even show them to my community, but I don't move them from the pile. Today at mass I think I endured the last round of "I'm so sorry for your loss." I appreciate every sentiment of sympathy from everyone but I will admit it hurts to hear those words.

This week is another full and busy week at work. I'll be expected to perform top notch work and I'll do my best to do so. The work occupies my mind so hopefully it will be to my advantage. This week is full of meetings and programs.

In other news I've had horrible stomach cramping all day. I have no idea what the pain is. Perhaps I have caught some sort of stomach bug or something. I don't know. I'm going to let it run its course unless it gets really painful. Then I'll seek medical attention. Honestly, I don't have the money for more medication right now. I have to wait for the stipend to come in at the beginning of Feb.

So I'll take baby steps to normalcy. Life is not over for us, it has merely changed. Mom Mom isn't physically present but rather present everywhere all the time. Here's to charging through this week with spirit and strength.

Until next time....

Get Back Up When Life Knocks You Down

2010-01-22T20:37:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was my Mom Mom's funeral. To be honest, the last funeral I went to of someone who I was very close to was my grandfather 16 years ago. I saw family I hadn't seen in 16 years. I hugged people who I apparently have a blood relationship with. I tried to be strong and be positive in the most utter sadness. I read the first and second reading at her mass. I carried up the gifts. I delivered a small speech at the cemetery and my voice didn't crack once. Sure, the breakdowns were intermittent throughout these moments of strength. As the tears streamed down my face my mother asked, through her own tears, what was wrong. Nothing was wrong...I missed my Mom Mom that's all. Her departure from me was the best of circumstances. My last words to her were I love you. The last time I saw her she was waving goodbye at her front door as my mom and I drove away. She died peacefully, painlessly and with family by her side. Her funeral was sad but beautiful. We had a state police escort for the funeral procession and there was a bagpipe player at the cemetery. When I got home I felt tired and numb, a standard set of emotions for a person who has experienced such a loss.

Today I found out that one of my favorite patients in the Sister's infirmary has been on hospice. This was news to me. I also found out that she was on her deathbed. I was supposed to write her a letter and we'd correspond back and forth because we shared a love for writing. I never got around to writing that letter to her. I stood by her bed and apologized for that. I told her I loved her even though I didn't know her for very long. Her niece invited me to help her open birthday presents for my friend. It was a nice moment to share. She is expected to pass within the next 48 hours.

Today I also found out that I will owe over $100 a month for my student loans which are deferred through Americorps. I don't have to pay the interest, but it will be tacked on to the grand total of money I owe for the loans. That totals to an additional $600 I will have to pay back because I chose to volunteer for a year. This news made me angry and I was a bit snappy on the phone with my mother, a courageous woman who buried her own mother yesterday. I called two hours later to make amends.

Some other stuff came up and I had to call my mom again to talk it out with her. Stephen came in to remind me that community prayer was going on. I told him I wouldn't be there and made some stupid excuse. I was on the phone with my mom and the oven was preheating so I could eat pizza for dinner. He left my room, clearly disappointed that I wasn't praying with the community. Honestly, I'm in a rough spiritual spot. I am not in a place where I can pray in community with others. I need to just rebuild my spiritual life myself. Unfortunately after prayer I learned that one of my community members picked a special reading out with me in mind. The prayer was slightly focused on me and my loss. I wasn't there. I could sense disappointment in the room. At that moment I felt so incredibly ungrateful. Here my community is constantly keeping me in their prayers and trying to comfort me the best they can. The least I could do is attend community prayer and just allow their gesture of comfort and healing wash over me. But now, I was too wrapped up in myself again. Just as I was too wrapped up in myself that I forgot to write my infirmary friend a letter. Just as I was too wrapped up in the little things that I didn't exhaust every possible option with my lending institution to prevent $100 interest charges from accruing.

Now I'm sort of an unraveled mess. I picture my life as this situation: I'm in the ocean, enjoying it to the fullest on a warm summer day. Suddenly a giant wave knocks me down and sucks me under the surface. As I'm tossed and turned by the angry ocean, all I can do is wait to be spit out and resurface again. When this finally happens, I see the shore and I'm determined to swim back to it. As I start to paddle and position myself so the waves will carry me in, another wave knocks me down and sucks me under. This keeps happening until I wonder if I should continue trying to swim back to the shore or just let the waves keep sucking me under. No this scenario is not about death, but rather my fear to carry on with life. I am actually scared to try to enjoy life again. Things were almost perfect before my grandmother passed away. Life is full of ups and downs, I get that, but I figure that as soon as I establish a sort of happy normal state, another wave will knock me down and hold me under. They say death comes in threes and I'm just wondering who is next. What financial difficulty will I have to face? What horrible thing will happen to me, my family or my friends? This is an irrational and horrible attitude to have but I can't help it.

Another thing I worry about is the grief process itself. What if I still feel this way in a week? Will people get tired of me and tell me to get over it? I don't need excess attention or anything but if I'm still in a rut I hope people understand and don't think I'm milking it. When should I start to live a normal life again? When is it safe to try to make my way back to the shore?

I suppose I should pray for strength. The last thing I prayed for was humility and instead I got this. Part of me thinks I'm going crazy with my irrational fears. Another part of me thinks I'm fine and this is just the way I process death and unhappy times. Then I look at these two parts and wonder why I'm not sure about either. After that assessment, I get angry at God and ask Him why he puts people on Earth just to take them away from you. I mean look at Haiti, of all the countries to get hit with a natural disaster, the poorest and most needy country almost gets destroyed. What is the point of that? I'm not angry with God now but we're not speaking. I'm fine, I swear, I can probably convince the world that but the first person I have to convince is myself.

Until next time....

Mom Mom, May You Rest in Peace

2010-01-20T09:16:00.000-08:00

On January 16th, early into the nightfall, my grandmother, Mom Mom, passed away. Even though I had been preparing myself for the inevitable, the news still ran shock waves through my heart. I cried so much that I almost threw up. Then I felt numb.

Today is January 20th, the day before her funeral. I'm scheduled to catch a ride down to South Jersey to spend the night with my Mom, Dad, and dog...in my grandmother's house. The funeral is at 11 and internment is in Philadelphia. My family is going to drop me off at the house after internment since I live about 15 minutes away from the cemetery. I'll give them a tour of my living space, we'll eat, and then they will depart back to South Jersey to tend to some affairs.

I understand she is in a better place. I understand she is with her husband who passed 16 years ago. I understand she is free of pain. I am grateful for everything she has given me and all the memories we have had together. My Mom Mom was an incredible woman. I will miss her everyday we are apart but I know she is continually watching over me.

Until next time...

A Black Speck on Perfection

2010-01-15T11:08:00.000-08:00

Life has been wonderful lately. I was selected at the Employee of the Month for November (found out yesterday during our quarterly staff meeting). Work has been great. I've been very busy everyday which keeps the days going by. I can actually feel the productivity and I've gotten positive feedback from the residents regarding the programs I have implemented for their kids. I've lost close to 23lbs which is a record in my life. I feel healthier, I look healthier and I guess you could say I have a bit of cocky self confidence in my appearance and abilities. My community feels closer than it ever has been before. My prayer life is on the mend. Life has been great.

But you know when life is great and you almost feel like you are on an invincible high? When you know that the feeling won't last forever and something horrible will come and knock you down off your pedestal. That is how I had been feeling but I pushed it aside and basked in the glow of my happiness.

Then it happened. I was knocked down. Hard.

I am a kaleidoscope of emotions today. Currently my grandmother is lying in her bed, refusing medication and medical help. She is bitter, depressed, and honestly just wants to pass on to the next life. This is the most heartbreaking feeling in the world for me. My grandmother, Mom Mom, is 87 years old. That is a remarkable feat in itself. She is a fortress and I honestly can't believe she wants to give up and go. She has fight left in her but she is refusing to channel it.

My grandmother is alive today, and may very well be alive for the next few days but all I can do is wait and pray. Pray for what, I asked my mother. "What is best for Mom Mom," she replied. I always prayed that when it was her time she would die peacefully and painlessly in her sleep. Well, that might be the case for her but it is the rest of us that have to watch in pain. I refuse to call her because she is not herself. I do not want my last memory of my grandmother to be her distant, bitter voice. That is not the Mom Mom I know.

There is a certain helplessness that weighs upon me. The hard part is that this is so sudden. On January 10th she turned 87 and her demeanor was positive and happy. Now she doesn't care about life or anything. But she is a fortress and I want my family to exhaust all possible conversations to make sure that this is what my grandmother wants. She has to want to let go with all of her soul before I can let her go. But I can't do anything about it except go about my day, remember the good times, and wait for that phone call that is going to break my heart in half.

This situation is a black speck on perfection. My life is great and I still feel the shadow of my happiness. I can still feel a tingle of joy and pride from my accomplishments. Perhaps I should be grateful for this shadow because it slightly numbs the sadness and hopelessness I feel regarding my grandmother. Perhaps my streak of joy was supposed to happen to balance out my streak of despair.

I know what is going to happen. I can't possibly prepare myself for it. I don't want to prepare myself for it. It makes me question which visitation from death is better...the sudden shock of it or the long drawn out waiting for arrival. I don't know.

Please keep my family in your thoughts and prayers. I will be at Sea Isle City this weekend with my community for our annual weekend adventure. I am trying to focus on the good times I will have tonight and this weekend because my grandmother would not want it any other way. She'd "pop me one" if she knew how much this situation was troubling me. Thanks.

Until next time...

It is a Brand New Year!

2010-01-08T11:36:00.000-08:00

Happy New Year to all! It is a brand new year and that means a lot of different things to a lot of different people. Some people decide to reinvent themselves and change things in their life to make it better. Other people don't care and just start life on Jan 1st like they did on Dec 31st. It all depends on the person.

I have one resolution and that is to learn to Latin dance this year. Salsa and tango and hustle. I think that would be a lot of fun. Other than that, its just a new year.

The holidays were great with my family. I'll be honest, I came back to PA with an extreme bout of homesickness and real sickness. I was coughing every five minutes and sometimes couldn't stop. Additionally I really enjoyed being with my mom and dad and my dog that I missed them terribly. I came to the realization that the rest of my life is going to be full of visits, hellos and goodbyes. It is always going to be like that! Originally that depressed me but now I've sort of accepted it. That's life.

After a few days I got back into the swing of RMC life. I went back to the gym, continued dieting, went back to work and readjusted to the life I had before I went home for the holidays. By day two at the gym, I had injured my wrist somehow. I was using this arm rotator machine and my hand slipped off the handle and slammed into the middle console. Ouch. I had to leave the gym early because it hurt so badly. It has been bugging me off and on.

New Years was awesome. I went to the Sisters' party for a little bit and ate some delicious food. Then I went out with the Mercy Volunteer Corps to the Tattooed Mom, a bar on South Street in Philly. We had a grand time of merriment, champagne, and camaraderie. I got at least four free drinks from various guys that night and a delayed New Years kiss from a stranger. We were talking and he said, "I just want to kiss you right now." So in super diva New Years fashion I looked at him, smirked and said, "then do it." I love living on the edge. :P

On New Years Day I went to see the Mummers Parade on Broad Street. That was awesome. I took tons of pictures which you can find on Facebook. I really enjoyed my time with the Mercys and was so glad I got the opportunity to watch the Mummers Parade live. I was hugged by drunk Mummers and got my picture taken with a really nice older Mummer and his float. I got to see the end of the Comics, all of the Fancies and the first two String Bands. The bands didn't perform because they were waiting to be judged at City Hall. By the time I got home from my adventures I got to watch the String Bands perform on TV.

The New Year at work has been a blur. I modified one of my tutoring programs to a more concrete structure and I've been busy with various odds and ends. The past few days have been going by so quickly since I've been busy. Overall work has been great.

As for health, I finally got medicines for my cough. I've got antibiotics and a codeine based cough syrup. I love the cough stuff because it helps me sleep at night. The only downfall is that I'm pretty sedated and drowsy for the next day. I'm only going to take it one more night since my cough is just about gone anyway.

For the weekend I'm probably going to Catholic Underground on Saturday night and just relaxing and working out. Next weekend I'll be in Sea Isle City with our community. That is bound to be a blast.

So far 2010 is great and life is good. Until next time....

Have a Holly Jolly Christmas

2009-12-25T11:35:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas to all! Today is Christmas day, a day that I feel like I've been waiting for, for quite some time. It isn't because I was excited about presents or that Christmas is my favorite holiday. (I enjoy it but it isn't...the 4th of July is my favorite holiday haha). I think it has something to do with attending Advent prayer every Sunday night for the past four weeks. There is a heavy focus on "waiting." Waiting for the birth of Christ, waiting to spend some quality time with my family, waiting for a break from work.

Christmas was nice. While my mother kept apologizing for "lack of presents," I worked hard to make sure my family had a great Christmas present wise. "It isn't much dear, I'm sorry," my mother said. I really didn't mind. All I wanted for Christmas was Greys Anatomy Season 5 and I got it. I also got a beautiful dress, some clothes, a nice blanket made for my college graduation, a photo album and a pillow. I am thankful for everything ! Christmas isn't about presents anyway. I'll be sure to reinforce that mindset when my friends call me, bragging about their new Wiis, Iphones, cameras and Blackberries.

Even though I only get $100 a month and am in credit card debt up to my eyeballs, I bought my parents each a DVD, my mom a bottle of Irish Cream and a WWII book. I used the rest of my birthday gift card to get my grandmother a Philadelphia Book (Philadelphia Then and Now) which she loved. No gift could ever bring me as much joy as watching my grandmother immerse herself in that Philadelphia book, recollecting all her fond Philadelphia memories. I finally got her something she will enjoy and cherish.

This Christmas season was reinforced with Advent prayer. I got to enjoy a beautiful December snow. I got to help decorate our house and participate in what felt like multiple Christmases.

The true meaning of the season is God, friends, family and joy.

Spirit of Christmas

2009-12-17T13:33:00.000-08:00

I think my four Christmas seasons at College came and went due to finals. Christmas was a blur, a single day to enjoy gifts, God and seafood. (My family has a traditional seafood Christmas dinner). This Christmas is different. While, I really don't think I got into Advent as much as my peers and the Sisters did, I did feel that certain warmth and joy that comes with the season.

Exhibit 1: I've never ever for as long as I can remember, gotten my grandmother something on my own. My family will get her a sweatshirt or a picture frame or a movie each Christmas. It isn't because I don't care, or don't love her. No, it is because she is 86 and she doesn't need/want anything. This year I originally got her a book on WWII, but then my mother had told me she wanted that book. My mother NEVER asks for anything for Christmas. I have no clue what to get her...ever. So I was stunned that she spoke up with interest in the book. I decided to give her the book and find something else for my grandmother. I went to Barnes and Noble and sure enough I found the PERFECT gift. "Philadelphia Then and Now." A book with pictures of Old Philly and present day Philly. I knew she would love this book with all its landmarks of her past. This is something she would read, enjoy and possibly cherish. I decided to use the other half of my Barnes and Noble gift card from my birthday to help pay for the present. The thing is, I didn't even think twice about it. "Christmas is about not being selfish" I thought to myself as I happily handed the remainder of my birthday present over to the cashier. I was too happy to get something my mother wanted AND something my grandmother would actually love.

Exhibit 2: I've been privileged to witness people being kind to others. One day I was in Dollar Tree and the woman in the checkout line behind me was crying. A man gently asked her if she was ok. She said "No...I'm sorry....I just recently lost my mother and this Christmas music is really screwing me up." As it turns out, the cashier lost her mother 10 years ago and she still felt like it was yesterday. AND the man had lost his mother 5 years ago. My friend and I couldn't express empathy but instead, expressed sympathy. My friend said "People who tell you that everything is going to be ok are full of shit." To which the woman started laughing. Then she began to cry some more and said "I'm sorry, this is so embarrassing. Now I'm crying because you all are being so nice to me." She left the store but not after all of us wished her a Happy Holidays. It really was one of those moments you watch in the movies.

Exhibit 3: At work I helped set up a Holiday Door Decorating Contest for the residents. I had seven participants and I asked three Sisters to be the judges. A winner on each floor would win a new watch. The contest was a huge success. Winners were chosen and the Sisters decided they would donate $10 for each contestant who did not win a prize. So everyone won! It was such a touching day. In fact, one of the winning doors had a letter to Santa. The first thing the letter asked for was "A house for Mommy..." Yes, the entire staff got chills. It was the sweetest, most innocent thing ever. I was pleased how everything turned out.

Today I also was given a gift card from a co-worker which is great because I'm broke. AND, another co-worker gave me her prized nativity with the instructions "when you look at this think of me." I wasn't expecting anything, not even the wonderful Christmas cards I've received so far this year.

The generosity is almost abundant. A few days ago I had to unexpectedly work a 12 hour day. I didn't have money for food and I was kind of worried about getting hungry. Another co-worker gave me $10 so I could get something for dinner. There really is something truly magical about the season.

I have also witnessed a 23 year old guy come to a holiday party for our residents, volunteer, and play Santa for the little kids. My friend Sarai bought me a Phillies Santa hat for all the nice things I do for her and with her. Strangers just seem happier and more friendly this time of year.

So in the spirit of Christmas I share this good news with you.

Until next time...

Let's take a look back,shall we?

2009-12-14T07:50:00.000-08:00

It has been almost four months since I began my adventures with Redeemer Ministry Corps. I endured with joy the honeymoon stage where everything seemed in perfect harmony. Then I fell into reality where life wasn't perfect all of the time but it wasn't bad either. My body had to adjust to waking up early (for me) five days a week and working 8-12 hours a day.

In 3.5 almost 4 months I have changed a lot. The biggest change is physical, for I am now happy to report to the world that I have lost a total of 20lbs. It is starting to really show on the outside. This rapid weight loss is due to working out three days a week and trying to eat somewhat healthy or healthier than I have been in the past. My hair is a lot longer and is almost half light brown and half blond for my roots continue to grow each day.

I think I have grown in flexibility and adaptability. My position at Project Rainbow did not exist until I became a full time volunteer here. Now I'm not sure this facility could operate as well as it does without this position. Notice I say position, not me. In 3.5 to 4 months I now have two fully functioning tutoring programs that the kids really look forward to going to. I have created a fully functioning library that the moms love to visit and check out books and games for their families. I have been given other responsibilities such as setting up and facilitating the monthly birthday parties for the residents. I'm getting better at teaching my social and emotional class for my school aged kids. I've been on top of completing my assessments for kids 5 and under. I think I've gotten the swing of things. I can give you a tour of our facility and sound like I've worked here for over 20 years. :) Looking back, it feels as if I literally fell into this ministry site and was fortunate enough to make all the right choices (for the most part).

I can honestly say that I've prayed more in the past 3.5 to 4 months than I have in the past four years. I'm still working on that aspect of my life even though I have abundant resources to help me out.

I find that going without certain things/people allows you to appreciate them more. Therefore I really miss my family and I am stoked to go home for Christmas! I miss William and Mary more than ever. We lost our semi final game against Villanova the other day. Yesterday was Gaudete Sunday. I kind of felt a little homesick for Williamsburg since CCM puts on a beautiful Gaudete mass. I was lucky enough to go to Mary Mother of the Redeemer for mass yesterday. (I think I've mentioned it before but it is a church 30 min away that I really enjoy).

Our community really feels like a family. Sister Alphonse (who I affectionately call Alphie) is my drink/snack buddy. She was also my baseball buddy during the Phillies post season. Sister Kathy Rose is my tv show buddy, we watch Greys Anatomy and House together. Whenever I need a little sunshine I can go to Sister Barbara. She always has the best stories and she is a really good cook too. Speaking of good cooks, Joan has been baking a lot of Christmas cookies lately! I go to Joan when I need a laugh and also when I have something deep and personal I want to share. I connect to Sister Katharina on a deep level too.

Connie and Stephen and I have made an active effort to build our own community. We went ice skating at Penn's Landing on Saturday night. We had a great time even though I was never meant to be on ice. I clung to the wall most of the evening. At one point three Navy guys tried to help me out but I think I was beyond help. Last night Connie and I watched White Christmas. I love that movie since it reminds me of home. My family watches it every Christmas. :)

This weekend (Saturday night actually) Stephen and I also went to a JVC party. We got to meet a lot of the JVC volunteers from the East Coast. I'm glad we got the opportunity to network with more individuals our age. It was a blast and I'm pretty sure we got back home in the wee hours of the morning.

Personally I'm working on my listening skills. I want to talk less and listen more. There is a certain value to conversation. It is a two or four or even seven way street. I need to continually remind myself that it is not a one way street. :)

It has only been 3.5 to 4 months and look how far I've come. There is still much to be explored. Much to be experienced. Much more to be developed and improved within and about myself, my ministry and my life. At times I get frustrated and down on myself because I'm naturally hard on myself but then I get these breaks when I remember all the things I've already overcome. I can't even imagine what the remainder of the volunteer year has in store for me!

Until next time...

Mirror Mirror on the Wall....

2009-12-10T09:00:00.000-08:00

...what does my future hold, if anything at all?

-corny I know. (and to think I call myself a writer).

Tomorrow I'll be headed to a meeting at the School District of Philadelphia to learn more about the resources we have to improve homeless children's' education. Part of me is like, woah, I've got another meeting at the School District of Philadelphia, I'm a grown up! The other part of me is like woah, the School District of Philadelphia headquarters is right next to the Philadelphia Inquirer building.

What am I going to do as I pass the Inquirer to go to my meeting?

Stare at it. For approx. 15 seconds and sigh.

I really don't understand the point of living in the present. I know it has something to do with realizing what you've got and not what you can attain. The one thing I struggle with the most in this program is figuring out what to do after it. I'm not in a rush to get out of here. If anything, I wish I could sign up for an additional year. I don't really trust anyone to do my job next year as a Youth Advocate yet sources tell me this facility relies on interns and unpaid volunteers to run. Therefore I'll surely be replaced. After all, this non-profit does not have the money to hire me after my work for free year is over.

So I'm trying to prepare myself for what is next. The fun part is, I have no idea! Part of me wants to slink back to journalism and write my ass off while sucking up to corporate America. The good, wholesome, do-gooder part of me wants to find a job that serves people and makes changes for good OR another volunteer position that pays more and allows me to serve people and do good. Journalism and social work are two very different fields. Journalism is kind of a self-gratifying career. Its almost selfish. You write for your readers but your name is highlighted in bold on the byline. Social work is a work for nothing but change lives kind of career. You get paid crap, you put up with crap, you realize that you can't help everyone but you do get an opportunity to change a life or two. How many people can say journalism changed their life?

When I get out of this program I need something that pays enough for me to knock out my bills, live on my own and pay for insurance on my car/self/life. I know I won't be a minute made millionaire but I'd like to not live below the poverty line. Ideally, I've said this before, I'd like to stay in Philly. There is a lot of opportunity here and I really love the area.

Its funny. People tell you that you don't have to have one career your whole life. They say you can write, serve, sing and invest. When you're in my position you have to make all the right moves. I can try to work for another non-profit but that's to get money to get on my feet. If I want to make money to oh, I don't know, buy a dog or a new car, I need to seek a promotion. Promotions come with advanced education. So what would I go back to school for? That is where it gets difficult. I don't even have money to go back to school. If I did, what would I study? I only get one chance until I make enough money to go and study something else for a new career. So it is a one shot kind of thing. If I go to school for social work I could be a case worker, counselor, youth advocate or program director. If I go to school for marketing I could be a marketing professional designing advertisements and stuff. If I just get an MBA I can work in college administration as an admissions advisor or some sort of high up job in college. If I go to school for journalism, I could possibly get hired by a big newspaper such as the Inquirer. The possibilities are endless and that's not always a good thing.

Much like a chess game, I have to plan my first step and hope its the right one. Yet everyone gets on me for constantly thinking about the future. "Make the most of the present!" Ok, but I worry I'll still be clueless in a year and I'll be working for McDonald's with non English speaking individuals. What am I qualified for? How can I make the most impact on the world?

My dream job would involve me being a journalist for a travel magazine. I'd get paid to travel the world and write about it. I'd settle for covering stories about murder, drugs, and political scandals for Philadelphia though.

While I'm at work I sometimes stop and think about the present moment. "Woah, I'm at MY desk. Woah, this is MY workplace. Woah, I have to lead a meeting today or assess a family tomorrow." I realize that this is the real world and I have a lot of responsibility for someone who just graduated college and I LOVE IT.

I suppose every 20 something goes though this phase in life. That is, unless you're in law school, business school or some other graduate school. Then you know what you want to do. I don't think I'm cut out for law school but I am toying with the idea of going to business school. I can't help but feel limited by the unlimited.

All in all work has been fine, its picking up because of the holidays. Community is fine, half my house is sick and I think I've just caught the bug myself. Spiritual life is shaky as usual. Love life is non-existent. I am doing just fine but yes, I miss my family and all my friends very much. I'll be home for Christmas the 23rd-29th. :)

Until next time...

I'm Thankful for Fiber, Alcohol and Family

2009-11-26T18:05:00.000-08:00

Dearest friends, it is that time of year again the "Holiday Season." While my time here in PA has brought me many new adventures it has also brought me new experiences. For example, I suffered from a severe bout of homesickness yesterday. It finally sunk in that I would not be spending Thanksgiving with my family. My friends called to see if I would be coming home and I had to break it to them that I wouldn't be. My family thought it would be weird that I wouldn't be home but they were ok with it. Stephen's family were coming down to visit and Connie was going to work all day so it was going to be me...

Well me and the whole community. I started off the morning rocking my red dress with a black shirt over it making it a red skirt. Then I wore calf high boots and my grey scarf I recently bought. I looked cute if I do say so myself. At mass I was the second reader which was nice and afterwards I met Stephen's whole family. Then I took my seat with some of my favorite people and enjoyed a spectacular meal.

Afterwards I went to the grocery store and joined the "Oh shit!" shoppers. The "Oh shit!" shoppers are the people that realize they are missing a key ingredient to their Thanksgiving feast and they go "Oh shit! I forgot the cranberry sauce or Oh shit! I forgot the dinner rolls." So they rush to the store and get what they need. Fortunately I was not in the oh shit crowd. I needed to buy snacks for the kids at work that do homework help/club. I also needed baked goods because I owe some people baked goods at work. So then I spent the next two hours sipping on a cold beer and baking a banana loaf, strudel, and pumpkin spice cookies.

After that I went out for a ride with Katharina to find a coffee joint that might be open on Thanksgiving. We couldn't find anything but now I know where the mall is (its so close) AND I kind of saw people wrapping up their thanksgiving dinners through this windows on the drive home. Creepy I know, but it was nice.

Then I went to prayer, ate some food and now I'm here. All in all it was a good day. I did miss home and my family and I can also tell that some of my family is still pissed at me but whatever. I have to work tomorrow but it should only be a half day. Then I'm going to my RMC Director's house to play touch football with her sons and their friends. After that I'm going to enjoy pizza and beer. It should be a good time.

Happy Thanksgiving to all!

Until next time....

............

2009-11-04T08:26:00.000-08:00

I don't know what to put as my clever title. I don't know what this picture means. I don't know much because I am just so unsure.

Right now my mood is calm and indifferent. I'm not overly happy and I'm not overly sad. I'm not stressed out but I'm not bored. I'm not feeling great but I'm not feeling crappy either. I am a bit tired both emotionally and physically.

I've been trying to spend the past few days re-evaluating my purpose in life. Or rather, trying to remember the signs and steps that got me into this volunteer program. I read my reflections from when I was trying to figure out what ministry site I wanted to be placed in. My initial concerns with working at the transitional housing program in the city were:

1) being so busy that I wouldn't be able to visit the Mother house and the Sisters who I became good friends with

2) being in an unstructured facility where I would have to be my own boss, push forward without waiting for constant pats on the back and be a policy maker

3) working with children/a field I have little to no experience with

4) surviving the commute from hell

Now check this out:

1) I see the sisters every Sunday for mass to the point I kind of feel obligated to go to mass at the Mother house when I'd kind of like to explore other churches too just to get a feel for other parishes in the area.

2) I have a boss who approves everything I do and there is a clear chain of command. I've made some policies and had to enforce some policies and I've been fine.

3) children love me and I have been making it up as I go along

4) the commute is a lot easier than it looked initially. Out of all the volunteers I have probably driven to the most places on my own

So what are my concerns now? I've put my whole heart and soul into my work and I have the positive feedback to show for it. Even though I worked 170.25 hours last month and this week I'm pulling two late nights one of which will be a 12 hour day... I just don't know. I've been told I'm doing great things and making the Sisters proud. I get compliments, praise and feedback about the programs I've instituted. However, I still find myself trying to figure out why I am here. Why am I here? What is the overall purpose? After this program I'm going to be broke and have to crawl back to the Eastern Shore with nothing to show for myself except a drained savings account and a year of experience. I'm three months in and I can't decide if I want to try to do journalism still or stick to a social service field. I love what I do even if at times my work kicks all the spirit and drive out of me.

Which I guess is what is happening now. I kind of sad a negative comment about the new campaign the health care system is putting in place. See, the health care system is going to change the computer wallpaper on all our office computers to their flyer with the new brand slogan. Initially I was angered by this. My background is my dog who when I'm sad I stare at for a few minutes. I didn't like the "force" aspect of it. So I said a few negative things about it to a few people. One of those people was my bosses boss who pretty much verbally bitch slapped me and reminded me of my place in the world. She put me in my place. I deserved it. However this woman has never said a negative thing (and meant it) about me or to my face. This was the first time and I realized how childish I was being. How else are you going to get everyone recognize the new brand? Not everyone will check their e-mails or read fliers posted around the building. Make the brand every one's new computer background and they will be forced to know what is going on. Besides, I wouldn't have a computer if it wasn't for the health care system.

So I suffered a personal downfall. I was unprofessional in a moment and I haven't recovered since. The normal person would bounce back and continue their work with the same passion and spirit. Me? I'm keeping my opinions...ALL my opinions to myself. My coworkers have already noticed that I'm quieter. But that isn't me.

I find that I'm highly emotional about everything. I'm angry more, I'm irritable more, I'm sad more, I cry over stupid things, I'm stressed easily. I think that since I started back on birth control pills I've been hormonal and emotional. It feels like circumstances that shouldn't bother me instead really upset me. I should just let everything roll off my shoulders but I let it bother me and then take those negative feelings and point them towards myself. "Why didn't I think of that solution? Why didn't I just keep my mouth shut? Why am I complaining about something so small and irrelevant?"

I don't know.

It is like my tiredness and stress is all self induced. My emotions are just self abuse and I can't explain it. Right now I'm content with being opinion less and quiet and docile.

I also have noticed that the lack of diversity in the new campaign has me on edge. I want to supply the marketing department with positive feedback and constructive criticism. Yet, who am I but an unpaid volunteer who is here for a year. I should be the "yes man" and not the little ball of fire that I'm turning into. My mouth is going to get me in trouble again but now I have a reasonable concern. I'm at a crossroads and I should probably just follow the roadsigns, keep my eyes on my work and keep my mouth shut.

Sigh.

Until next time....

--At least I get to go to a Philadelphia Flyers game on Saturday and I get to sit in the 'all you can eat' section. Hopefully I won't destroy my diet and all the painstaking efforts I've been making.

I Am My Own Punching Bag

2009-10-29T09:20:00.000-07:00

I am my own punching bag. Apparently.

Work has been presenting me with some difficult situations that involve delegation and standing up for myself. There is this new program that some co-workers want me to start but they also expect me to run it too. I'm feeling stretched out sometimes like these people don't realize I am a full time volunteer. After one situation I spent the morning planning on how to defend myself from having to put in way more hours than I'm expected to. I did this instead of trying to find a solution to the problem which was: work with what you have and go from there. No, I'm too busy preparing a defense of how I'm not superwoman and instead I missed the most logical, practical, in your face solution. Additionally, I have spent all my time bitching about this new program instead of taking it for the team and trying to find the positive aspects of it. Therefore I come off as a bitchy, whiny maggot who crumbles under pressure and can't think for herself.

At least that is my self image. I have been told I beat myself up too much and my expectations for myself are so high that my stress is self induced. It is true. I noticed yesterday that I've gained 1 to 2 pounds. This could be due to the party I went to Saturday night where I drank a good amount and ate Philadelphia pizza at 3am. I was hard on myself for that too. I began scolding myself for letting myself go for a night. I have to really restrict my drinking when I go out. Its not a matter of getting drunk or stopping my alcohol intake. It all comes down to the calories. Alcohol is unnecessary calories. I began to continue me "no one will ever love you, you fat blob" mentality. Yes, self insulting is my motivation. I said before and I'll say it again, I can not lose weight for me. I'm pretty happy with the way I look and feel. I'm lazy about it too. But if my motivation is that I'm an invisible fat blob that guys accidentally bump into to get where they are going...then I'm motivated to work out and become visible and beautiful.

Unhealthy yes. Effective? yes. I'm my own punching bag. Yes.

Until next time...

Partly Cloudy

2009-10-14T06:13:00.000-07:00

I wrote a facebook life update about the past month or so. After reading it, I realized that it is so incredibly happy go lucky and positive that it is almost not realistic. While yes, I've been doing pretty well at work and at home and in life in general, but there have been some struggles too.

Yesterday I had to be at work at 8am because Stephen has to be in work early to help our nurses. I came into work not feeling my best and knowing it would be a very long day. I was right. I did a developmental assessment in the morning and ran around like crazy throughout the day. I even had a "working lunch" where I worked and ate at the same time. I went to a really long staff meeting and then had to get ready to teach my class about emotions at 4pm. It was 3:45 and for some reason I had it in my head that I would start teaching at 4:30. I played a game of solitaire to calm my nerves only to remember at 4:15 that my class was supposed to start at 4pm! So I rushed over, late, to start my class. It could have went a lot better... I'm wondering if I'm even cut out to work with kids.

I get off work after 9 straight hours (including my working lunch) to go to a casual mass with the sisters at the Mother House. Apparently its "tradition" and we're "required" to attend. If it were any other day I'd be more than happy to attend but today I was dead on my feet. I pulled almost 9 hours on Monday too. So we drive to the service and while it was casual and wonderful, I couldn't really get into it. So I'm worried about the lack of balance in my life. I've got work pretty much under control, I'm trying to take care of myself by working out so I can lose the weight and eating healthy, I'm trying to be available to my community and I'm trying to maintain a consistent spiritual life.

Despite my efforts I feel like my spiritual life is going down the tubes because I'm so self absorbed. My diet/exercise is working but my work outs 3 days a week pulls me away from the community. Monitoring what I eat every day is like a full time job. Have you ever been consciously aware of everything you put into your mouth??? Its exhausting. I used to just eat and not care. Now I have to monitor calorie counts, carbs, fat intake, sugar intake, and drink a lot of water. I feel like I have work under control but this week has been crazy and I'm just so exhausted when I get home I want to go to bed early. Lack of balance. Where is God in my work? Why am I so self absorbed? Additionally I use a self-defeatist attitude in order to motivate myself to exercise. Instead of a positive approach like "this is great for my body, I'm being healthy." I say to myself "no one will even consider you attractive until you lose this weight. Right now you are an invisible blob that any decent guy would overlook in a second." Horrible, I know. Despite my negative approach, it really does push me to continue my diet and exercise and feel good about it. This is the longest I have ever stuck to a diet/exercise routine. I'm coming up on week 3. I'm at a standstill with a 6lb loss. My scale lies to me each morning saying I've lost 8-12lbs and then at night tells me I'm back up to where I started. Its all relative, I shouldn't weight myself daily, its water weight...etc. I know all this but I need to see progress in order to believe it is working. If I don't see any progress I will give up and just accept a permanent single fat lifestyle.

I also feel like I'm on the brink of some huge discovery or life changing event that is positive. Have you ever gotten the feeling that something is going to happen and you just don't know when? I feel that way now even if its just some kind of emotional bullshit. My emotions are pretty maxed out right now. My hormones are out of whack and my mind is racing with new discoveries and nostalgia for old ones. Additionally I'm still anxious about the future. I kind of qualify for Youth Advocate positions and I'm pretty sure I want to stay in the Philly area. I love living so close to a city and I really love working in the city. Yes, I don't need to worry about the future today but it is good to get the ball rolling.

So over all I'm exhausted emotionally, physically and it appears spiritually. I'm surviving, enjoying life, enjoying work even when it kicks my ass and wondering if life changing events and discoveries are in my future or if its just wishful thinking. The nostalgia is killing me, like a drill bit driving itself through my heart, but I'm working through it. My grandmother is back to 100% and my community is getting closer with each other every day. I even had a heart to heart with Stephen in the car this morning about relationships (which could explain my nostalgia). One really good thing is that the Phillies are still rocking the Post Season and I love living in the home city of my favorite baseball team. I have an unhealthy obsession with Shane Victorino but it just translate to a lot of support for him and the team. My room is starting to look like Fever Pitch Phillies style with enough Phillies newspaper clippings to make you think its a new wallpaper. I'm obsessed.

Until next time...

5 lbs to Freedom

2009-10-07T11:05:00.000-07:00

It has been 1.5 weeks since I started my diet. I have cut out just about all white breads, soda, most candies/cookies/sweets, and things that could be fattening. I have not become a counting calorie individual but rather a calorie aware individual. I'm trying to always be aware what is going into my mouth/stomach. I have learned the following:

I can't believe its not butter spread 50 cal and 50 cal from fat. IT IS ALL FAT! Stupid "healthy" butter.....

Mayonnaise...we know its not good for you...90 cal and its 90 cal from fat. IT IS ALL FAT TOO! So you might just as well spread a bottle of lard onto your sandwich.

You burn calories sitting, eating, showering, sleeping, talking and typing! Its not a lot, but yes, you do burn calories while doing these activities.

8 glasses of water a day goes a long way!

This is pretty much all I have learned the past week and a half. In good news, I have officially lost 5 lbs. According to the doctor, I have to lose 50lbs...well...45 more to go. If I could lose 5 lbs every two weeks I could lose the weight in 9 weeks!

Utopian thought.

Anyway I've been working out three days a week, watching what I eat, and trying not to feel guilty if I enjoy a spoon of ice cream or a square of chocolate. I hate how this is a lifestyle choice and a life sentence. I don't know if I have the energy to be calorie conscious..I mean aware...for the rest of my life. I'm pretty sure I've developed a disorder already. haha For example, I had two hot dogs today PLUS my lunch. My boss made everyone hot dogs to celebrate the post season opener for the Phillies today. I LOVE hot dogs. They are pretty much my fav food ever. So I had two, one with a bun and one without and then my little bagel sandwiches, carrot sticks, yogurt..etc. I'm regretting that second hot dog now. I am trying to figure out a good way I can work out to get rid of the extra calories!

That is borderline obsessed. See? I'm developing a disorder. A healthy one of course.

Until next time....

Life Updates are Always Good

2009-10-01T10:32:00.000-07:00

Life Updates are Always Good. My last post was one of self pity about halfway through September. Yes, I got news I had to lose 50lbs to not die. Well life got worse as the weeks went on. Two weeks ago my grandmother suffered a TIA, it is a mini stroke. She was mixing up her words and speaking nonsense. It scared the hell out of me. Saturday night I was having a friend over for a "girls night" with Connie at our house. I'm driving home from the grocery store and I call my mom to tell her about my super sweet bargains. My mom tries to work the news into the conversation but ultimately my dad interrupts and says "Mom Mom is in the hospital."

It takes everything in me not to pull a U-turn on the Pike and drive down to Cape May at that moment.

After they explained the situation to me about 100 times, I understood my grandmother was on the phone with my Aunt and started speaking gibberish. My Aunt and Uncles rushed to her house and called 911. She was put in the ER but released the same day. My mom was then scheduled to drive up to South Jersey on Sunday. It was really difficult but I eventually convinced my family to let me see my grandmother on Sunday as well. I was borrowing a GPS at the time and Connie and Stephen have their own cars if they needed to go anywhere. Originally my family did not want me to go. I'd be in the way, there was nothing I could do...etc. After persistence I managed to convince my mom that yes, I was going to see my grandmother on Sunday because she might not know who I am next week. Connie and Stephen decided to accompany me on this journey so we drove 2 hours to South Jersey on a Sunday afternoon for a 40 min visit with my grandmother. Then we drove 2 hours back. I have good friends.

Seeing her was hard but I felt so much better. My mom planned to stay with her during the week and the family had to figure out arrangements for her if necessary. It was crazy. Then it gets worse. By Weds I noticed that I had 7 active cysts with 1 draining. I began to get concerned so I went to the doctor. The doctor gave me an appointment for the same day. This was good and bad. It was good because I didn't have to wait until mid October but it was bad because it was scheduled during community night, the one night a week that we're all supposed to eat and do an activity together. Plus having a dr appt scheduled for the same day you call makes it seem like an emergency so I had to explain why I was going to the doctor to all my community members.

I have a condition that causes lesions not cysts. It is kind of a side condition of PCOS which I also have. The doctor prescribed weight loss. No, not medicine. Weight loss. I was told the symptoms would virtually disappear if I lost weight. I had to start by eating right and work up to exercise since sweat would irritate the lesions. She also ordered some kind of iodine based scrub to keep the lesions clean.

Weight loss. Are you effing kidding me? No pills to help a diet..nothing. I was told to limit dairy and cut carbs as much as possible. I'm a bread eating fiend so this was like the worst life sentence one could ask for.

After all of that I was overwhelmed and depressed. I didn't have time to exercise. I paid $20 to have a Dr tell me to lose weight which is what all health care officials seem to be telling me lately for various reasons. I fell into a serious slump. I began to hate life and work and everything. I was irritable because I felt I had to eat cardboard basically and nothing else. I felt ugly, unwanted and self pitied every day. Fat. Ugly. Loser.

This combined with the incident with my grandmother made me so tired I could barely function. That weekend I had to work the Sister's Oktoberfest ALL WEEKEND. We're talking 12pm-7pm Sat and 9:30am-7:30pm Sun. Sure we got free food, free beer and breaks but it was a lot of work. I just wanted to go to sleep! After an overwhelming week that was not what I needed. So I didn't get to recover this weekend.

On Monday (this past Monday) I finally made it to the gym. I ate dinner and skipped evening prayer so I could work out a little bit. After the gym I was so exhausted I just wanted to crash and never wake up. I felt good that I finally got to exercise but I was still tired from the past week and the weekend. That night I lit some candles and just prayed about all the shit in my life. From my lost name tag to my tiredness. I asked for strength and confidence in myself.

On Tuesday I woke up feeling slightly refreshed. A co-worker found my nametag in a closet I was working in. I began to become adjusted to my diet and learning that I could have cookies once and awhile. My body was still physically drained but my spirit was renewed at least. I was rewarded with the most unsuspecting surprise. FREE PHILLIES GAME TIX! Our friends from Mercy Volunteer Corps scored 3 free Phillies game tickets and gave them to me, Connie and Stephen! I found this out about halfway through the day. I was planning on going out to the store to get groceries since I had to cook Weds night. Well that plan was botched because Phillies trump everything.

I hurried to get my work done, raced home, changed into my Phillies gear, ate a quick sandwich and drove to the Mercy's to get the tickets. We had a great time. The Phills beat the Astros 7-4! I got my first baseball game beer and the hot dog was as good as ever. I even bought a $5 Nat League East Division Champs shirt from 08. The stadium gave us rally towels too. It was such a good night.

Exhausted on Weds, I woke up and went to work. I left at 4 so I could pick up the groceries and have dinner ready by 6pm. And that I did! I felt like a supermom or something. I was running on fumes but I had a delightful dinner ready all by myself. Pork chops, peas, asparagus, potatoes and cinnamon strudel for dessert. The game and prayer/reflection went well too. So A+ on leading my first community night. I ironed and de-linted my shirt, made my lunch, showered and was in bed by 10:30am.

I woke up early this morning with the hopes I could play a radio contest. The winner gets $100,000 and 2 Priuses. I couldn't get through but on my way to work I fantasized as to what I'd do with $100,000. I'd pay off my loans, give my parents a lot so we wouldn't have a mortgage anymore, pay off my bills, give some to my grandmother, then buy an Iphone, get my hair professionally colored and put the rest in savings so after a year I could get an apartment and have a car ready to go. Yeah..right...like that would ever happen. It was fun to daydream on the commute though.

So here I sit, running on E. I'm exhausted physically but my spirit is strong and my attitude is positive. I'm going to the gym directly after work today. Got the gym bag in the trunk. I'm being proactive with my weight loss plan. I'm constantly aware of what kinds of food goes into my mouth. I don't stalk calories but I try for health(ier) options whenever possible. My coworkers had McDonalds today and it almost killed me to smell it as I ate my peanut butter and fluff sandwich (which was a good treat), carrot sticks, sun chips and yogurt. I've been eating 45 cal a slice soft wheat bread and avoiding dairy for the most part. I don't eat biscuits or cookies or crackers as much. I avoid snack crackers and instead opt for fruit or veggies. I was told I could eat all the meat and vegs and fruit I want. I'm craving meat right now, haha. I think I'm going to make it though the week and I have a pretty restful weekend planned. I'm trying to get out to a club on Sat night to see Jason Derulo perform, but that may or may not happen. My grandmother has just about fully recovered. I feel great about myself as I strive for improvement. Life is beautiful.

Until next time...

50lbs

2009-09-18T06:24:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went to the hospital's gym for my gym orientation. As a facility supervisor and fitness instructor of a college gym, I already knew how to work most of the equipment so I spared the trainer that agony of explaining how you can increase the incline on a treadmill. What I did need help with was the weights. They have a significantly older Cybex weight system which is almost intimidating. Even though I knew the general mechanism of a rear dealt fly and a back extension, I needed a brief tutorial on how to work these aged machines. They work great, I just need to adjust to them.

Now, I'm known for being a very open person. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I don't hold back. I will now discuss a topic of sensitive concern to me.

Yesterday I went to the hospital's gym for my gym orientation. I received my fitness assessment from late August. It told me my strength was above average for a girl my age. That is great. It also told me that I have 40% body fat when I should have at max 24%. Additionally I need to lose 48lbs of FAT. I weighed myself this morning and found out that that I now have to lose 50lbs of FAT. I have GAINED weight.

I'm really not in a position where I can hit the gym three days a week and eat three well balanced meals while drinking 8 glasses of water. My job is relatively fast paced, a typical 9-5 M-F. By the end of the day I'm hungry because I take lunch at around 12pm and I'm tired. I have just enough time to eat a quick dinner, get a shower, make my lunch for the next day, choose my outfit for the next day and check my e-mail before it is time for me to go to bed so I can get enough sleep to function. It is exhausting. It also makes me miss school.

Of course we do things like go out to restaurants occasionally and eat cookies and ice cream. I really need to stop all that. I am also limiting myself to a half a mug of coffee with no creamer until I can ween myself off coffee completely. Coffee is horrible for you. As is soda and beer.

I really don't think skinny people have any fun. Honestly though, if I ever want a man or to avoid diabetes I need to start now. The older I get the harder it is going to get to lose weight. Soon I'll just be one of those really obese people who no one really wants to look at.

The problem is time and scheduling. For example, today I got up at 7:40 and was out the door by 8:05. I usually bring my breakfast with me because I can't eat really early in the morning. Well I'll eat my breakfast at about 10 or 10:30am. Lunch around 12 or 12:30pm then I have to drive a co-worker to the Phila airport after work. That trip plus the trip back to my house is going to get me home at around 7 or so. I'm going to be tired and starving. So naturally I'm going to want to eat a quick fix meal which is unhealthy in large quantities.

I foresee myself becoming more irritable and I limit my food intake, exercise daily and hate myself. haha

Until next time...

Becoming a Young Professional

2009-09-08T07:34:00.000-07:00

Greetings! So life has been quite peachy. I'm adjusting just fine to just about everything. This holiday weekend I got to meet up with other volunteers in the Philly area and we even went out for a night on the town. Basically we went to a bar called the Tattooed Mom, decorated ears of corn to make them look like little people and enjoyed $1 16oz Pabst throughout the evening. Yes, it was classic. All of this took place on Philly's South Street which is known for many things. The Tattooed Mom was unlike anything I've ever seen. The first floor was chic and eclectic and the second floor was covered in graffiti and crazy decorations. It was a really nice place and I want to go back there some time.

Anyway, I'm currently becoming a young professional. I'm learning how to guide my own projects, make my own packets, and really pioneer programs. There are moments where I'm sitting at my desk in my office going 'wow....I'm grown up.' I know that sounds stupid but it feels weird having a 40 min commute to work, having an office and a desk, having responsibilities which span beyond answering phones, cleaning weight equipment and serving food. I mean sure, I've been a newspaper reporter but I think that all my jobs involved my boss telling me a set task, me completing it, and then getting a new one. My jobs either had a set schedule which was the same thing every day or I received new tasks to complete.

I kind of get new tasks and sort of have a set schedule. For the most part I guide my own way. Like I just finished e-mailing local college and university service organizations to get volunteers for our homework helper program. Later today I have a staff meeting where I have to present my system for lending out Leapfrog Learning toys. I mean really, this is the real world.

I'm continuing to fall in love with Philly. My heart is really starting to latch on to it and all its ghetto fabulousness. Last night my best friend asked me when I'd be coming back home to visit. I told her I would probably spend Thanksgiving up here and that I'd be home for Christmas. I really didn't mean to say it but I told her I don't want to go home. I'm so happy here. My biggest fear is that this is so temporary. I mean in a year I'm back to square one with nothing but experience to show for it. I'm hoping I can find a way to stay here. To have a job which makes a difference, live by a city which has so much culture to offer, and enjoy the company of new people is all I could ask for. I think a big part of it though is that I don't have 'real world' responsibilities such as rent, bills, food..etc. That is all taken care of. So, I'm spoiled and I live in a distorted reality.

But I still want to stay here even if I have to work multiple jobs and live in a crack house in a year.

Sad. I know. I'm getting just enough city to love it and just enough suburb to feel safe. Its the perfect combination. Anyway I should probably get back to work. I'd give it about two weeks before the Health Care System realizes that they have a blog which has not been blocked. (The health care system blocks everything from facebook to gmail and random sites in between. It is kind of annoying). Back to work, lots of meetings today.

Until next time...

Happy Birthday To Meeee

2009-08-25T18:25:00.000-07:00

22 years on this Earth and I can tell you it has been a rocky and crazy road. Today was a really special birthday. (I'm writing this on the 25th but just pretend it is the 24th).

I woke up to having french toast made for me by my two fellow volunteer friends. They made me a special birthday breakfast. Then I started my first day of work, meeting new people and learning about my job. I have an office! How about that. It feels so weird being in the real world with offices and work and no class or parties.

Oh, backing up a bit, Sunday was really special. We had our Missioning Liturgy and it was awesome! We were congratulated and welcomed into the whole Redeemer community. We had to give mission statements to the congregation and everything. I loved it! We got special blessed crosses and candles. It was a day full of memories.

Now, fast forward to Monday. So I went to work and left around 4:30. I came home and my community made me my favorite dinner as a surprise! (Hot dogs, mac and cheese from the box and baked beans). Then we had zucchini bread cake for dessert because I really enjoyed it during orientation. My community gave me this funny Charlie Brown card and signed it and even labeled each other on it. I'm Snoopy haha. They also gave me a $25 gift card to Barnes and Noble. Then Connie and Stephen gave me a fitted Phillies hat which I wear as I type this. I have wanted one of those hats forever and now I finally have one!!! I love it and it was a real surprise.

Then we had prayer which was dedicated to me and my birthday. I've never had that happen before! Oh and the night before one of the Sisters put a bouquet of flowers on my desk! It was a wonderful birthday and I'll never forget it.

------

Today (for real this time) we stayed at work until 6pm. I made the daring attempt to drive us to work in the city and succeeded. Then we had to drove Leah back to the train station (she is the volunteer from last year who came in to help Stephen with his stuff). So yeah...I'm a bad ass. I drove through the city IN the city and on the interstate! It was crazy, scary, fun and quite the adventure. We made it back in one piece and now that I've conquered that I think I can conquer anything!

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So now we're just chilling at the Motherhouse and playing piano. I'm ready to go back soon because I have laundry to do and lunch to make. Its weird being a grown up. haha

Until next time....

A Whirlwind of Happiness

2009-08-22T17:32:00.000-07:00

How in the world do I sum up the past week for you in this blog? I don't think it is possible so I'll try to hit the high points as best I can. I know a lot of people have been wondering if I was still alive but honestly I've been so busy with orientation, moving in, and transitioning that I haven't had a chance to update anything. On top of that, the computer in our community isn't set up yet so I have to find creative ways to get on computers. Connie has one I use sometimes, the Sisters Mother House has one. Usually I can only get on for small periods of time. I write to you now from a hospital. Yes, a hospital. I live about two buildings over and they have a 24 hr computer lab. So I can spend as much time in here as I want.

Ok, let me find a starting point. Well, I arrived on Sunday and it was pretty fast paced day. My aunt, uncle and cousins had lunch at the Mother house and we got a really warm welcome. It was really nice. Turns out one of the Sisters knows my uncle and she leaped from her chair to greet him. She used to teach with him. So that was a nice surprise for her. After lunch I went back to my home and unpacked a bit. Eileen went over some brief expectations and get to know you questions. Then the four of us (me, Connie, Stephen, and Eileen) made Stromboli for our community. It turned out all right and it was a fun time eating dinner with so many people. I fell fast asleep that night from exhaustion.

Throughout this week has been my RMC orientation. It has been busy, fun, and action packed. I've met almost all the Sisters, learned the history of the Sisters, learned about the health care system, learned about my fellow volunteers (life stories) Yes, mine was drama filled. We've shared meals, I've drank wine at a Bishop's 90th birthday party, we've watched movies. It has been a lot of fun. Never a dull moment, really.

Today me, Connie and Stephen went into the city. We saw the Liberty bell, Independence hall, the Franklin park, the DE river and various downtown shops. We took a train in, explored and than took a train out. We met a woman at the train station who was lost and needed a ride so we drove her to her bus station (after getting lost ourselves a few times). It was a great day.

I live with four Sisters and one Resident Associate (lives, prays with Sisters but doesn't take vows). On the first floor of my convent (which is basically a big house..no Sister Act bars on the windows) is me, Stephen and Connie's room. I share a bathroom with Connie. Then there is a huge living room and dining room, back porch, community room, kitchen, several other bathrooms, the Sister's office and a chapel which is right next to my room. On the second floor is our computer room and the Sisters' bedrooms. It is a really nice place. Our RMC car is a Ford Focus much like my own but it is newer and it likes me. We share the car but I'm in it 5 days a week since I have the longest commute to work. Eileen has already taken us out for water ice and mini golfing which has been a lot of fun!.

Let's talk about work again. My ministry site, my site of service, whatever you want to call it. On Tuesday I met with my site supervisor, Beth. I learned that I'm going to be running the Head Start program, assisting with the Homework Helper program, assisting with the Big Bros Big Sis program, making sure the kids get vouchers for uniforms (all pub schools in Philly wear uniforms). Then I am going to work with the Homeless Children's Initiative and I already have a meeting scheduled next week. I'm also meeting with the counselor from the local school. I also have a room that I have to re-arrange for mothers and their children for meetings with me and stuff. It is intense, a lot of responsibility and I am eager to get started! My first day is Monday, my birthday (which is going to be a great day from what I hear). Everyone wants to wish me a happy birthday and there will be ice cream. I'm happy. haha Everyone keeps mentioning my birthday which really means a lot to me. But on Mondays and Fridays I drive to work without Stephen. Thank God his orientation to work is also on Monday so I don't have to drive on my birthday. Ugh I would hate to do that. (Not live to see 22).

I feel really at home here. I'm so happy and I know the year is just starting but I don't want it to end. I love the balance in my life (yeah it is the honeymoon stage but I can relish it, right?) I mean, I have God, Sisters and my fellow volunteers. We're all connecting really well (granted it is the baby stages of forming a community). I just find myself realizing how lucky I am to be in this position. I don't have to worry about rent, insurance, my loans and other crap. I can maintain a relationship with God daily. I'm making new friends left and right. I'm having new experiences. I'm going to be getting my hands dirty in a career path that is kind of unexpected for me. (I'm already thinking about getting my masters of social work at UPenn maybe.) This is just a great set-up with people who accept you for who you are and not what you could be or who you're not. I love it. I do miss my friends (especially because they keep calling me and leaving me messages) however I am adjusting just fine here. Life is good!

So tomorrow is our Missioning ceremony/mass. It is basically our initiation. I'm looking forward to it (I still have to make my mission statement). haha Then Monday is the first day! (and my birthday of course).

I think that hits the high points. I'll be more specific later. I'm just having a great time transitioning and it feels like home here. I'll update on my birthday (BIRTHDAY BLOG) goes as well as how work is going.

Until next time...

I'm a Spectacle in All Forms

2009-08-13T15:57:00.000-07:00

I didn't get to drive my car for the last time and realize it. The day I was going to do this my dad came in the house holding my tags in his hand. He did me a favor, really, but I was hoping to take one last drive around the old neighborhood. I didn't get to go walking with my mom because she didn't go walking that morning. I also added one more bag to my collection of luggage.

That is all well and good. I got to hang out with Beth and Clay for a bit. It was hard to say goodbye to them. I really feel like this whole week has been nothing but goodbyes. Additionally everyone is playing tug a war on my heart. Everyone wants me to stay but I can't. I did see a funnel cloud outside my house last night. That made my heart race and pound in my chest. A tornado was coming right towards us! Then the wind changed directions and it vanished. It was incredible. I have some good pictures of the little funnel cloud before it went away. My God it was beautiful. Yes, a tornado was beautiful.

Anyway, my parents drove me to Lewes today to meet up with the rest of my family. It really was just about the rest of my family. I was greeted by my grandmother, two of my aunts and four of my cousins. It was a regular Waltons moment. But see, this large gathering attracted a lot of attention to fellow ferry people. So did my bags, which are huge, and purple. On top of these huge purple bags were a huge orange bag and a huge black bag. Everyone kind of stared at me. Then stared at my family. It was funny and kind of crazy at the same time. My mother was cracking slightly harsh jokes. There were about a million "you're going to be a nun" comments thrown about. I was so happy to be surrounded by my family before I start my new life. I was also ready to go. haha Lots of family, lots of attention on me and not the good time, lots of luggage, lots of stares by people = not so happy MA.

We took family photos and had a nice lunch. Then I boarded the ferry which was one of the most difficult tasks in the world. No, it was not difficult because my heart was wrenched out of my chest and my desire to stay with my parents and my best friends beat my desire for a real adventure. No. It was difficult because my two aunts, four cousins and grandmother helped me get my two purple suitcases, one black duffel, one green bag, one orange duffel and one bookbag oh, yeah, and a baby coach basket thing for my grandmother to push...onto the ferry. My 11 yr old cousin tried to tackle one of the heavier suitcases. She was a trooper, I give her that but everyone stared at us. The people behind me were really inconvenienced by me and my bags and my entourage trying to push my bags. I mean really, I held up a line of people with all my crap. People were just amazed that I had so much stuff. I felt so self-conscious. Like when you think everyone is looking at you and talking about you and then you realize wait...they really really are. Ugh.

To make matters worse my family started to realize what a burden my stuff was. Soon everyone thought I over packed and that my bags were really too heavy. Simple living? Right... There was a moment when I was tired, embarrassed, and just kind of annoyed by my lack of packing skills that I wanted to die. haha I'm surprised I made it to NJ.

Now I'm chilling at my Aunt and Uncle's house, watching cable, eating tasty cakes and using their computer to stay connected to the world outside. I feel a bit better but I am so exhausted. I'm ready to just crash and burn right now. I leave for Philly on Sunday and I want my family there but I don't want a big fuss. I love unpacking things so I don't want any help in that department. One of my favorite things is to settle down in a new place. Seriously I love arranging furniture or putting my crap away. Unpacking just puts my mind at ease. So hopefully I'll be able to do that on my own.

So that was my adventure today.

Until next time...

Let's Go

2009-08-11T17:38:00.000-07:00

On Thursday morning I will get into a car with my parents. Two purple suitcases one giant orange duffel, one small black rolling duffel, one Vera Bradley medicine travel bag and a blue book bag will be placed into the trunk of a Silver Ford Taurus. For two and half hours we will drive to a certain ferry which leads to a certain birthplace of yours truly. After a wholesome lunch with my Aunt, cousins and grandmother, my family will drive that Silver Ford Taurus back home and I will board a certain ferry with the other half of my family.

On Sunday morning I will get up early and pile two purple suitcases, one giant orange duffel, one small black rolling duffel, one Vera Bradley medicine travel bag and a blue book bag into a Dodge Ram van where my Aunt will drive me to my new residence for the next year in the suburbs of Philadelphia. I will unpack said suitcases and bags in my quaint little room in a convent. At 2pm I will report to the start of Orientation where I will be orientated into my new life.

One week and a day after this orientation I will begin my first day of work at a transitional home for homeless mothers and their children. I will either drive or be driven to my workplace in the heart of the ghettos of the city. I will begin a job I have had no direct experience in. I will work with people who will not trust me on sight. I will have to prove myself and that I am capable of making change and adapting to situations on the turn of a dime. I will also be turning 22 on this day.

Tomorrow is my last full day home. My last day home really. In this day I want to drive my car for the last time before turning in my tags and canceling my insurance policy. I want to hang out with my best friends and joke and laugh with them before we go our separate ways. I want to have dinner with my best friend in my home. I want to make sure my dog will not forget me. I want to get up early and walk with my mom at the crack of dawn but it will probably be raining. I want to make sure Sallie Mae will defer my loans for a year because as of now they won't. I want to go over everything in my room and make sure nothing is left behind that I will need. I want to have a memorable and argument free day with my parents. I want to tie up all loose ends in one day including storing my computer in a cool, dry place for it will not be coming with me to Philly.

I've already visited the nursing home I used to work at and said goodbye to residents I've known for years. I've already went to church for the last time and said goodbye to the few parishioners I knew from other outlets. I've already e-mailed friends and family to tell them what I'd be up to for the next year. I've already revamped my Ipod to contain the most eclectic mix it has ever had. Here is a sample of songs on it:
1) Best I Ever Had - Drake
2) Breathe - Taylor Swift
3) They Will Know We Are Christians By Our Love - Jars of Clay
4) Ice Cream Paint Job - Tyga
5) Free Bird - Lynard Skynard
6) Better Man - Marty Dread
And various songs from John Legend, the Remember the Titans Soundtrack, Kelly Clarkson, Enya, Chris Daughtry, Beyonce, Rascal Flats and more. You name it, I prolly have it.

I'm incredibly excited for what the next year holds. This whole application process has been a journey and a half. I'm hoping I stay calm, avoid my egotism, and be myself. I am also hoping I don't lose touch with the friends I love. Considering I still talk to my 1st grade teacher on a somewhat quarter annual basis, I doubt I will. I want to stop worrying about what will happen after this year because I will be broke and jobless. I want to stop letting it bother me when all my friends and family are joking because they think I'm going to become a nun just because I'm going to be living and working with nuns. I can't wait to tour the city and meet new people. I just hope I'll have enough time to write about my daily adventures. I know there will be plenty of them.

I'm growing up.

Until next time...

Breakaway

2009-08-07T19:06:00.000-07:00

I suppose I'm still in a Kelly Clarkson mood. I keep listening to her song "Already Gone" and "Walk Away." Why? Because both of those titles are going to apply to me in 6 days. That is right 6 days. Everyone wants to hang out with me before I go. My friends want to spend everyday with me until it is time for me to depart. My parents, want me to spend time with them in their own special way. (Me being productive around the house of course). Me? What do I want? I kind of want to just lay down in a dark room and fall asleep to songs about leaving and change and a new life. Its funny, all this time I had been so eager to get the hell off the Shore, start my new real world life in Philly and make new friends and have new adventures. I wrote this poem which reflects my feelings:

I was always focused on the future
Never worrying about the past
Racing through life with no regrets
Never caring as the days went by fast
So set on jumping the cliff
Into adventure and what life could be
Now I find myself skidding to a halt
Trying to catch a final glimpse of the present scenery
Wishing I could put my memories onto a slide show
Just sit down and reminisce
To laugh and cry and relive
All the moments I'll inevitably miss
As I approach the ledge of change
I know that I have to leap
I spent all my time wishing and waiting to go
And now I'm not ready to leave
I'll take one last look behind me
Store the still frame in my heart and soul
I'll breathe in deep and close my eyes
Then step off the ledge to see what the future really holds

Yeah.

Don't get me wrong, I'm totes excited but now I suppose I'm a little bit nervous now too. I'm leaving my best friends in Williamsburg and on the Shore. My dog, yes my DOG doesn't love me anymore. I'm always so in and out of his life that he has been distancing himself from me. And NO, this is not my imagination. I try to sit with him or play with him and he moves away. But he'll cuddle up to my mom and dad in a hot second. My dog is distancing himself from me because I'm so temporary.

Which gets me thinking about the next year and how temporary it is. I mean, it is a year of commitment and a 9-5 and challenges. But it isn't the real world. It is a real world transition. Which is perfect for someone like me who is bound to fall flat on my face in the 'real real world.' I can't help but find myself envying those who have 9-5s which are permanent. Who don't have to re-figure their life out in a year.

The main reason why I made this life changing decision was because I was trusting God with the one aspect of myself I always want control of: my future. I don't want to have doubts going into the program but the past few days have left me feeling spiritually empty and really nostalgic. I'm excited but I am also really sad to leave my friends behind. I'm worried what I'll be doing after a year. This worry didn't occur to me during the application process because I thought 'oh God will provide.' I really don't want to be doubting 6 days before I leave.

What I'm worried about: people not liking me, my job being too challenging for me, me getting off track or lazy and preventing positive change from happening at my job, me losing important yet crazy aspects of myself which make me 'me', not having any options but coming back to the Shore penny-less after the year of service, getting lost on my commute, being coerced into religious life and not being able to fight it haha, losing touch with my best friends thus losing my best friends and becoming increasingly more conservative in my lifestyle.

What I'm excited about: meeting new people,making new impressions, exploring a new career path, making positive change, strengthening my spiritual life, encountering new adventures, working in Philly, making new friends, potentially finding my niche in this field and getting a full time job after my year of service, being on my own sort of, discovering new things about myself and interacting with new cultures.

Equal I suppose. Today as I struggled to pack 'only the things I need' I realized I need more bags. I'm now up to two purple suitcases, one small rolling duffel, one large new jersey tote and a book bag. That's not bad for one year, right? I have work clothes, casual clothes, shoes of both sorts, toiletries, some knickknacks to make my room feel like home, jewelery, make up, essentials. I'm worried I'm bringing too much and I'll get there with my entourage and my 5 bags and everyone will look at me and be like "um...wow you pack a lot." Its always been a problem. I over pack for EVERYTHING. I'm serious. You should have seen what I brought to college my freshman year. Ugh. I went to Wal-Mart and picked up $74 of essentials. Included in the lot was a black dress shirt and yes, my splurge of the day. I am obsessed with Paris Hilton's Heiress fragrance. Like, obsessed. I don't like Paris Hilton and I don't revile in the fact I smell like a baby prostitute but I had to get some. A normal bottle costs $30. A tiny bottle costs $6. So I bought a tiny bottle for special occasions. Sue me. Better yet, hit me over the head with something hard.

In other news I finished reading Queen of Babble Gets Hitched by Meg Cabot. Shes the woman who wrote the Princess Diary books. I love the Queen of Babble series. I stupidly started in the middle so I haven't read the first book but I know everything that happens in it. It was a really cute book though. Now I'm reading "Newjack: Guarding Sing Sing" by Ted Conover. Holy crap, Conover is my HERO. This guy is a journalist who uses sociological techniques to write his pieces! For example, he wanted to learn more about the prison system so he tried to gain access into the Correctional Officer Academy. They said no. What did he do? He APPLIED to be a correctional officer. So this guy is a correctional officer at Sing Sing prison in New York and he did all this so he could write this book! He's also explored the lives of Mexican coyotes and also train hobos. I'm not gonna lie, after Sing Sing I'm going to read all of his other books. This guy is brilliant and is doing something that I kind of want to do! I want to write a book about the homeless, this guy has done stuff just like it. But seriously, to BECOME a correctional officer to write a book and learn more about the prison system???? Effin GENIUS! I love this guy. He is now on my favorite author list (because his writing is very engaging) and I want to learn more about him. He's basically doing participant observation techniques in the field and applying it to raw hard core journalism.

Not to mention I also have a fascination with prisons and the whole correctional system. ;-)

That is about it for me. A new author fascination and fear and excitement about my new life in 6 days. Sigh.

Until next time...

My Life Would Suck Without You

2009-08-02T18:55:00.000-07:00

When I woke up around noon yesterday, I had no idea that I'd be spending my evening with my two best friends at the Delaware State Fair watching Kelly Clarkson in concert. Yeah, I had no idea. But Beth called and asked me if we were still going to meet up at 1pm to hang out. Then Clay called and invited me to the concert with Beth. I figured there was no way I could go considering I have $20 to my name right now. I mean concerts are things you plan on going to, not things you just wake up and decide to go to that night. Believe it or not, everything worked out and I was able to go. Clay generously paid my ticket and state fair admission as a graduation present. It was literally the perfect day.

I rushed to pack some things so I could stay with Beth that night, making traveling easier on both of us. First we had to stop by her friend's house because her friend, this nice Korean lady's mom passed away. I knew her kind of on an acquaintance level so this whole setting was a little awkward at first. How do you comfort a grieving person you don't really know? Especially because there was other people at the house as well. So as Beth consoled her friend, I politely stared at the floor. This situation turned around completely when the fellow house guests and friends started talking to me in Beth. Within minutes the conversation became lighthearted and I felt comfortable again. The Korean ladies kept telling me that I was bright, had a vibrant personality and was full of life and that God shines through me. This really meant a lot to me. So I had the Korean ladies laughing and smiling which was fun. It kind of reminded me when the Philippinos came to CCM daily mass and I had them laughing like crazy. I feel like I do really well with cultures other than my one. Perhaps I do better with other cultures!

After this nice visit we went to Clay's where I toured his new kitchen and raided his pantry. We left for Delaware around 3:30 or so. This really felt like a road trip. We listen to Kelly Clarkson all the way up, pausing briefly to listen to some music which is hot in LA right now. We made it up to the fair without a problem and parked in Cow Lot 3. haha Got to love it.

The fair was pretty big. Take our town carnival and times it by about 100. There were your typical rip off attractions "smallest woman in the world, smallest horse in the world." Enough food to feed a third world country including chicken on a stick, corn dogs, turkey legs, and pizza slices the size of your head. Also cotton candy, candy apples, fried oreos, funnel cakes, yeah the works. It took us about a half hour just to choose what to eat. I mean the selection was huge! I settled for .75 20 oz ice tea...yes 75 cent. And a slice of pizza as big as my head. Beth had pizza and fries and clay had a corn dog (mandatory at the fair haha) and a turkey leg which I took awkward pictures of me and Clay eating it at the same time. After dinner we walked around for a bit. Beth said that there were "fresh cows" which came out wrong, but it was amusing. We looked at the livestock and then headed to the track for the Kelly Clarkson Concert.

The first act was Krista, a spunky Avril/Evanescence/white rapper/rocker chick who had some really good stuff. Our seats were decent and we were right in front of a huge screen which showed all the action on stage. Yes, I watched the screen a lot more than the actual performance because it was right there. Anyway after Krista's performance we went to go meet her. Beth and I were first in line and Clay found this amusing since these little girls were in line behind us. Krista signed our free Itunes song card and crawled under the table to take a picture with us. She says "I'm human" as she crawls under the table. We got a cute picture with her and then picked up some home made lemonade for the next act. I loved this concert scene because you could come and go as you pleased as long as you had your ticket scanned in and out. So we could use the real restrooms, get drinks and meet the opening acts and still have our seats waiting for us.

After Krista was Eric Hutchinson. He was good but I think he was unhappy with the fan reception. He kept telling us to sound excited when he announced a song and called out people who came late just to see Kelly. Yeah, he needs to work on accepting the fact we paid to see a show and he should shut up and perform. We went to meet him too, in a line of screaming teen girls. He was kind of awkward and signed my admission ticket. I don't have a picture of me with him but there is a picture of me walking beside him.

Yeah.

Anyway after Eric we had a bathroom break/lemonade refill for $2 break. We got back to our seats and enjoyed a black eyed peas pour some sugar on me remix song. Then Kelly came out and the crowd went wild. Beth, Clay and I saw Kelly Clarkson our junior year of high school together in Va Beach so this was really special to see her again right before we all go off into the real world. We linked arms and swayed back and forth to Breakaway and rocked out to My Life Would Suck Without You. That is how I feel about my friends, my life would suck without you. Seriously. This whole day was perfect.

After the concert there was closing fair fireworks since it was the last day for the fair. We walked back to the car and just enjoyed the night ride home. It was a great day with my best friends. I have lots of great pictures on facebook so check them out. The whole adventure was really spontaneous since Clay was like "lets see Kelly Clarkson tonight." I needed that kind of fresh break from monotony.

Until next time...

Realization Of

2009-07-29T20:21:00.001-07:00

This morning I woke up feeling sick. My head hurt, my stomach hurt and I felt like I was going to puke. I also felt really dizzy and weak. It was a horrible feeling. I was hoping to wake up and walk 3.5 miles with my mom this morning like I did yesterday. That plan failed. I slept until about noon and finally got up and showered and attempted to iron some clothes. I felt better after a shower and I feel almost 100% better now. I am wondering if maybe I'm having a bad reaction to the antibiotics. I have a cyst that I'm trying to get rid of. Gross and TMI, I know. So I'm taking amoxicillan for it. I've taken this type of antibiotic before and never had an adverse reaction to it. This sickness is sudden and kind of a freak thing. At least I feel a bit better now.

So my additional news. Most of you know this but for those that don't, I have been accepted into RMC!!!! Officially! Orientation is August 16th. I have a week long orientation and my first day of work is my birthday, August 24th. I have been placed in my first choice placement site which is Drueding Center/Project Rainbow. This is a transitional home for homeless mothers and their children ages newborn to about 12 years of age located in Philadelphia. This is where I found I was needed the most. My official position title is "Youth Advocate."

As a Youth Advocate I'd be the voice of the youth. First of all, this is a brand new position so I don't really have a concrete job description. I'm sort of my own boss but I'll have a supervisor to report back to on my progress.. I'll be assessing the children's education and social needs. I'll have to plan and execute programs which stimulate their intellectual growth. Additionally I will work with the Homeless Childrens Initiative program in Philly and with the local public schools. I kind of have to build a relationship with key school faculty (principals, guidance counselors, etc) to learn how I can better help the homeless children in Drueding Center. I'm really excited and really nervous. The neat thing is that this position has the potential to revolutionize their program in a really positive direction! Talk about impact!

I'll be living in a community of about three to four Sisters and two other volunteers. We'll be living in a Convent in Huntingdon Valley. So I have about a 40 min commute into the city for work but I get to live in a nice part right outside the city. The program provides me with room and board, a small stipend for personal expenses, health insurance, spiritual guidance, community living, and the Americorps Award at the end of my service year. We also get a community car to use.

So that is the official news. It is really neat, my mom and dad are trying to help me get ready for the 'real' world. My mom is busy helping me pick out work outfits and my dad is giving me life advice. They are driving me up to Lewes, DE around the 12th or 13th or so. Then I'm taking the ferry over to NJ to stay with fam until the 16th. My Aunt is going to drive me up to Philly.

In other good news I'm trying really hard to take my health into my own hands. I stumbled across some pictures of me in high school. I couldn't believe how thin I was then. I thought I was kind of fat but nothing to what I am now. Not to be a downer on myself but I am def watching what I eat, drinking lots of water, and trying to exercise. I don't want to be an overweight single girl. I do hate society for making the ultimate standard of beauty a thin girl with perfect skin. That is unrealistic but the truth.

My two best friends from high school will all be officially moved back on the Eastern Shore tomorrow. So I'll have Beth and Clay to enjoy before I leave. Beth is going to grad school and Clay is looking for a job in marketing.

I guess that is it. Nothing really amazing has happened. It has just been little things. Family life is going well though. For once. Within my house. Hope it stays that way.

Until next time...

Let the rest of my life begin

2009-07-26T20:20:00.001-07:00

New Jersey was great! I arrived on Friday afternoon and was greeted by my grandmother, aunt, and two cousins at the Ferry. I couldn't believe how much my cousins have grown. Laura is 11 and Johnny is 7. We kind of relaxed a bit on Friday, taking in the day to do a few errands and such. That night we rented a movie, Session 9. It was ok but it could have been scarier. One of the things I love about going to New Jersey to visit family is that I get spoiled like a child. I get soda, sweets, cable, and we rent scary movies every night. I mean I suppose I could do that here except my parents eat pretty healthy, soda is limited, we don't have cable so we have to watch the movies we have all the time. I really got to bond with Laura over her Spanish summer worksheet. It was fun because we developed a lot of inside jokes out of it.

Sunday was memorable (I'm skipping around). I got up early and went to church with the family. Afterwards we had brunch at McDonalds and returned back to the house. I had a date that night with a guy who works with my Aunt. Laura had a birthday party before my date so I requested to be dropped off at my grandmother's house for a few hours. I will never forget this time I had with her. I literally had my grandmother all to myself for three hours. We looked at my pictures, figured out where I'd be working in Philly in relation to places she has been and lived. But it was nice just talking to my grandmother for a few hours without others around or distractions. Our conversations were never really deep or emotional, but they were meaningful to me. I will never forget that day and I wouldn't trade those moments for anything.

Laura and my Aunt arrived kind of late, leaving me with less then an hour to get ready for my big date. We went shopping for a birthday present for Laura's friend earlier that day and I scored a rockin dress. I was looking for white Capri's to go with my black ass dress shirt but I came up empty. I opened my mind a bit and tried to find something else that would work. Before you know it I found this really cute blue dress. It went down to right above my knees, covered my fatty arms, had a plunging neckline and was made out of a material that didn't make me look fat. I loved it! It was a $30 for $15. I had to buy it. So I had this rockin dress and a date in less than an hour. I panicked as I got a shower, dried my hair, and tried to do my make up in about five seconds. Fortunately Chris got a little lost so I bought extra time.

The evening was great. He picked me up in his convertible and we venture to Sea Isle City for dinner and drinks and some entertainment here and there. We had dinner at La Casa then went to two clubs with live bands playing. I really liked Ocean Drive because the band played 90s rock and they had $5 shots of Patron on special. We had a great time. We also went to a saloon and an Irish Pub to check out the scene. He drove me home and I passed out on the air mattress in my Aunt's living room.

Monday me and the family went to the boardwalk. We rode the rides and enjoyed roller coasters, boardwalk fries, the Ferris wheel, claw machines and ice cream. I had a great day. I was a little exhausted from the night before so I didn't mind when the day came to a close. That night we watched "The Knowing" an interesting movie which didn't quite have a good ending. Tuesday we ran a few errands and visited the airport museum with my grandmother. I got to get my picture taken in various planes and helicopters. That was a lot of fun. My grandmother loves looking at the old war planes. On Wednesday my last day, we hung out in the pool and day and enjoyed the sun. My grandmother watched us from the porch. I left on Thursday afternoon and drove to Beth's to help her house sit until today, Sunday.

There are a few more things to tell but I'm exhausted so I'm going to get a shower and pass out in my own bed for the first time in two weeks. I can't wait to sleep in tomorrow.

Until next time...

Jersey Tomorrow

2009-07-16T20:12:00.001-07:00

Well I leave for the NJ homeland tomorrow to spend a week with my family up north. I'll try to keep updating as adventures happen. <3

Have a great weekend!

Epic Proportions

2009-07-12T18:35:00.000-07:00

There are several things on my mind this evening. The first is just me noticing the jargon of today. Five years ago I did not use the following phrases:

totes = totally "I'm totes going to say that"
sketch= shady "That party was so sketch"
lolz= haha "Then he tripped. Lolz" (pronounced lull-zzzz)
FML = f*** my life "I had such a bad day. FML"
shiz = stuff "I have to pick up my shiz at the house"
biddy= hag or female dog "You ol' biddy you"
I'm just saying - (self explanatory)
sweet = cool "That game was so sweet"
most def = definitely "Most def, I'll be there"
stoked = excited "I'm so stoked for the weekend"
for real(z) = seriously? "I'm going to the Outer Banks for realz this time.
FAIL= something didn't go right "I tried to ask this guy out but he walked away before I could approach him. FAIL."
Epic = great "This weekend is going to be of epic proportions. OR This day is going to be EPIC"
That's What She Said = sexual innuendo "I wish it was bigger. " "Thats what she said"

There are more but I can't think of them right now. I just was amused at thinking my language today and my language five years ago. We used to say "the bomb" and "gnarly" and crap like that. Also, I want to incorporate the word "chagrin" in my vocab more often now.

Secondly. I had my cousins over for a few days. It was really great spending time with family. We didn't end up going anywhere but we watched a lot of movies and sat around and talked. It was really nice. This visit made me realize how much kids like me. I think I'm not good with kids and that I'm better with the elderly and dogs. But kids are the least judgmental creatures on the face of the earth. I became a human jungle gym and loved it. The moment I'll remember the most is when I was laying on the floor watching a movie. The two girls, one is almost 4 and the other is 6 were laying on the floor and leaning on me. So I was kind of like a big pillow. Suddenly the almost 2 year old waddles over to me, and sits down right above my chest and lays on me too. So I have a picture of the three girls laying on me watching the movie. I forget how good I am with kids. So maybe if I ever become a youth advocate one day I'll do all right.

Things at home have been on the rocky side. Small fights with my parents have escalated into serious ones. I've decided to put some distance between me and my parents for a short time. Not that this idea solves everything. I'll be going up to New Jersey to stay with family for a week starting Friday. Then I'll be back to help my friend house sit for a few days. I might help her move out of her apartment across the bay as well. So that is two weeks that I'll be out of my house and out of my parents' hair. Granted, they will miss me and I'll miss them. I just think it would be wise to have a mutual break. This is the most cost efficient way I can make it happen. I'll be spending little to no money on both trips. Plus I get to hang out with my Jersey family for a whole week! This includes my grandmother, aunt, uncle, cousins and even some dogs. I'm stoked.

In other news, RMC has not called yet. They said they would call in a week to a week and a half. It has been almost a week and a half. I'm getting nervous. Like, there was a glitch in the reports or something and they are going to come to the difficult conclusion that I am not right for the program. I mean, I didn't think that was a possibility. I'm trying to rule it out in my head. Since it is getting really close to being almost two weeks I'm expecting a phone call tomorrow or Tuesday. I'd prefer tomorrow. We'll see what happens.

That is about it. I'm just watching shows on my computer and dreaming about the future. I'm looking forward to these two weeks though. It is bound to be a blast and full of adventures.

Until next time....

Wishing and Hoping and Waiting and Pacing

2009-07-09T08:05:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in few days because nothing interesting has happened to me lately. I still do not have a job. I am still fighting with my parents almost every day. I still haven't heard from RMC about whether or not I'm accepted. I've done chores to prepare for my cousins' arrival. My dad's nephew and his family are coming to stay with us until Sunday. This will be a good time. It means a surplus of food and treats, unlimited sodas, perhaps some beer, and family fun for like three days. We're talking carnivals, state parks, watching movies. Seeing my grandmother and Aunt in New Jersey and having my dad's nephew come visit are the closest I get to family gatherings or family fun. I have a decently sized family too.

There is my mom who is one of five kids. My grandmother on her side is my only living grandparent. So I have three uncles and one aunt from my mom's siblings. Then of course almost all of them are married so that's more aunts and uncles. The only cousins I really talk to are my aunt's two kids. They are pretty young, like 11 and 6 or something like that. I'm not really sure. Then I have four great aunts. One passed away from breast cancer, one past away due to illness, and two reside in the suburbs of Philly. I am really close with my grandmother and try to talk to her at least every day.

On my dad's side of the family he was one of five. There were three brothers and one sister. One of the brothers kind of dropped off the face of the earth. The other two were kind of sort of in contact with my immediate family but now they just live their own lives. I haven't seen them since I was about 4 years old. I don't really talk to the aunt either. Then I have a great aunt who sends me presents and cards on holidays. I don't even know what she looks like. My grandparents on his side died before my parents were married. But sure enough we discovered through hereditary searches that my dad's nephew was looking for his uncles. We got connected and in a day I had over seven new cousins. My dad's three nephews and their children. It is pretty awesome. Then through more tracking we actually found my dad's half brother....that was almost a family secret. My dad knew of his half brother but never knew who he was. So that whole section of the family came down from the north to visit my dad. So, I do have family. It is just kind of spread out.

I'm an only child too.

So today one of my dad's nephews is coming with his wife and three kids. They visited us last year too. They are a great bunch. The kids add a bit of livelihood into the house. I like to hang out with my cousin who took an interest in my radio show.

Other than that I've just been sitting by the phone waiting for RMC to call me. I was told I'd hear from the Director in a week to a week and a half. The official mark for one week was yesterday. Ok, so week and a half...that is Friday or Saturday. Today is Thursday. I really hope I hear something soon. While yes, Eileen said it looked good, anything could change. They could find a flaw in one of the reports or think about something I said during a meeting or dinner and decide I'm not a good fit for the program. I'm starting to doubt myself, even though that was the best interview I've ever had. What would I do if they reject me? Get a real job, obviously. I'd move out as quickly as I could find a job. But what would I do? A part of doing this program is because I still don't know what I want to do with my life. So this will help me decide or come up with something or learn things about myself that I didn't know before. Please call. You are making me nervous.

Its almost noon and I am still rockin my PJs. I suppose I should get dressed and make sure there is nothing else that needs to be cleaned or cooked or arranged. You'd think the Queen of England was coming to visit. :) I'm not complaining. Its a fresh change of pace and a break from monotony.

Until next time....

Fourth of July Weekend

2009-07-05T14:34:00.000-07:00

The Fourth of July is my favorite holiday. It is special because about five or six years ago I went to a party at my friend's half built house and had an amazing time. It was kind of my first "real" party so to speak. I love fireworks. I love summer. I love cookouts and I love the beach. I really appreciate our freedom and used to don red white and blue apparel year round. I actually owned a pair of American Flag freedom pants. I had the little headbands with wiggly flags on them. I love the Fourth and always try to do something special.

This 4th was no exception. I started early by spending the night at my friend, Beth's house on Friday night. This made things easier for Saturday's fun. Friday night I went to the ice cream festival at my old town. This was an incredibly hick but cute festival featuring the All Shore Band, bell ringers, free ice cream, and lots of people. Then we went to the carnival, lost at bingo, ate fried Oreos and had a pretty good time. Then we went to Shucker's for a few drinks. I had so much fun dancing that when I dropped it like it was hot I split my skirt. I was dancing out on the floor and felt a bit of a draft. I reached behind me and realized that my skirt had split from the top all the way to the bottom. Awkward, I know. So I spun the skirt to the side and tried to pull off some sort of retro rip look. I kind of just looked stupid. I was amused but this incident sobered me up right quick. We stayed at Shuckers till last call and then headed home. I decided I was a bit hungry so I made a pit stop at McDonalds at 2am. haha I ate my quarter pounder with cheese as I drove back to Beth's. It was a really fun night and a great way to kick off the Fourth.

Saturday morning I woke up early to walk in a small town parade with Beth and her dog, Baller. Her mom made a streamer collar out of red, white and blue and we put it around his neck. So we walked in this parade, showing off the dog. At the end of the parade we were rewarded with Popsicles and water. Beth's parents drove me back to her house because she had to pick up her friend, Jon. I got my stuff together and went to the creek to meet Clay and his fam. We took the boat over to Cedar Island, yes the land of magical wonder. Here I ate fried chicken and home made brownies with joy while sipping on a Bud Light. It was awesome. We went to seaside and played in the baby waves and visited other locals/ate their food. haha I think we were on the island from noon till about 6pm. I only got a tad bit sun burnt, Beth got the worst of it. Jon had a great time. Clay and I have crazy pictures. It was perfect.

I returned to land, took a shower at Beth's and then tried to plan my next move. There were going to be fireworks at Shuckers so we had plans to go there. I called up the parents to let them know what was up and they were less than thrilled. Due to a communication problem, my parents were under the impression I was coming home right after the beach. Therefore, they had made plans to go to the carnival with me that night. I remember telling them about fireworks and was just trying to figure out how to save gas/spend time wisely from 6pm-10pm. This resulted in a fight due to the disagreement. They are still kind of upset with me.

So I'm working through that. We found out that the fireworks started at 9pm....and it was 8:55. We booked it over to Shuckers and witnessed comeback fireworks. What does that mean? Well, my old town used to have a really nice firework display each year at the Fireman's carnival. This town sold the carnival rides and gave up the carnival grounds. They just couldn't afford to hold the carnival anymore. So there are no fireworks in town. To see Eastern Shore fireworks you had to drive all the way up to the top of the Shore or all the way down to the bottom. This is not convenient for us middle of the road folks. So Shucker's, "the Eastern Shore's Premier Nightclub haha" decided to host a firework show. It was beautiful. The show lasted about 15 min or so, they had a beautiful right above your head display of professional fireworks. I think the display was better than the carnival's old displays. So there, comeback fireworks! The town made a comeback.

Then I had to make a hard decision. Beth was really sun burnt and not feeling well. I was staying at her house for the night. I could either go home with her and watch a movie. Or I could stay at Shux with Clay and meet up with Cora, a good friend of mine from high school theatre and forensics days. I hadn't seen Cora in over four years. I know now I should have went home with Beth and be with her. I didn't. I stayed out for a second night at Shucker's with my other friends. It was a blast, I won't lie. I saw people I had a class with one semester in freshman year of high school. I saw people I went to middle school with and who dropped off the face of the earth. I got an old forensics picture with three other people from our team. The music was good, the atmosphere was more of the young crowd, and it was fun. Cora drove me back to Beth's around 1 or so in the morning. (After we had a parking lot feast of McDonalds cars side by side). Beth said she didn't mind if I went out or stayed with her as long as I "was returned to her custody haha." But I'm an idiot for not going back with my friend who I was staying with. She was so sun burnt and tired and I didn't even feel like going out that night to begin with. I just wanted to see Cora, who in turn wanted to hang out with me for a bit.

You can't please everyone. I will never learn. I try to take the road of less damage but I think I just end up choosing the road of most damage. I don't know.

But that was my weekend in a nutshell. It was a really good time and I enjoyed my favorite holiday. My friends all leave tomorrow and go back to their lives in C-ville and Richmond. I, will be back to spending my days trying to find a job for a month and a half and waiting to hear if RMC accepts me or not. Thrilling, I know.

Upon reflecting on the many reasons why I am so excited about RMC I realized a few things.
1. This program is perfect because I really don't know what I want to do with my life. I'm up in the air about counseling, social work, journalism and the like. I have no set plan.

2. This is a transition from college life to the real world. I've have similar responsibilities I would if I were on my own, I'll have a 9-5 M-F kind of job, I'll have to keep my living space clean and be courteous to others. Its like the real world on training wheels.

3. I love the fact I can continue nurturing my spiritual life. I'm coming from being involved in CCM to being a parish orphan. Yeah. This gives me no outlet to grow in my faith or continue to build my trust and relationship with God.

4. I love the adventure aspect. I'm literally giving this up to God and basically pulling a "Jesus take the Wheel." I don't know where I'm going to end up. I don't know what is going to come of a year. I don't know what I'm going to do after a year. (Which excites me instead of scares me). I always wanted to plan my whole life out, every last move, but now I'm just seeing where things go and what comes of them. Its so adventurous.

5. Practicality. While this position does not relieve credit card debt of any kind and makes me drain half my savings to pay off debt while serving a year, it is beneficial in many other ways. Spiritual growth, almost 5 grand to pay off student loans in one shot, loan forbearance for a year because face it, I really don't have any money to pay my loans now anyway, room and board (no rent or bill worries for one year), stipend so small I have to really think about how to use it (building financial responsibility), free health insurance (co-pay) (well I'm uninsured right now...and I will remain so if I go get a job on my own), community living (learning lessons and transitioning from being around people all the time to being on my own). It makes sense. With the economy, it makes even more sense. Everyone is going to grad school or volunteering for a year.

There are tons of reasons why I really want to do this. Including the fact I felt incredibly at home and happy during my interview. Honeymoon stage or not, I loved it.

But I guess I still have things to think about. Oh, yeah, and relationships to repair right now. Oh, and a temp job to find.

Until next time.....

A little taste of home

2009-07-02T20:10:00.000-07:00

This evening I went to the carnival with my friends Clay and Beth. I got there a little late because finding parking was like looking for a gold brick in a dollar store. I found my friends seated in the front row watching kareoke. After watching a few acts myself I soon found out why. This was the best entertainment no cost can buy. Some people were awesome and upbeat. Some people were downright brave. Others were just a little timid. I had a good time. I thought I would have spent a lot more money on rides, food, bingo and games.

After we had enough of the singing we played a game of bingo. Lucky for us we got on the last game of the night. $50 prize for the bottom row. I thought, 'there is no way I'm going to win this.' The caller said "someone is going to win this I just feel it" which is ironic because there is always a winner in bingo. Anyway I said "its gonna me be." Well we played and my friends would be like "boo ya" when they got a number. Suddenly I got four of the five numbers called. The caller says "G 50." I said "I would have wet myself if he called G 60 haha." Then he says "G 60." I thought, oh my goodness I just won $50. I screamed "BINGO!" It was a good bingo and they handed me a 50 dollar bill.

So needless to say my first game of bingo in the season and the last game of the night proved to be a good one. I have $50. I needed that $50. Good stuff. :) I'm so blessed.

Until next time...

Transplant

2009-07-02T15:10:00.001-07:00

That is exactly what it was. A transplant. I was transplanted from the Eastern Shore, from my boring jobless life, from my lack of local friends and lack of funds to visit my college ones, from fights with my parents, from meaningless tasks. I was taken from bleak and put into beautiful. I quickly made friends and connections with a holy community of Sisters and supporting staff. I ate blueberries every morning with my breakfast, had 24/7 access to a chapel and experienced exhaustion that feels both good yet allows you to collapse in bed at 10:30pm. Life was simple. My biggest worry was if my shirt looked too wrinkled and what time my next interview was. I watched "The Closer" with a Sister, I was invited to join an intimate community for organized prayer, I spontaneously asked their equivalent of "Mother Superior" if I could join her as she took the infirmary dog out for his final walk. I captured a piece of my old confident self where I sat down at a table full of strangers and left the table with new friends.

I know that I will never have an interview like this again in my life. Any interview I must undergo will always fall short of this experience. It felt like a retreat, a tad bit like sorority recruitment, like an interview and also like a vacation. I learned more things about myself, my strengths and my weaknesses than most people learn about themselves in a year.

Needless to say I'm back and I'm trying really hard to hold close the memories and the feelings that being up in Philly has allowed me to have. It was so peaceful. I really miss the Sisters and staff already. Everyone was genuinely friendly and eager to know my story. They laughed at my jokes and shared a few of their own. The connections I made were abundant. I know deep down in my soul that I have chosen to apply for the right program. I also have full confidence that I will be accepted. The most difficult task at hand is figuring out which placement site I will pref first. I have over a million things to consider.

That is what I'm doing right now. Trying to discern where to go. A lot of little things are pointing me into a concrete direction but I still have some doubt.

DISCLAIMER: RELIGION. You know how I am. ;-)

As you may or may not know, I have felt incredibly called to apply to this program. That calling was completely validated at my interview with RMC. I love the people I'd be working with, the Sisters I'd be living with (alongside two or three other volunteers who have applied/are applying). I traveled to four placement sites where I learned about each organization and what each position entails. I've witnessed little miracles and signs. One fun thing that happened was I was sitting in the chapel trying to write out pros and cons about the different sites. It was getting dark and I really needed some light. I padded around the chapel barefoot asking God to show me where the light was. I couldn't find it so I sat back down and said "ok, on your terms, but could you put the light on?" Suddenly the lights came on. It was one of the Sisters coming in to set up for mass. She didn't even know I was in there! So she taught me how to turn the lights on and off. haha It was a great moment.

I'm not going to elaborate in full detail but I will say this. I think I am being called to the most difficult and challenging placement site positions. If I am accepted to the program and if I chose this particular site, I'd have the opportunity to really make some change. Its a new position that could revolutionize certain aspects of the placement site. I could impact a lot of people in a very positive way. Additionally, this position allows me to experience maximum creativity and liberty. It is also the place I feel I am needed the most. I'm still asking God where he wants me. I trusted Him this far and I see how perfect this program is for me in my life right now. I have no doubts about that. I just need Him to point me into the direction again or perhaps give me some subtle reassuring hints as to what placement site He has in mind for me. I will tell you again, I really connected with the Sisters. I'm not considering entering a holy and religious life or formation. But I did find their friendship and presence refreshing and I am longing for it as I sit here.

So I still have time to figure things out. I think I did splendid on all my interviews. I find out in a week to a week and a half the final decision. Fingers crossed and hopes high.

Tonight I might go to the carnival with Clay and Beth. This is a great way to relive my childhood and perhaps go on a ride on the Black Spider and play a few games of Bingo. I'm going to try to get up for First Friday mass/Adoration tomorrow at church. I could use some more prayer and reflection time. I'm not at a complete loss but I still have doubts about placement.

I promise I'll be much more specific when the time comes. I'm being ambiguous because anything can happen.

I also applied for a job at Pizza Hut today. I hope they hire me, overqualified or not.

Until next time....

Go Greyhound and Leave the Driving to Us...if Your Bus Exists

2009-06-29T17:18:00.000-07:00

UPDATES! Much sooner than you think. I'm writing you from beautiful Huntingdon Valley, PA. I am at the headquarters of the Sisters of the Holy Redeemer. It is an absolute beautiful place with fields and a chapel and a library and wonderful people. I'm lucky to be here though. Why? Well....

Yesterday I woke up at 8am. My bus was scheduled to leave the station at 9:50am. I arrived with my parents around 9:15am or so. I waited and waited and then suddenly a Greyhound blew past the stop! I thought for sure that the bus was mine so I went inside to ask the attendant. She said the bus would stop and that was another bus. By 10:10am, the bus really did come. I almost voided my ticket by tearing it off for the bus driver. He stopped me just in time before I tore it off. Whew! I boarded the bus and picked two seats to myself in the middle. The bus driver was really friendly, telling jokes and helping me out.

I was really nervous about my change over in Wilmington. I was worried I'd miss my bus because the current bus was running late, or I'd board the wrong bus and end up in TN or NY or something. Once we got to Dover we picked up a TON of people. Earlier we had made stops at T's Corner, UMES, Salisbury, and Laurel, DE. I moved my stuff out of my wonderful second seat and a nice lady sat next to me. Her name was Bette and she was an artist and a computer whiz. She loved art that heals, and she worked at a small gallery. She also used to work for companies like Microsoft. Her first husband died in a car accident. Her second husband's mother had Alzheimer's. So she and her husband, Ed, were caring for his mother. She majored in art history when she was in college. She was on her way to visit her sisters in NJ. We had a great conversation. She gave me her card and I'm supposed to call her when I find out what goes on with RMC.

When we reached Wilmington we were past my layover. My bus was supposed to leave for Philly at 3:55, it was 4pm. I was so nervous but she assured me everything would be ok. I said goodbye, got off the bus, got my luggage and suddenly the bus driver got swamped. Everyone wanted to know where he was headed, people were throwing tickets at him. I just waited patiently and finally got the chance to ask him about the Philly bus. "Its late" he said. Ok. cool.

There was a perfectly good reason why I was so worried about the changeover. There were four Greyhound buses parked outside the station. I had to go to each one and try to find out where they were headed. But a million other people were trying to do the same thing. Finally I found a guy who was just trying to get home to Philly. I became instant buddies with him and sort of relied on him to find out what was going on. Well..the four buses left. One to Baltimore, one to DC and two to NY. So I went inside to ask the ticket counter where the Philly bus was. "Its late" they said. Ok. cool.

I went to the restroom and returned to wait for the bus. Finally around 4:20 or so, the Philly bus arrived. The attendant outside said we all had to go in to the ticket counter and get a green sticker put on our ticket. What? But my ticket says Philly...this is the 3:55pm bus....

I started freaking out. I went in to get my sticker with my new friend Safyia. A really nice girl a little older than me who was trying to head home to Philly too. We got the weird stickers, returned to board the bus and the driver started calling out numbers. There were three seats on this bus to Philly. There were about 18 trying to go to Philly. What on earth?

I was number 12, Safyia was 13...we weren't getting on this bus. This sticker thing was out of the blue and I was starting to panic. I didn't miss my bus, but my bus didn't exist. It sort of did but only had THREE seats. What on earth? Ok. Not cool.

Safyia and I waited outside and shared our life story. The Philly people were irate. I mean cursing, screaming, yelling, pacing, complaining. It was quite the show. My friend and I sat there quietly. I found out that she worked for City Year, a volunteer org for a year. She was from Philly and she was one of eleven kids. She was the last girl in her family to get married. It was an arranged marriage. She was Muslim and she told me all about how she was introduced to her future husband. It was love at first sight! He was very respectful of her and they kind of had a high school like romance. They were both new at the relationship thing and respected each other for it. It was incredible. I learned all about her. We bonded over our situation. Then we found out that the 5:40 bus could take a few more people but the majority of us would be leaving the station at 7:30. WHAT? I had called Leah, the volunteer who was picking me up in Philly at 4:30 so she knew to stay home until I called her. I was so frustrated. How can a bus just not exist?

Safyia and I split some Oreo cakesters and crackers on me. We talked about music and turns out she was a radio dj in college too. She loves jazz and she and her friend had a punk show. The Philly people were now cursing out the workers at Greyhound. Leah was getting ready to drive down to DE to pick me up. Safyia went to Amtrack and they were going to charge her $42 to get to Philly. Greyhound wouldn't refund tickets. It was a really crappy situation. Then, there was a gas leak on the street so firetrucks from everywhere came in. Talk about adventure.

Finally the 5:40 bus came at like 6:10pm. I went out there claiming optimism. I got in line as the driver checked the numbers but then Safyia waved me over to her. They weren't checking the numbers, he was taking the first eight people in line! So I got behind her and handed him my ticket. I think it was then he realized they were numbers. So he goes 10, 11, 12...ok thats it. I was lucky 12 and Safyia was 13. She literally got me on that bus. But she needed to get home too! I gave her a hug, thanked her and got on the bus. The only seats available were all the way in the back. I went back there and had to sit by an unfriendly Hispanic guy and a bunch of punky teenagers who talked about everything from Fat Joe to club dancing to sex to if you were dying on an airplane. It was so annoying. The seat was small, the bus was hot and I was annoyed. AND THERE WERE TWO EMPTY SEATS. I should have gotten up and told the bus driver but I didn't want to interfere since he literally yelled at the people trying to get on the bus. So, Safyia was left behind and she was crying. I felt horrible. There was nothing I could do. I was all the way in the back and maybe we were at capacity and I didn't know. So I got ripped away from my friend, miraculously got put on a bus and had an awkward and awful ride to Philly.

When I got to the bus station Leah wasn't there. I was early. So I wandered around and then waited outside. I did the whole press your backpack against the wall so no one can steak your crap thing. I was asked for cigs, $20, and a light by various shady characters. I just wanted to be with someone who knew the city so I could get a hot meal and the hell out of this part of town. It was so sketch.

Finally Leah met me at the corner and we walked to the subway. I got to go by city hall which was beautiful. When I said so, Leah thought I meant the subway. haha No, I meant the buildings outside. The subway ride was lengthy but I got to ask her a lot about her volunteer experience with RMC. We arrived at the stop, got in her car, and drove to her community house. I was greeted by two Sisters who gave me a delicious meal. I talked their ear off for sure. I was so excited to be there, nervous to be with people I didn't know, determined to impress them, and hungry and tired. So I talked a mile a minute. When I finished my ice cream Leah drove me to the headquarters of the Sisters of the Holy Redeemer. I arrived at 10:10pm, kind of late, and met some Sisters. They were so nice and welcoming.

The put me up in a nice little room with my own bathroom and shower. I couldn't even write about the day I was so exhausted so I just showered and passed out. It was a long day with lots of traveling and my nerves were shot to pieces.

-------------------------Day 1--------------------------

I awoke at around 7:45 and laid in bed until 8am. Then I got up, got dressed really professional style and wandered around to find breakfast. I found the dining hall with no trouble at all and ate a delicious meal by myself until Sr. Ellen came in. After breakfast I met Eileen, the director of RMC. We talked for a bit, she gave me a tour of the headquarters and then I had a two hour interview with her. I think it went well. I certainly enjoyed it. Then she took me on a tour of the Health Care System and I got to see all the Holy Redeemer buildings from the hospital to the nursing homes. After that I got a short break and then had my panel interview.

As I was leaving to go to my interview I walked down the hall with a confident swagger. Suddenly the fire alarm went off. I calmly evacuated the building. Apparently there was something left on a stove on the third floor and it set off the smoke detector. So the fire dept came (I'm seeing a lot of them lately) and took care of things. Then I waited in the lobby until I was called for my interview.

The panel/screening committee interview went really well. I really enjoyed talking to the director of Project Rainbow and the Sister. They were really open,friendly and made the atmosphere relaxing. By the end of the interview I had my feet on the couch. haha

After the interview I went to dinner. First I changed out of my formal clothes and put on a little skirt and a t shirt. Ahh, comfort. Anyway I had a delicious dinner with a bunch of the Sisters. I literally just walked up to them and asked if I could sit down and join them. They've been commending me on my openness and outgoing nature. "She's not shy" they say. I love them already. Its funny because I've only known them for a day but they are just so wonderful. One of them googled me because she didn't know how to spell my last name. She found all the things I do such as when I worked at the Rec and was really impressed. I said "I hope RMC accepts me." She replied, "Accepts you? They're probably going to want to keep you!" That meant a lot to me.

A spunky Sister told me that I have her vote even though she has no bearing on the decision. One of the main sisters jokes with me now. Its so comfortable here and I really feel like I belong. No, I'm not going into Formation to become a sister in a religious community, but this is def. the program for me. I feel certain things will turn out well and I've already won over the Sisters even if they don't get to decide if I am accepted.

Yes, I will be crushed if I'm not accepted. There are other things I can do, I know, but everything is just so perfect here. I felt the same way I felt during Phi Mu recruitment. Everyone was saying "we really think you'd be a great addition to our sorority. You will enjoy it." and I kept thinking "yeah, but you have to accept me first."

Tomorrow I visit two of the sites and then I have an interview with the psychologist. I'm sure everything will be fine. If I'm accepted the hardest part is going to be figuring out which placement site I like the most. haha. I am looking forward to the next two days. However, I have to leave at 7:45am tomorrow. I think I might actually try to get up for the 6:45am mass! We'll see.

Thats about all I have update wise. I'm in their beautiful library right now. I think I've said beautiful and thank you a million times here. We'll see what happens in the coming days.

Until next time.....

I don't think we're in Kansas anymore...

2009-06-27T10:53:00.000-07:00

If you've been following along you've read all about my not so adventurous and depressing life post college. You've heard me cry about being lonely and depressed about my not so certain future. You heard me bitch about how the VA Employment Commission discriminated me because I'm educated and how I've been broke, poor, and unusually pessimistic. But, you have also been with me during the official countdown to my RMC interview. That's right the four day, three night adventure in Philadelphia, PA.

Official countdown? I leave tomorrow. :D

Assuming I don't get mugged or killed in Wilmington, DE or kidnapped in Philly, you will be able to go on this adventure and yes, it is an adventure with me. My internet access will be limited but I'll be writing down every interesting thing that happens to me in a physical journal. Upon my return I'll transcribe these accounts into blog format so you can read all about it. That means entries post July 1st will be recaps of my interview. I'm stoaked.

I'm also nervous. This is it. This is a shot at the real world. This is my calling. This is my ticket out of here. I've never been on a cross state journey by myself. I've never been to big cities by myself. I've never been on a Greyhound. (Yes I'm sheltered. The first time I flew was in March of 2008....I'm 22 in August). I just got to do my best and impress them with my charming personality. Yeah. Right.

Yesterday I went flounder fishing again. I caught 9 croaker and 4 flounder. None were keepers. My dad caught the motherload of the day. A 21 inch flounder! Keeps for sure. We caught around 62 fish between the four of us. It was a good time. Then I went to visit my friend Emily who recently beat cancer. She is doing well but she still has a long way to go. I hope her health continues to improve. So yesterday was an interesting day.

Today I got up, did laundry, did chores and packed for PHILLY! It took me almost two hours. I went through professional outfits, casual outfits, sleeping outfits, bus outfits. You get the picture. I think I finally have everything in order. Now I just wait and then I venture off to my interview! I'm currently waiting to eat some lunch and then I have to get ready for church. Mass is at the same time as I depart tomorrow so I have to drive down south to the base of the Shore to catch the 5pm Sat mass in Cape Charles.

I'll have more profound stuff later and updates on the interview!

RIP MICHAEL JACKSON 1958-2009.

Until next time..

Full of Thoughts

2009-06-26T20:19:00.001-07:00

I'm full of thoughts and I can't sort through them right now. Will update soon.

I'm Beggin

2009-06-23T20:06:00.000-07:00

Never in my life did I think I would e-mail my life story to a perfect stranger and desperately, like my children are starving and I can count their bones desperately, ask for employment.

Don't worry. I did not say my children were starving and I can count their bones. I don't have any children and that would be lying. Just like it would be lying to not tell an employer that I have a college education. Don't get me started on that sore subject.

Really, though. After drinking a tequila sunrise for courage I e-mailed the editor of the only other local newspaper on the Eastern Shore and the head DJ for the local radio station. These are two places I KNOW are not hiring, and can't AFFORD any new employees. Not even for a few weeks. I applied anyway. I sent them e-mails with my I need money to pay off textbook bills/I have tons of experience/I'm overqualified for every job on the Shore and no one will hire me because I'm educated sob story. I poured my heart out, attached my resume and now I sit and wait for rejection. Its funny, I'm terrified of rejection. I realized that is the key reason I can't just march up into a business and request a job. I'm scared they will reject me right to my face. Apparently I have problems with rejection. Perhaps because I'm not rejected all too often. I should work on that psychological problem of mine.

Today was like any other day. I woke up at 10, went outside to do some mindless task for my parents in the yard. This was weeding the driveway again. I hate yard work so much. I don't mind being outside, but I hate yard work. I have several things to look forward to though. 1) the Wachapreague carnival opens soon. This means I get to go and play bingo all night for .25 a card and hopefully win the mother load. 2) my neighbor wants to take me and the fam fishing again. This time we shouldn't be pretending we love each other, we should actually love each other. Please don't rain Friday. I love fishing. 3) O.M.G. 5 almost 4 days until my RMC INTERVIEW.

My itinerary is insane for that interview process. First of all, I'll be taking a 9am Greyhound to Philly on Sunday and arriving that evening. A volunteer is going to pick me up and we'll go to her community house. I'll get to see what their community living is all about. Monday morning I'll be driven to the convent where I'll meet a bunch of Sisters and be given a room for the next few days. I have pretty much at least 2-3 interviews a day on Mon, Tue and Wed. I'm getting to tour my placement sites and everything. Its so intense. I'm really excited though.

Tomorrow I might just wash my car. She needs it badly. We'll see how motivated I'll be. In other good news, I've been published on associated content.com. You can check it out at:

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/1869479/celebrate_july_4th_with_old_fashioned.html?cat=8

Hopefully they will publish more articles of mine in the future. I wrote a really good one on 10 ways to have inexpensive fun in the summer. It is like magazine worthy. They better pay me for that one, I gave them exclusive rights.

Anyway I'm out to find out what trouble I can get myself into.

Until next time....

I must hide my education under my bed

2009-06-22T14:52:00.000-07:00

Last night I laid in bed and looked over job openings on the Shore via the Employment Commission website. I was really excited to find a temporary position as a vineyard laborer a few towns down from mine. It was $7 an hour and it was only for a month and a half. This was the exact kind of employment I needed! I knew it would be rough on the hands and a lot of work, but it was a job and it was money. I filled out the required information and then the site told me to 'consult my local employment commission for more information.' I'm like...uh...fine.

So I woke up relatively late, and drove to said employment commission. I had already registered online so I just had to sit and wait to speak to a representative. I waited for an hour and half, wishing I had brought a book. Finally they called me in. "What can I do for you today?" She asked me with a big smile. "I'm applying for the vineyard laborer position. Your website told me to come here and allow you to review my qualifications." I could tell by the look on her face something was wrong. "Um." She said. "The job is filled isn't it?" I asked. "No, its just the employer is looking for non-local employees." "Oh, Hispanic individuals, I see," I said. "No, not exactly, just not local people. The gentleman before you was Hispanic and we can't hire him because he is local."

I didn't understand. The stupid website said only locals apply. At least that is what I thought. I explained my situation to her. That I'm a recent college graduate with a diverse experience and I really need a job to pursue my goals. I told her how I plan on volunteering in August in Philly pending acceptance into the program. I told her I had bills to pay, loans to pay back, and I needed a job to survive just as a mother needs a job to feed her children. I told her I had applied for 13 positions and only got interviewed for one. I told her I recognize the fact I'm over qualified on so many levels but that is discrimination to deny me a job because I have an education. She sympathized with me. Asked me how her daughter could get more scholarships.

Then she told me I was shit out of luck. I'm a college graduate and fast food, hotels, and farms are not going to hire me. The damn chicken factories won't even consider me! She said I was doing everything I can to get a job. I should follow up at some places. Oh, yeah, and I should conceal the fact I have a college education. Yes, borderline lie. She was trying to be helpful but she straight up told me to "not flaunt my education." To not provide these small jobs with my resume. To keep it to myself as best as possible. She was sorry she couldn't help me anymore and wished me luck.

Then she congratulated me on graduating college. I laughed.

I can flip burgers, debone chickens, cut back vines, answer phones, clean hotel rooms. Do these businesses think they are doing me a FAVOR but not hiring me for their crappy jobs? I'm better than that? Um no, a job is a job as long as it pays. I can't believe it. I'm being discriminated against because of my EDUCATION. I went to college and the world expects me to have this great job with great pay and not a care in the world. I'm so angry. I'm constantly being denied employment because I am TOO QUALIFIED. Because I am EDUCATED. What?

I came home feeling depressed and defeated. My interview with RMC is in SIX days. After that I have approx a month and a half to get a job. Yeah, who is going to hire me for that small amount of time? Its not worth it to most employers.

On the bright side, I got a letter from RMC today. It was a detailed description of my interview process this coming week. I'm super excited and a little bit nervous. The director did say in the letter that one person already interviewed, one person was awaiting their placement location, one person has an interview in mid July and of course I have an interview this coming week. "If all goes well, as I think and hope it will, we will have four volunteers for this year." This was the best news ever. As long as I do my best at this interview I've secured a Philly position!

I'm going to be picked up by a current volunteer and take the subway to her community house. I'll eat dinner and spend the night there. Then in the morning I'll be driven to the headquarters where I'll be staying for the remainder of the interview process. I'll be fed, have a nice bed to sleep in, be orientated to the Sisters and volunteers and have an adventure pretty much. I'm super excited and can't wait. SIX DAYS. OMG.

So today was a good/bad day. I hear thunder in the distance and I am quite pleased.

Until next time...

The Misadventures of MA Cont...

2009-06-20T19:32:00.000-07:00

Today was going to be a perfect beach day. Mind you, I had a wonderful time with my best friend, Beth. I really did. However, today was supposed to be a perfect beach day. It was predicted (a few days ago0 to be 90 degrees and sunny all day.

Weather Fail.

It was overcast when we arrived on the island. I didn't mind all that much. We parked our beach chairs on the sand and set up our huge umbrella like a tent instead of up all the way. After eating our subway sandwiches, Beth kind of passed out in a nap coma in the sand. I decided to check the water out. It was cold at first but then I got used to it and it felt great! (thats what she said). Anyway, the water has finally warmed up! So I jumped some waves and then came back to sit. Suddenly I heard thunder. Thinking that I had limited time to play in the water, I grabbed my board and caught a few waves. Yeah, boogie board. I'm not cool enough to surf yet. Anyway the waves were HUGE! It was kind of do or die. I got sucked under and thrown around a few times but I never panic when that happens. I know I'll always resurface if I just remain calm. I caught a few really good waves and then decided to retire for a bit.

In came the black clouds of death. Everyone started leaving because thunder was in the distance and the clouds were almost BLACK. We packed up our stuff and almost got everything in the car when the heavens opened and it poured down rain.

Perfect beach day. We were there about an hour and a half at the most.

We went and got some ice cream and by the time we were finished the sun was out and the sky was pretty blue. Yeah...but we left and went home since it didn't make sense to unpack all the stuff and set up on the beach again.

And that was that. I'm home now and really tired and kind of feeling ill so I'll maybe elaborate more on tomorrow....fathers day...

until next time...

The Misadventures of MA

2009-06-19T15:38:00.000-07:00

Today was kind of eventful. Actually last night, my dreams were eventful. I had two dreams that I remember. The first one consisted of me getting a huge gash on my left shoulder down to my hip. Apparently I fell and this was the result. My dad had to stitch my side up with fishing wire. Then three days later the stitches were supposed to come out. My mom was supposed to take them out but she didn't know about the injury since I didn't tell her. My dad stitched the word REACH over my wound. It was really bizarre. I guess I thought I was getting a tattoo or something. I think my mom eventually pulled the stitches out.

My second dream was even more bizarre. I was at work, working out with my boss and the professional staff from the Rec Center. Although, the Rec didn't look like the Rec. I was in a white room with two televisions. There were five treadmills and all of professional staff was on them. I really wanted to join them so I did. For some reason I kept falling, on my bottom, on my side, into the back wall. Eventually I gave up the treadmill. This is funny because I don't mind running a mile on them every so often. After the treadmill fiasco it was time for lunch. Now, during Rec staff training we usually have a big lunch. We also have cookouts at Homecoming and at the end of the year. Well for some odd reason the Rec was hosting this banquet buffet ritzy lunch. There were crabs and lobster and fish and all kinds of stuff. I remember getting my crabs and this guy was like "do you want some sauce and fish sticks? you can have six of them" I really didn't want them but I felt sorry for the guy so I said yes. The sauce spilt over my plate and I had to get another one to put under it. I really wanted lobster. So I searched for the lobster line. Then someone said my good friend Jamar was at the luncheon. I said "the only thing that could stop me from eating right now is Jamar." So I went to find him and embraced him for like three minutes. I returned to the lobster line to find all these seasonings and sauces and shot glasses. What you did was make your own recipe for a sauce and then dip your lobster in the shotglass containing your sauce. Elaborate...I know. Anyway, so I just wanted butter and oil. I put this ball of butter into this container that turned like neon green and made my hands glow. I thought it was some sort of chemical but it was really just a trippy mixing container. I was just about to take a bite of my lobster when I woke up.

I'm not sure if I woke up before or after someone knocked on my bedroom door and I said "Go away I set an alarm" and went back to sleep. Anyway they were two very detailed and weird dreams. I'm pretty sure the Rec Center one is because I really miss the rec and the lobster was because my friend is applying to a Red Lobster in Richmond and that is all she talks about. haha I'm pretty sure that is the case.

Anyway the REAL day consisted of me cleaning the bathroom and then uploading some pictures to purchase at CVS. Then I met up with my friend Beth. We visited her friend at a hair store and then went off to the dry cleaners to see if my huge coat could be cleaned for less than $10. I was getting out of the car and Beth asked if I wanted her to come with me. I said no and grabbed my wallet. I got out of the car and she did too so I locked the car. I went inside and found out they could dry clean the coat for $10.50, that was good enough for me. As soon as I walked out of the cleaners I realized something horrible.

I locked my keys in my car. They were in the ignition.

I took my wallet off them because I thought Beth was sitting in the car. Then I forgot about them when I locked the door. Thankfully I had .50 and called my mom from a payphone to get her to drive down with the spare key and unlock my car. So Beth and I sat at this sketchy picnic table off the highway and waited for my mom to rescue me.

This happened to me very recently. The night of the candlelight ceremony at W&M, I had just returned from having a nice dinner with my parents. My stuff was in my apartment and I just had to get ready and drive to the ceremony. Low and behold my car was acting up. As soon as I got to the Ludwell parking lot, I checked my oil. It looked a little low. So I kept slamming my hood until it finally shut. I didn't know why it was being so stubborn. Or why I was so stupid.

That time I locked my keys in my car...underneath the hood. That is why it wasn't closing. And for some reason I locked the car so I had no way of getting in. Smart, I know. My cell phone and keys and wallet were stuck under the hood of a locked car. I called my parents freaking out because the ceremony was in a half hour. They told me to call campus poe. Campus poe came, calmed me down because I was hysterically crying and it took them about a 20 min to break into my car to unlock it. They did (and let me hold the flashlight) and congratulated me and let me rush to the ceremony being only 5 min late.

So my parents weren't exactly thrilled that I locked my keys in my car..again. I mean after all two days ago I lost $50 in the freaking parking lot. I'm losing my mind.

Beth decided that I should get a spare key and keep it somewhere safe. So we went to a hardware store and got a key made. I kind of want to wear it as a necklace or something so I won't lose it. haha

After that adventure we went on another. Sketch factor = 7. We had to deliver a small gift for Walter, the guy who found my $50 and actually called me about it. The catch was, I didn't want to be seen. I wanted him to discover it as a surprise. So we kind of did a drive by as Beth quickly placed the gift in his mailbox. I hope he gets it. Its a little cross statue that says "peace" and a thank you card. We sped off as if we had did something wrong, got some ice cream, looked at over priced movies, drove through my old town and then went off our separate ways.

I'm staying over her house tonight and then we're headed to the Beach tomorrow. I'm excited because the entry to the beach is FREE this weekend, courtesy of National State Parks. So, free beach day, heat index of 105, yes sir. No holding back for me, I'll be in the water for the majority fo the day. I can't wait. This should be a good time.

On the job front I've applied at the following places and here are the status for each job. Just in in case you were wondering:

1. Eastern Shore News - they are well staffed, will call and pay me if something comes up, prolly won't
2. Food Lion (bagger) - I applied like May 29th...they never called. Pretty sure I'm over qualified
3. Fresh Pride (cashier or stock person) - Nothing yet
4. Data Entry for Appraisals - Interviewed and rocked it, told I'm awesome but she needs someone more permanent, said she'd call in two weeks...its been three
5. Shuckers (waitress) - left my number, they never called, thats ok
6. Sunrise (waitress) - left my number, they were interested, haven't called yet
7. Seaside Family Restaurant (waitress) - yeah..this was the spot interview place, told you she wouldn't call me
8. YMCA (fitness instructor) -they aren't even hiring...doubtful
9. VA ABC store (sales associate) - dream job...my application is still under review...ok its been two weeks
10. Hardees (some sort of shift job) - haven't contacted me yet, applied recently
11. Dental receptionist - don't know where this place is, applied, will accepted interview if actually on Eastern Shore (oh Craigslist!)
12. Head Start (bus monitor) - this would be tight, applied last night
13. Hampton Inn & Suites (front desk/housekeeping/hostess) - haven't heard from them yet, pretty sure I'm over qualified

So thats the status. No one is really taking my bait because its so large and William and Maryish and yeah. Hopefully someone will come through. We'll see.

Other than that nothing has been going on. My parents and I seem to be doing all right. SURPRISES! My best friend is in town for the weekend and I'm spending quality time with her. Father's day is coming up. And...oh yes.. NINE DAYS UNTIL MY RMC INTERVIEW!

I'm happy. Hope it lasts.

Until next time....

Life after College

My New Years Resolution(S) ARE:

The Joys of Clarity

The 100th Blog Post

Who Says You Can't Go Home?

How I Became a Tourist in My Own City

How I Survived the Rapture and Made New Navy Friends

How I Got $1 After Escaping from Crazy Lil John

M.A.'s Top 10

Eat, Pray, Love

Easter Joy and then Some

Things that go bump in the....Ipod!

Its not a Diet, Its a Lifestyle Change/How I Became Vegan for a Week

Spring, Where are you? / What's with the noose?

Relaxation Fail

Life is Not Like the Movies

You are Destined for Greatness

I HATE Valentine's Day. :-)

Here It Comes

Hold On To 47 Degrees

*insert sound of noisemaker here*

Love is What You Make It

I've Moved!!!!

I Can Hear the Allelujah Chorus

A Likely Story

A Public Apology

Society Esteem

"I'll Be 23" or "No one likes you when you're 23"

Betwixt and Between

Its So Hard to Say Goodbye

The End of an Era

Ew.

Caught up in the whirlwind

A Walking Trashy Romance Novel

5:38am

It's almost 5am and I'm wide awake

Where in the World is MA?

Censorship

The Young Mother

I Promise I'm Alive

I Survived Valentine's Day (with a smile on my face)

The Tornado Inside of Me

Snow, Stomach Viruses and Seeking Future Employment

Oh Happy Day

I Will Survive

Baby Steps

Get Back Up When Life Knocks You Down

Mom Mom, May You Rest in Peace

A Black Speck on Perfection

It is a Brand New Year!

Have a Holly Jolly Christmas

Spirit of Christmas

Let's take a look back,shall we?

Mirror Mirror on the Wall....

I'm Thankful for Fiber, Alcohol and Family

............

I Am My Own Punching Bag

Partly Cloudy

5 lbs to Freedom

Life Updates are Always Good

50lbs

Becoming a Young Professional

Happy Birthday To Meeee

A Whirlwind of Happiness

I'm a Spectacle in All Forms

Let's Go

Breakaway

My Life Would Suck Without You

Realization Of

Let the rest of my life begin

Jersey Tomorrow

Epic Proportions

Wishing and Hoping and Waiting and Pacing

Fourth of July Weekend

A little taste of home

Transplant

Go Greyhound and Leave the Driving to Us...if Your Bus Exists

I don't think we're in Kansas anymore...

Full of Thoughts

I'm Beggin

insert sound of noisemaker here